Eating Disorders Recovery Blog

I am so honored to share the following Recovery Testimonial by Victorian Alumni, Christina Duncan Collins. Christina left the Victorian House about a month ago. Having worked with her during her recovery makes this story so valuable to me. To hear Christina talk about what her life used to be like and what it's like now can only be summed up as miraculous and magical.



instead of getting to my classes. The overwhelming degradation that never ceased to
exist, seemed to always land me in another secret, another lie, another trip to the liquor
store; the shame coincided with the deep depression Iʼd foregone addressing over the
years, and somewhere along the line Iʼd seemed to have accepted that there was no
longer a way out of the deep seeded hole of this eating disorder that I didnʼt even acknowledge
anymore; my pained existence had become a form of warped normalcy.

Before I came to treatment, I recall feeling helpless, pathetic, depressed, guilty, ashamed,
humiliated, desolate, vacant, numb, and I am most certain that the light in my eyes had
been gone for quite some time.

Iʼd reached the end of the line, my lowest of lows; it didnʼt seem that my life could have
gone to shit any more than if someone was trying to singlehandedly destroy it; I had already
done that with no one else to blame but myself. In variant forms of self sabotage,
Iʼd wreaked havoc so thoroughly into my life and my own sense of being, that Iʼd become
far too sick--body, mind, and spirit--to come out of this repulsively base, melancholy
tenebrosity; I was blind, sick, weak, and I knew I needed help. I never wanted to
die, though Iʼd come close several times, hospital wristbands kept as reminders; I luckily
always managed to hold on to that little bit of hope we all look to in times of need.

As my substance abuse issues had functioned primarily as tools for my eating disordered
way of life, I found the black and white nature of sobriety much easier to handle; it
was almost a relief to be sleeping restlessly or not at all for that first month, anything not
to feel continuously anymore like I was dying before nodding off. The eating disorder, on
the other hand, had become a masochistic means of coping that, despite all reason,
had given me a sense of safety, what I learnedly turned to at the young age of six, as
my eating went from odd to restrictive to fucking abnormal; by the age of seven, eating
was no longer a necessity, but rather an outlet for me to manifest my need of power,
control, beauty, love, and validation that was never received as a child.

I came to treatment, went straight to detox for the night, had purged all day even when
itʼd come down to stomach acids & bile, and decided my day 1 of recovery would begin
as soon as I arrived at The Victorian. I think I had initially expected to be staying in a
place where I wouldnʼt be able to act on any of my eating disorder behaviors, that staff
would magically know when I threw up or when I was lying; in other words, I thought Iʼd
been sent to a place where I wouldnʼt have to be working wholeheartedly for my recovery,
that the staff would be crutches to hold me up. I was acting out in my eating disorder
for the first month of treatment, with the mindset that I was helping myself the way I
“needed” and kept the majority of it a secret, only divulging brief nuances of strife; truth
be told, I was struggling so immensely, that I could share maybe a quarter of my contention
and sound like I was telling the full truth, little bits being so thoroughly entwined in
ugly details and misery.

After finally coming to the realization of choice, that Iʼd chosen to get the help I needed
and was still keeping secrets in the belief that I knew what was best--which had overtly
failed in past trials--that I was still very sick and if I didnʼt let it be known the garishness
of my disease, Iʼd leave 90 days later with the same issues to settle; I was choosing to
let my chance of recovery from my eating disorder dissipate and diminish day after day.
I made a vow to tell the whole truth, when I wanted to purge, when I was struggling to
eat, when I was obsessing about exercise and calories, when I wanted to sneak into the
kitchen to binge & purge, when Iʼd given in to the repulsive voices in my head & sneak
off to the bathroom to throw up. I remember new girls arriving at The Victorian a month
or more after me, picking up chips of abstinence, and feeling embarrassed for having
been in treatment for twice as long and not being able to say the same if not more about
my progress.

Just after Christmas and into the new year, I was struggling immensely; after gaining
just over 10 days of abstinence, the longest Iʼd had in nine years, I relapsed, and there
were days I claimed myself sick, sleeping through days and only seeing the light of day
to smoke a cigarette. The word “choice” stuck out to me yet again; essentially, my recovery
was dependent on the choices I decided for myself, and just because I was in
treatment didnʼt mean Iʼd come out cured, healthy, happy, or even abstinent; I knew I
didnʼt want my disease, and the program showed me that I no longer had to suffer, mulling
the bane of my diseaseʼs existence, so I made a second vow to get on my feet again
and continue the work despite all contrary thoughts in knowing my health had yet to be
regained.

 However, the next day was treatment team, and staff had assessed that I
needed to be moved to a higher level of care to get some time not purging, to be
watched around the clock. I understood each concern, but remained distraught in that
Iʼd finally been getting real and honest with myself; my determination to overcome the
past obstacles and following hurdles led me to take a stand for myself, and I signed yet
another behavioral contract to resume my treatment at The Victorian, not going down
without a fight of course. I stayed true to what Iʼd signed, knowing wholeheartedly from
the start that I would in fact prove everyone wrong; my head and my heart were finally
on the same page.

It took me a long while to realize that I was at The Victorian so they could teach me how
to walk again; essentially, it wasnʼt going to help me if everyone was just trying to hold
me up to keep me from falling down; I needed to be re-taught, re-trained, and that light
in me had to be rejuvenated. I learned that Iʼm not automatically a burden, I can ask for
help when I need it, that my voice is amazing, and paramountly that I am beautiful. The
tools I acquired in treatment allowed me to take back my life, and really begin living it
again. I still live by my Socratian oath to “always question authority,” but I know to no
longer bend it to extremes of overriding my own principles and values that Iʼd seemingly
discarded of long ago.

Exactly 153 days after my intake date at The Victorian of Newport Beach, I can definitely
say that light is back, and what a long strange trip itʼs been. Not to say every day isnʼt a
struggle, because it certainly is, but the difference is the rejuvenation Iʼve gained
throughout my entire treatment process--mind, body, and spirit--thatʼs given me the
freedom in my life that I felt so far from before. Itʼs been countless years since Iʼve been
able to feel, sit with my feelings, be present, equate my life to opportunities and happiness
rather than doom, and simply feel like myself again.

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

So when I am not writing this fabulous Eating Disorder Recovery blog and facilitating meeting at The Victorian I work at an Art School, teaching art to kids ages 3 to 18. Since a lot of the parents know that I work in the Eating Disorder field they like to double check with me that the way they are raising their daughter is kosher and she will end up "Eating Disorder Free".

As much as I would love to tell them the exact way to parent their child to avoid an Eating Disorder that is impossible. Eating Disorders have been proven to be a psychological disease and genetically predisposed from birth. However, the environment the child is raised in can have an affect on the severity of the Eating Disorder. Thus, the questions from my students parents flood in. One I got last week was very interesting to me. One mother asked me, "I tell my 2 year old she is 'so beautiful' probably 15 times a day. That's okay right?"

I think this is a great question and the answer is Yes and No. Yes, in that every child does build self esteem knowing that their parents think they are beautiful and attractive. Esspecially at the age of 2 a child considers a parents words to be gospel, telling a child they are beautiful is a positive thing because it builds their sense of self in a positive direction.

Where this can go wrong is if the parent doesn't give equal importance of being beautiful to being smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend or friendly. Children need to learn that besides their beauty they have worth in multiple other areas as a human being.

I would encourage parents that for every time you tell your child, "You are beautiful" you also look for opportunities to tell them, "You are so kind. I love being around you!"

Have a great week!
Love, Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Eating Disorder Treatment

At the Victorian House we use the 12 Steps used in Alcoholics Anonymous for Eating Disorder Recovery. The Victorian women attend Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous Meetings and Overeaters Anonymous Meetings, where the 12 Steps are practiced and taught. Everyone on staff at the Victorian understands and implements the 12 Steps with clients as well. But, do the 12 Steps really work for Eating Disorders?


To answer that question we have to be on the same level of understanding. As trained professionals who treat Eating Disorders we treat it as a disease, like diabetes or a heart condition. If someone is diagnosed with diabetes they will have to treat it for the rest of their life. We see Eating Disorders in the same way, our client has a disease that they will have for the rest of their life, it’s our job to teach them how to cope and care for themselves. Like someone with diabetes who takes insulin daily, people with Eating Disorders have to work on their recovery, daily. Because Eating Disorders are a disease of the mind, a 12 Step program works well because the program is structured under mental, physical and spiritual recovery. Participants are encouraged to be held accountable to a sponsor, share their struggles and triumphs in a group format, journal and reflect on their actions. A 12 Step program is a lifestyle of living opposite of addiction. The biggest difference is the amount of accountability the members hold each other to.

But, lets say (like many women who come into the Victorian house very sick and resistant say) that “12 Step just isn’t for me. I can do recovery on my own with a therapist.” Would that work just as well?

As much as I would love to say that, “There are different strokes for different folks” I have been around the 12 Step rooms for Eating Disorders for quite some time now and I have repeatedly found handfulls of women who come in every week sharing stories like this:
“I went into treatment. I had 3 years of recovery…I thought I didn’t need a 12 step group…..I didn’t throw up for 3 whole years….Then I started studying for my nursing exams and POW…My bulimia was back.”

Or:

“I had 5 years of recovery. I worked with a therapist and dietician monthly. I was so sure I would never binge again that I would have given you my right arm. I didn’t think I needed meetings…then BANG out of nowhere I became Anorexic all of the sudden…I thought after 5 years I was done with all of this nonsense!”

This repeating tape leads me to believe that there really is something that works in the 12 Step programs. The people who maintain their attendance in 12 Step meetings more often than not maintain their abstinence and grow stronger against their Eating Disorder.
The bottom line is recovery from an Eating Disorder is a lifelong process. You don’t put someone in rehab for 9 months and expect them to walk out a recovered person without a trace of Eating Disorder on them. I like to refer to an Eating Disorder as cancer…it is always in remission. You never know when it’s going to strike back again. I believe one is better off maintaining a lifestyle of recovery in a 12 Step program so they are stronger to battle ED when he comes knocking again.

Whether or not you choose to participate in a 12 Step group or work with a therapist and dietician for the rest of your life, recovery is inevitably a life long process. The Victorian believes that the road to recovery is a process full of milestones and failures, there is something to learn from every experience good and bad. If you’re struggling to find what works for you I encourage you to listen to the voice inside you and always BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
Love,
Irvina

Labels: Anorexia information, Bulimia treatment, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Rehab for Eating Disorders

This Sunday night we will be hosting
Mia Eadington, MA MFT
Topic: Eating Disorders and our Relationships with our Significant Others
The Victorian
505 29th Street
Newport Beach, CA 92661
7pm to 8pm

Please see Mia's site for more info on her practice:
http://www.lifeisagamelc.com/

People with Eating Disorders often have problems in relationships. Whether it be too little boundaries, too many or just the inability to connect. Mia will be discussing all topics in the spectrum. Come and join us for this open discussion. I never leave a Victorian Meeting not feeling fresh and rejuvenated.

Have a great weekend!

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Bulimia treatment, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Therapy

What really gets my blood boiling is how sneaky Eating Disorders are. I can best describe them as the "Perfect Murder" Take Brittany Murphy and Michael Jackson for instance...both talented individuals in their field of acting and music. The Eating Disorder makes its sneaky "entrance" or what we call in the field "is triggerered" with the demands to stay beatiful and attractive.

After the sneaky murderer is present it corners it's victim with threats of making them fat if they don't do exactly what it says and starve. In the field we call this the "presence" of the Eating Disorder voice.

In an effort to escape from the murderer, the Eating Disorder victim turns to drugs and alcohol to at least give themselves some short escape from the miserable existence they have found themselves in. This escape is what we call "cross addicition" the Eating Disorder victim shuts the ED voice off with other substances. In the process there is still no long term reprieve from the  Eating Disorder so they increase their use of alcohol and drugs.

After time the threshold for this pain becomes so shallow that the Eating Disorder victim takes as much drugs and alcohol that they possibly can that allows them to still survive. This is where the Eating Disorder takes the victim out and kills them. Using an overdose on drugs is the easiest way to kill it's victim because it leaves the Eating Disorder blamelsess. When  the coroner comes and analyzes the body they find the cause of death to be a "heart attack" or a "seizure" but, they never claim that the root was the murdering Eating Disorder because the Eating Disorder is too smart for that. All along it plotted to get its vicitm into this drug addiction, fully knowing that it could get off scotch free for the murder and go off and attack someone else in the same way. Eating Disorders are truly genius, murdering, psychopaths that are the best at what they do.

I came up with this "Perfect Murder" theory after I repeatedly saw celebrities die and hear so many news broadcasters tell the public, "Britney Murphy died of Cardiac Arrest" "Michael Jackson's heart stopped." "It was an overdose" or "It was just a freak accident." Having worked in the field it doesn't take a genius to know that these two individuals suffered from Eating Disorders. Just looking at their weight at the time of their deaths shows that their Body Mass Index was well below even a thin healthy weight. As well as the stories and speculation around each ones body image. Michael Jackson with the constant plasitc surgery and Britney Murphy with rapid weight loss show evidence that each one was unhappy with their appearance.

I write this article today just to simply get the truth out and stop all the "Hush, Hush." Eating Disorders thrive on secrets. The more we expose this merciless murderer the closer we are to catching him!

Love,

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia is deadly, Anorexic Britney Murphy, Anorexic Michael Jackson, Bulimia treatment, Celebrities with Eating Disorders, Compulsive Overeating Treatment, Eating Disorder Treatment

Happy Friday All! I just wanted to let everyone know that there is a fabulous and FREE Eating Disorder Resource Group in Newport Beach. It is for anyone that may suspect that someone they love may have an eating disorder. It is facilitated by therapist, specialist and dieticians once a month. I would reccomend it to anyone who wants to learn more about Eating Disorders, how to go about getting help or even just networking withing the field. Some very gifted individuals attend this group. If you would like to attend see the info below. Have a great weekend! - Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, compulsive overeating help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Therapy, Eating Disorder Treatment

The time has come again! Another amazing therapist in the Eating Disorder field will be faciliting a meeting at The Victorian House this Sunday!
Chandra Chalkin will be discussing the Psychology of Women and doing some Movement Therapy. To learn more about Chandra Chalkin and her services visit her website here. Otherwise I look forward to seeing your beautiful self:
Sunday, March 28th
7pm - 8pm
The Victorian 505 29th Street
Newport Beach, CA 92663

Ciao Bellas!
 Irvina

Labels: Anorexia information, Anorexia rehab, Bulimia treatment, Compulsive Overeating Treatment, Eating Disorder Meetings in Newport Beach, Eating Disorder Treatment