Eating Disorders Recovery Blog

Filippa Hamilton is the former Ralph Lauren model featured here who was fired from Ralph Lauren for "being unable to fulfill her contract." Hamilton says, she was told that at 5'10 and 120 pounds she was too big to fit their clothes so they "let her go." The following picture is a Ralph Lauren ad of Hamilton that ran. It is obviously incredibly photoshopped as seeen in the proportion of her hips to her head, yet the advertisement ran. You can read more about the story here.

While I was thinking of something to blog about today, I was thinking of what was currently going on around me; Halloween is coming up, I live near a high school and teens are walking to school and I guess I'm just pondering all the pressure there is out there to be a teenager today. Then I thought of this story we discussed a few weeks ago at The Victorian. My boss Michele Lob brought it up and the whole staff gathered around the computer and looked at the photoshopped image of Hamilton. Considering that we are a group of dieticians, therapist, counselors and women in recovery from our own eating disorders we were of course appaulled. But, I wonder about the teenage girl who sees this ad and hasn't walked in our shoes. Does she see this ad and think this is normal? Does she see this ad and think thats what she should look like? I mean Ralph Lauren has a line of clothng for every gender and age. From babies to grandmas you can see that little polo player on anyone. So if a teen or even an adult woman or man sees a Ralph Lauren ad of a woman as emaciated as this one looks does that become their standard of dressing, style and beauty?

It's hard to be a teenager right now. You can't even celebrate Halloween without being expected to dress provacatively with a garter belt, fish nets and 4 inch skirt. I'm not gonna lie, I've done it in the past. But, when I think about why I did it I can honestly say because "everyone else was doing it." If everyone brings a sandwich for lunch in their brown paper bag I'm not gonna want my mom to pack me lasagna and if everyone is dressing like a revealing nurse for Halloween I'll want to dress that way too and I'll probably also want to look like the Ralph Lauren ad because, well isn't it normal too?

I have enough recovery from an Eating Disorder and knowledge about myself to know that what other people consider "normal" doesn't exactly make me happy or even a very nice person. If I was trying to become that Ralph Lauren model today I would probably do a liquid diet of coffee and soups and skip meals which equals "not happy." Then when I ran into my friends who were having lunch together and just enjoying the California sunshine I would probably be jealous that they got to eat food and I couldn't and I'd probably act passive aggressive with them and bitchy which equals "not nice." My point is I've had enough trial and error in my life to know that the "worlds normal" my "families normal" and "my normal" are all very different things.

Today I don't live by a magazines expectation of "looking good in jeans" or my anorexic friends idea of "a meal" today I live by whats going to make me a happy, healthy woman who can help other people recover from their eating disorders. Whatever that looks like is what I consider "normal." I challenge you to consider what the norms are in your life. Are you being true to yourself? Or are you living by someone elses expectations. It's an interesting thought.

xoxo,

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorder, Ralph Lauren model fired

When I came into recovery for my eating disorder I heard just about everyone from therapist, sponsors to other women in recovery tell me, "Don't date until you have a solid year of recovery." They explained that the recovery process is pretty dramatic in and of itself and adding a guy to the mix only adds to the already messy knot of emotions, food, uncomfortable situations and insecurities. But like any arrogant addict I blew off the words of the wise and went off dating as I pleased. My argument was that my case was definitely the exception to the rule. I had established boundaries with friends and family and I knew what I wanted from a relationship.

Like many others who date during their first year of recovery, my experience was not a good one. I discovered that even though I had good boundaries with the people I was close to, those boundaries became muddled when I was trying hard to get the approval of someone new. I also found that dating brought out my ED voice and made me hypersensitive and insecure on dates, which resulted in messy food at home. I kept doing and saying things that I wasn’t proud of and that my true self didn’t agree with. After talking out these relationships with sponsors and therapist, I agreed…I’m just not ready for relationships right now.

If I could give you a metaphor I would say dating in recovery is kind of like baking cupcakes. We all love cupcakes. They are cute, fun to look at and delicious to eat. But, if you take them out of the oven before their down cooking (and cooling) you know what will happen…a big goopy, disgusting mess that tastes like raw eggs and makes a mess all over your cute dress. Yup, that’s what dating in recovery is like. You put all this time, effort and energy into your recovery. You eat your 3 meals and 3 snacks, you go to meetings, you go to therapy, you do yoga and then you take a huge jump and go date the dude down the street and you’ve got a whole mess of tears, emotions, weird food and drama. Not so much fun (or cute.)

Whether or not we’ve had 5 minutes of recovery or 5 years of recovery we all have that voice inside us that tells us right from wrong. It’s our true self trying to get out. It’s our job to relentlessly pursue that voice until in manifests into our entire being. That’s what recovery is all about becoming who we truly want to be. Then eventually sharing that person with someone extra special and deserving of us.

Love you beautiful ladies,

Irvina

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Therapist Newport Beach, Eating Disorder Treatment

One of the things I despised hearing the most in recovery is that "Fat is not a feeling." I would argue with the therapist on the purple couch that "I really do feel fat! My waist, arms and even fingers feel fat don't tell me that what I'm feeling is not real!" But, alas after many relapses, diets, detoxes, support groups, journaling and visits to the infamous purple couch I have waived the white flag of surrender and do cross my heart and I definitely agree, "Fat is not a feeling."

What I know now that I didn't know then is that when I said "I feel fat" it was really my way of covering up a deeper feeling, a scary uncomfortable feeling that I just didn't like...well...."feeling." For instance I remember being very deep in my anorexia and going to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting at a table across from a guy who was trying to get to know me. I couldn't hear a word he was saying because I was so consumed with how uncomfortable I suddenly felt in my jeans. I felt like I had rolls hanging out. I felt that he was looking at how fat I was. I kept looking at all the other girls in the room and watching what they ate and how much. At the time I would have definitely have said, "I feel fat right now" What I couldn't say at the time was the truth that "I feel inadequate. Scared that I am not chill enough. Fearful that I am not pretty enough. I don’t feel funny enough or smart enough." But, those things are too hard to admit. Those things are too scary and are the things at the core of who I am as a person and that is scary stuff to touch. So instead I take a route that I think I can control...my weight and appearance. Because I may not be able to argue with you on how intelligent and funny you think I am, but you can't deny that I am a wearing double zero jeans.

After a couple years of recovery I still have moments when "I feel fat" but the beauty of that now is when I hear myself saying I'm fat I see that now as a signal to go deeper and see what’s really bothering me. Do I really feel uncomfortable in these shorts or do I really feel a lot of pressure to be perfect at work? Do I really need to lose 5 pounds or am I still upset about that look my sister gave me at Thanksgiving two days ago?

A widely held misconception of Eating Disorders is that they are rooted in vanity and self promotion. The truth is that they are the exact opposite, they are rooted in fear and inadequacy. An Eating Disorder is nothing but a symptom of the loss of self preservation, basically they are form of slow suicide.

I challenge everyone this week to really think about the events leading up to the moment you utter the words, "I feel fat." If you're anything like me you might hear that voice quite a bit, the trick is to start noticing it and shutting it down before it’s too late. In other words, there are a lot of women in rehab who "feel fat".

Thanks for letting me chit chat with you today! We're getting some other Victorian Staff on here to blog this week! Stay tuned for some amazing blogs!

Keep in Recovery!

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Diets, Feeling Fat, Rehab, The Victorian Newport Beach, Treatment

If you've never had an Eating Disorder then you don't know what it's like to try to stop having an Eating Disorder. And if you have never tried to stop having an Eating Disorder than it's pretty difficult to understand why those skinny anorexic girls won't "Just eat" or those bulimic chicks won't just "stop throwing up" or why that compulsive overeating gal can't "eat just one and stop." Let me put it this way, it is just as easy for them to stop as it is easy for you to breathe underwater.

And that is exactly what its like for us, breathing under water. It is physically impossible, no? You bet it is. The second you try to breathe your lungs are filled with water and you suffocate to death. The same happens to an anorexic when she tries to eat food. Her body starts to react as if she was drowning. Her adrenaline starts to rise. She goes into sensory overload and fills up with fear, she feels nauseous, anxious, angry, her pulse starts to race. She'll do anything in order to not allow that food into her body because if she does she believes she just might die. The same way you believe breathing under water just might kill you.

I bring this up today because it seems that relapses are the topic of discussion lately. Relapses are pretty common with eating disorders. Yet, are still looked upon with dissapointment and shame. I find that odd considering how that it is rare for any ED client to have a clean path from an eating disorder to a treatment facility and then to recovery. The majority of clients need to first learn how to even sit in the uncomfortable waters of recovery before they can even tread the water of it. But, for some reason everyone thinks that they should be able to go into treatment and miraculously be healed? Did you ride a two-wheel bike perfectly the first time you picked it up? Did you walk the tight rope without falling the first time you placed your foot on the rope? Did you surf a 20 foot wave the first time you picked up a board? Exactly. So why on earth would you expect to be able to eat like a normal person the first time you tried?

Eating Disorders are not like alcohol or drugs where you, "Just don't drink" and "Don't use." You have to see food EVERYDAY for the rest of your life. So mathematically there are millions of more opportunities to mess up. It is my personal opinion that relapses are common in the first year of recovery. Adopting a new way of life, a new way of thinking a new way of reacting is not easy, it is not fun, but one thing it is a ton of WORK!

Whether or not you're in your first year or first 4 years of recovery and are still having trouble relapsing I would say, "Recovery is a process." Try, try, try, pray, pray, pray, be honest, honest, honest and keep giving it up and it will eventually happen for you. It took me a full year of relapsing before I got a solid year of recovery. I learned just as much from my relapses as I did in my abstinence. The trick is to stay in meetings, stay connected to your treatment facility, keep calling your sponsor and never stop working the 12 steps. Abstinence does happen and it will happen for you too! I promise.

Keep swimming!

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Rehab, Relapse

At The Vic every woman gets a packet of assignments she is supposed to complete before exiting treatment. One of the assignments is a Goodbye Letter to ED. (If you haven't caught on yet "ED" is a nick name for an Eating Disorder. It's easier to identify ED as a person because of the loud voice it has in our head.) Anyways, this is one of my FAVORITE letters to ED that I have ever read. One of our clients wrote it and with her permission she has okayed me to publish it here (she actually wanted me to put her name with it! Hows that for PROUD recovery?) Here it is...

Dear Liar,
I must write you this letter so that you completely understand what I intend to do about our relationship.You have been an important part of my life from the very start, and you were the best tool i had to keep me from understanding the pain i felt deep inside. You've been with me through thick and thin, deep and shallow water. You helped me get where I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful. Without you none of this may have happened. Who knows what could have happened? Only God knows, and thats precisely why she gave you to me, to be where I am now, getting rid of you. To me you were a message, a challenge, and a life lesson. This is why I must be sincere, clear, and completely thorough. You have been a curse, and somewhat of a blessing. What you did to me was so physically and emotionally damaging. I felt like you wanted me to die a slow and painful death, I felt like you wanted to make me the scum of the earth, a miserable woman without a heart or a soul. Thank you for showing me this. You've shown me how deep and broken your sadistic world is, you whispered lie after lie until suddenly my entire world was fabricated. You raped me and abused me, made me dance on the strings tied to your finger tips. You were always so angry. That rage in you created a rage in me. A fury that I will never ever forget. You were all I ever knew for so long, but i've asked god to help me deal with you now. She gave you to me so that I could see the infinite and amazing power I hold. Know that I know God, she is helping me remove you from my thoughts, my actions, and my life.

I cannot trust you anymore, only god. I've decided there is a new way for me to live happy, joyous, and free, and that is surrendering my will to God, your will, and everything else that is beyond my control. Liar, you are no longer invited into my thoughts, or welcome into my life. You do not control me anymore. I refuse to believe any of your grandeous ideas, they are all lies. You cannot hurt me anymore. I've found someone else. Someone much bigger, and much more powerful than you. Someone who fills me up with love instead of hate. I'm sorry liar, but there just isnt room for you anymore, we're through. thank you for showing me pain, because without that i wouldnt know how to love.

Love,

An Awesome, Amazing Victorian Client

Aint she a rockstar?

Strength in Recovery,

Love, Irvina

Labels: Alumni, Anorexia, Binging, Body Dysmorphia, Bulimia, California Rehab, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorders, Newport Beach Eating Disorder, Purging, Treatment, Womens rehab

My name is Irvina and I am an Anorexic, Bulimic, Compulsive Overeater and support staff at The Victorian House in Newport Beach, California. The Victorian House is a rehab for women with Eating Disorders and Chemical addictions.

If I could describe the "The Vic" in one word it would be "Integrity."

If you were to visit the house you wouldn't find locks on the refrigerator doors or a security guard at the front gate preventing people from leaving, like you see in other rehabs. You would find a house filled with people willing to support women in their recovery. No one MUST finish their meal, MUST attend a meeting or MUST work the 12 steps. We let our clients make choices, they reap the rewards and or consequences. We are open, direct and loving when we see behaviors that do not match up with integrity, but we always stand firm that we are a source of support, but the healing can only be done by the client. Healing from an eating disorder is an inside job. No rehab, therapist, anti-depressant or money can buy you healing, but a person WILLING to heal can find recovery and many, many have.

The Victorian houses six women at a time and walks with them on their journey of recovery. Some stay for as short as 30 days and others stay as long as 9 months. As well, we have a step down facility called "The Lido Track" that allows women to do life but still utilize the support needed.

This blog will be a source of recovery for Victorian Alumni, potential Victorian clients and any other women in recovery or seeking recovery from her eating disorder. We will discuss all topics eating disorder related, from body dysmorphia to cross addictions and self-care. We hope this blog will be a source of healing and understanding about yourself and your disease. I am looking forward to blogging here! I love to write so you'll be hearing a mouthful from me. There will also be other doctors, therapists, dieticians, staff and alumni writing on this blog. It will be a ecclectic group all focused on recovery. Check back soon for a new post.

Happy Recovery,
Irvina

Labels: Alumni, Anorexia, Body Dysmorphia, Bulimia