Image by: Sam Niguel

The beginning of the year is a popular time for Eating Disorder Rehabs to get an overwhelming amount of new clients. Whether it’s the client or the family that has decided this year is going to be different, the goal is the same: RECOVERY. A new year is a shiny new toy that makes us all excited. It’s like a newborn baby, it gives us hope for the future and the possibility of change.

 I looked up the Top 10 most common New Years Resolutions. They are:

1.)    Spend more time with family and friends

2.)    Fit in fitness

3.)    Lose weight

4.)    Quite smoking

5.)    Enjoy life more

6.)    Quit drinking

7.)    Get out of debt

8.)    Learn something new

9.)    Help others

10.) Get organized

But for someone with an Eating Disorder goals and lists are part of the everyday regime. Those of us with Eating Disorders tend to be incredibly driven, intelligent and accomplished individuals. If we make a list of something to do, we’ll probably do it faster and more successfully than most. So what’s the New Years Resolution for those of us in Eating Disorder Recovery? It’s: GIVE UP.

The hardest thing for someone with an Eating Disorder is giving up; which might be why Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other psychological disorder. Giving up an Eating Disorder takes more bravery, humility and courage than anyone can imagine. The tricky thing about an Eating Disorder is the vice of fear that it keeps ones brain while it operates. Taking that vice off takes a ton of strength. Believing you’ll be okay without it takes an avalanche of blind faith.

As a woman in recovery myself I won’t lie, giving up is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I spent so many years convincing myself that being thin was the answer to all of life’s problems. Admitting to myself that I was wrong and just the thought of attempting another route erupted tears and fear that raced through my blood. But, here’s the thing, giving up not only saved my life, it GAVE me a life. I had no idea how amazing life could actually be until I gave up my Eating Disorder. My prayer for you is that you would GIVE UP this New Year. I promise that if you make that your only goal for the year, 365 days from now you’ll be smiling like me and not dying.

Kellya - etsy.com

I got a call from a sponsee last night that was heaving in and out of tears and a cracked voice. Like all of my sponsees, she reminded me so much of myself. The disease of an Eating Disorder may manifest into different behaviors of anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating, but the fear it spreads like cancer is the same malignant crap every time.  The amazing thing about working with sponsees is that they not only allow us to return the gift of recovery, but they also remind us how far in remission we are from the cancer of an Eating Disorder. This particular sponsee of mine has done the basic work of surrendering her food. She doesn’t abuse herself with food any longer. However, since she isn’t numbing herself with food the uncomfortable feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, imperfection, doubt, fear and anger are all raging through her body. She called me asking me what to do about them. I took a deep breath remembering when I asked my own sponsor what to do with my feelings, remembering how much I hated the following answer, “Sit down and feel your feelings.” My sponsee cried more heavily when I gave her this painful prescription.

To someone without an Eating Disordered mind it may sound incredibly juvenile to cry about being forced to “feel your feelings.” I agree, it is. Part of the psychological phenomena of Eating Disorders is its ability to convince intelligent girls and women that they are inadequate of handling their own emotions and relationships. It is paralyzing. The harmful effect is that the unresolved issues behind the emotions of imperfection, fear and anger never get resolved. They fester, they mold, they corrupt our mind, they ruin our relationships and eventually kill us. What I try to tell my sponsees is that “feeling your feelings” is like purging in a healthy way. There have been studies done on bulimia that have stated that the behavior of purging food actually gives some relief. It is a way of subconsciously purging the pain from ones body, except the relief doesn’t last through food. The underlying emotions are still there, until the feelings are processed. Whatever emotions one feels whether they be anger at parents, rejection from a relationship or loss of a friend, those feeling needs to be removed from the body.

I think the scariest thing about feeling emotions is the knowledge that comes with them. I think so many of us with Eating Disorders don’t want to feel our emotions because it means that we might have to admit that we feel our parents have let us down. We may have to admit that we have been selfish. We may have to admit that this may not be the guy we’re supposed to be with. We may have to admit that our lifetime friendship needs to end. We may have to admit that alcohol is a problem and stop drinking. We may have to make an apology to our sister. We may have to drop out of school to get recovery from our Eating Disorder. We may have to do things that are right to do, but sometimes doing the right thing is incredibly painful and difficult.

Having experienced many emotions in recovery I have learned to welcome them. They do bring tears and a lot of pain, but they also bring with them something else, something beautiful; CHANGE. Something I have come to believe and appreciate about my emotions is that they are signals to me that I need to change something in my life. In my Eating Disorder I was completely lost. I had friends, relationships and interests that I didn’t even like. I didn’t realize that things needed to change until I started feeling the emotions that I tried to suffocate. What I do now is let my feelings guide me to think rationally about the choices I am making. It is through the great pain of emotions that I have had the opportunity to sculpt a life that is fun, exciting, joyful, faithful, and Eating Disorder free. It is my goal to help my sponsee see that her emotions can guide her to the same.

 I’m blessed to know women who have gone before me and walked through this process. I met them and my sponsees at Overeaters Anonymous and Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. We take The Victorian clients to these meetings where they too can get Sponsors who have experienced the same disease and relate.

Christmas is only 12 days away. That means the parental units, spouses and children will be flying into John Wayne Airport shortly to see our beloved Victorian clients. Undoubtedly we will not make it to December 25^th without at least 2 women walking into the office in hysterical tears over a family member who said some form of the following:

“You’re looking healthy!”
”You’ve gained weight!”

“Your boobs look bigger!” 

“Wow! You must be eating all your meals! You look good!”

or for others it’s:

“Wow! You’ve lost what 15 pounds?”

“Honey I can see your cheek bones now! How wonderful!”

“Oh my gosh what are you a size….”

Now obviously as staff we are happy to see families taking notice of clients physical recovery from their Eating Disorder.  One would assume that a client who has participated in 1 to 6 months of in-patient care would like to hear that others are taking notice of their progress. However what families notice as progress is noted to Eating Disorder clients as failure. For one, Eating Disorder clients are attached to their size. Whether small or large they have sculpted their identity in their size and feel threatened when someone notices it has changed. They feel a loss of control, insecurity and fear from the change. They worry what expectations you may have from them due to the change.

However, it’s my belief that the underlying issue for the clients is that your comments on their body triggers the ED Voice that tells them “All you have to offer to people is your body.” As counselors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, support staff and therapist we make a point to never, ever comment on a client’s body. We believe that each and every woman who comes through The Victorian is not simply a woman with an Eating Disorder and a traumatic past. She is a unique soul on a journey trying to discover who she is. When we see her uniqueness shine through in either creativity, personal relationships or strength we try to celebrate that. We make a point to notice the uniqueness of every woman, not her size.

I encourage all of you visiting family members to take note of your loved ones uniqueness during your visit. Compliment her kindness, her wit, her intelligence and her strength. Think before you comment on her physical or emotional appearance (and simply DON’T comment on the physical.) Eating Disorder clients are notorious for being incredibly sensitive. I thank you for being patient and thoughtful with your words, if used wisely they truly can be healing and serve a much greater good.

You can tell the Holidays are approaching The Victorian in Newport Beach when the blazing coastal sun is cooled by the fall chill and the clients ditch their flip flops for Uggs. Ah, the Holidays! A very merry and scary time of the year considering the Holidays are focused around two very triggering things: Family and Food. But in eating disorder recovery we offer hope. The hope being that there are things we can do to keep our abstinence and sanity this Holiday Season 2010. The hope is BOUNDARIES. Yes, big emotional and physical boundaries. Check out some of these boundaries before you take a slice of pumpkin pie….

1. Supportive Pie – Think about being at the dessert table with the option of picking one of the assortments of pies. There’s apple pie, cherry pie, pumpkin pie and then there is some moldy pie with ants crawling all over it. Which pie are you going to go for? Please tell me you will NOT for for the moldy pie obviously because it will make you sick…..Think of this pie choosing analogy when you select who you are going to spend time with over the holidays. Are the people you’re spending time with going to pull you back into your disease and make you sick? Are your parents judgmental and critical? Is the emotional baggage that comes with being with these people going to cause you to relapse? If so, then don’t chose that pie. You deserve the best and you deserve to make wise and healthy decisions for yourself.
2. Under the Mistle Toe- When we think of the holidays we think of places of celebration, parties and people kissing under the mistle toe. Sadly, however a lot of the places we used to go for holidays don’t bring us great mistel toe memories…..Hanging out in a bar, with others in their addictions and at parties where alcohol will be served can be triggering. Put up your boundaries and protect yourself. Avoid environments that might tempt you to return to your past bad habits. If you have stopped drinking, don't go to holiday parties at bars or even homes where alcohol will be a major focus. Politely decline. Your health and lifestyle are more important than social obligations.
3. Strolling through the leaves  – Fall and Winter are great times for soothing walks because the air feels so crisp and enchanting…. When times get stressful with the family and friends take yourself on a de-stressful walk. Take a deep breath and just get out of the house. Call your sponsor or a friend and ask them to blow off steam with you as you walk.
4. Christmas Carole – There is something fond about the tradition of reading the Christmas Carole year after year. It’s our own tradition that reminds us of gathering with people we love. This year start your own tradition. Start knitting, having bon fires with friends, writing or taking an art class. Own the Holidays for the good and the bad and stick it out with your creativity. You can create your own Holiday you just have to do it! 

But, you think that everything going on in So Cal this weekend is all the ol’ fun debauchery you used to have and you’re bummed you’ll be missing out– Bad thing

Here’s the Real thing….there is actually a ton of fun things you can do this weekend that don’t require you to get blazed and go bar hopping in bunny ears and lingerie. Check it:

Friday, October 29th

Day of the Dead – Art Exhibit, Mexican Food and Lecture

 The Long Beach Playhouse

5021 E. Anaheim St. Long Beach CA

www.lbplayhouse.org

$20 Adults $18 Students

For all you Day of the Dead and Art aficionados! Gregario Luke, the former director of the Museum of Latin American Art tours all around to Harvard, Yale and now So Cal and will be giving a lecture on the history of The Day of the Dead and it’s traditions. Along with the lecture, the Playhouse will present a collection of altars designed by local artists. Show up early for excellent food by Lola’s, the much-loved Mexican restaurant on Long Beach’s 4th Street!

Saturday, October 30^th

Art Show + Costume Party

Tim Rusmiel Gallery

31766 Los Rios Street, San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675

www.timrusmiselgallery.com

Cost: $10

The gallery will be showing work from over a dozen Vegan artists in a silent auction fundraiser for the Animal Acres sanctuary. (www.animalacres.org) There will also be a costume party and vegan treats in the gallery's courtyard

Sunday, October 31^st

The Museum of Latin American Art

Dia De Los Muertos Celebration

7^th Street, Long Beach CA

www.molaa.org

Cost: Free

For you party animal Artists out there! Face paint is our friend! The Museum of Latin American Art is the bomb! Come check out altars on view, vendors, face painting and art workshops where guests will make calaca masks, paper flowers and sugar skulls. Performance by the Jesus Mejia  Dance Company

Monday, November 1^st

The Gypsy Den

Open Mike Night

Santa Ana Artist Village, Santa Ana

www.gypsyden.com

Cost: Free

Come and hear local artists bust out their tunes and sonnets! Hey, why don’t you bust out some of your own tunes yourself? You know you got it!

Tuesday, November 2^nd

Strike at the Tustin Legacy

Monday Night Strike

The District, Tustin

www.thedistrict.com

Cost: $17

You like tunes? You like bowling? You like people? Then cruise over to the Tustin Legacy with your peeps and rock out while you bowl to some awesome tunes!

Wednesday, November 3^rd

The Echo

Marnie Stern

1822 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles

www.attheecho.com

Cost: $12

A night out in LA! Heck yes! The New York City singer-guitarist Marnie Stern is a one-woman force of nature. She would be impressive just for her dazzling guitar technique, in which she casts out blurry flurries of intricate solos that are often layered with loops of heavy sound effects. But she's more than just a flashy guitar hero, writing interesting, multidimensional art-prog-punk songs that are distinguished by dense arrangements and crazed vocals.

I hope to see you guys around the OC and LA this weekend! Remember that abstinence and sobriety can be fun, you just have to be creative with it. Yeah CREATIVITY! Boo Eating Disorders!

Spook ya later! 

Irvina

Conquering an Eating Disorder is one of the most difficult challenges a human being can be dealt. Once the physical, emotional and spiritual elements are balanced in ones life everything else becomes easy...... SOOOOOOOO WRONG! Yeah, okay so once you stop the binging, purging, stealing food from grocery stores and the obsessive thoughts of wanting to kill yourself fade away it really seems almost like you’re on cloud 9.... that simply just being freed of the Eating Disorder disease itself is a priceless gift in and of itself. The only catch is that being someone with an Eating Disorder classifies you as an “Addict” and addicts are people with addictive personalities that need to watch their behavior in all elements of their lives. Facebook being one of them.

Surprise element aka “Log-In”

 The addictive element of checking facebook is its “surprise” element. Much like the addictive element of gambling. Do me a favor and imagine yourself playing the slots in Vegas, sometimes you don’t get all the little watermelons in a row and sometimes “Yeah baby!”  You sure do! Cha-Ching! Cha-Ching!  It’s the times you hit the lucky strike of fruit slots that makes you excited to keep playing, because “just maybe this next time I’ll get more!” The “pleasure” hemisphere of the brain aka hypothalamus is triggered and dopamine is released aka the player becomes addicted to the feeling the dopamine chemical puts off. Now instead of imagining yourself sitting at the slots in Vegas, imagine yourself sitting at the computer in your room. Waiting to log-on to facebook…you see the little red icons in the far left corner. The number of friend requests/ messages/ comments are simply the facebook way of gambling they are your “Cha-Ching” in cyber form if you will. It’s all same feeling, same endorphins, different addiction.

Connection aka “The number of friends number” 

If I remember back to my Eating Disorder …oh such a long 2 and half years ago…. I had no friends…well I had “friends” that liked to go to the gym, starve, binge, starve and steal each others boyfriends, but I wouldn’t really consider them “friends” they were the illusion of friends while I pursued what I thought I wanted: World domination of Thinness/Hotness/Crazy Chick ness! …Yes, I was scary…. And equally as scary is how similar this is to my connections on facebook. So lets say I put a comment out there, in my case it’s usually something that I consider witty and funny. Then someone else comments on it or “likes” it. This gives me the illusion that I have “connections” I have “friends” it makes me feel as if the person who commented cares about me and wants to interact with me. Maybe they do, but maybe they also have 500+ other people that they are commenting on who are also saying witty things as well. The fact of the matter is what I consider “bonding” and a “connection” really isn’t there; it’s false (especially since all of my connections with my friends on facebook are in a very bright, “witty” light) The problem with that is what happens when I really do have an issue that I need to talk to someone about? Who will my friends be? I have a feeling that like in my Eating Disorder I won’t have “real” friends just fake ones that expect me to be witty and funny.

Cry for help aka “The Like Me Button”

So what do you think happens when you are addicted to setting off the dopamine in your brain, have a disillusionment about who are your “friends” are and find yourself depressed and lonely one day from a bad breakup….you’re probably going to post some sad love song lyrics on facebook (Yes, I’m guilty as charged.) But, then after that doesn’t get the “Like” button what else will you do? You might just go around posting mellow dramatic yet serious posts like, “I hate my disgusting body.” “Men are dogs.”  “ I want to die.”

Can anyone find the “Issue” in one of those three posts?

Hmmmm…..the first one for me is that it’s a friggin’ post! When you’re upset you call a friend, you go on a walk, you meet up for coffee. You don’t post it in an open forum and expect help! But, that’s what we have learned about addictions right? They possess us and they make us do things that make no sense at all. Addictions are all rooted in the same button; “Like Me.” Please “like me.”

Conclusion aka “Log-off”

No, I’m not gonna suggest you boy-cot facebook and delete your account. I am gonna ask you to watch yourself. You have an addictive personality. You have a brain that wants you to find anything in the world to distract you and give you the illusion that people like you. Be aware of that, check in with yourself and ask yourself, “Why does this feel familiar” and when you see something that is familiar to our good for nothin’ Ex-Boyfriend ED than Log-off in that suckers face!

Loggin’ off, but I still love you!

Irvina

“Why bloody me?”

“Why bloody me?”

To maintain Eating Disorder recovery is like training for the Boston marathon…except you’re expected to run the bloody thing everyday. The lifestyle of recovery (training) is spiritual, mental and physical and quite intense…here’s a little re-lay for ya…

6:00 am Prayer – (Good morning God! Thank you for the recovery I have from this mind numbing, soul killing Eating Disorder! Have a nice day!)

6:30 am Freehand Journal for 3 pages (helps get all the neurotic thinking out on the table)

7:00 am Moderate exercise (Yeah for endorphins! We need ‘em!”)

7:30 am Abstinent breakfast + Vitamins + Anti-depressants/Meds

8:30 am Work (Cause we are participating members of society!)

12:00 pm Abstinent lunch

12:30pm Check in with sponsor

2:30 pm Alert! Alert! Crazy ED girl at work triggers us by excessively talking about dieting, how fat she is and her need for plastic surgery on her hook nose

3:00 pm Make an outreach call to a girl in recovery for mental clarity and how to block out the sad ED girl voice at work.

3:15 pm Go to car to find ear phones for iPod

4:00pm Abstinent snack (I love apples and peanut butter!)

5:00 pm Free from work!

6:00 pm Abstinent dinner with amazing friends

7:00 pm Recovery meeting (Yeah, for girls who get me!)

8:00 pm Reading and some good tunes

9:00 pm Journal.

10:00 pm Bed.

After a day like this, one can turn off the light at the nightstand and take one of two routes on the way to dreamland…….

Route G4 – As in “Grateful 4”

 This route takes you to: A Hawaiian luau where you are singing and swaying to the ukelele thanking God/Higher Power for relief from the participation in the deadly Eating Disorder disease today. Gratitude that at least there was no binging, purging, lying, stealing, hurting, screaming and chaos making that hurt you and other people. Route G4 is a great route…it’s quite a “noble “ route…the more “evolved” route if you will… but most of the time I don’t take this route… Nah…I choose to instead hang out with the bottom dwellers on ….

Route “Y” – as in Route “Why me?”

 As in “What gives?” or “Why the hell did God give me such a pain in the ass disease that makes a slight conversation in a cubicle send me into a neurotic mess that only 4 phone calls and the voice of reason can fix? Why on earth do I have to journal, attend meetings, take little pink pills, see therapist and go to bed on time all to just balance the damn chromosomes in my brain and keep food in my body? Why on earth am I on this hell hole of a journey and when the hell can I leave?”

Deep isn’t it? Profound. (Great script writing too if I do say so myself) Yes, this is the route I take. It is self-deprecating, narcissistic, neurotic and nauseating (even to myself.) So the question remains… “Why me?” The common answer to this question is the bland robotic answer of: “I don’t know.” Or “That’s life… buck up!” But, I don’t care for answers that consist of only 4 syllables. (I know… I’m so difficult!) So I have come up with my own answer for Route Y…

I choose to believe that the life I live isn’t simply a physical one. It is spiritual one. That actually as C.S. Lewis says, “You don’t have a soul. You are soul. You have a body.” If I lived as if this statement were true I would believe that when I experience physical pain and humiliation it’s not that bad because it is taking me to the next level of the spiritual evolution of my soul.

Maybe all of my physical feelings of peace, harmony, exhaustion and pain are secondary to my spiritual well being. My spiritual well-being brings psychic revelations that trump every painful and joyful physical feeling I have. Realizations I have are that even the painful experiences serve a purpose. (I know it’s a far out concept. But, here me out) Maybe, there is joy in pain and struggle is that I get to realize that I survived it. That I walked through fire and that now I am actually stronger, bolder and taller. It builds my character, it makes me a strong woman, a survivor and someone who is deep and sensitive and able to relate to others. Struggle teaches me how to problem solve, how to accept life for exactly the way it is. Struggle teaches me how to be creative with what I have. Struggle teaches me how to budget my money and my emotions. Struggle has taught me that even when I’m at my lowest in the trenches of a mental disorder that even when the world isn’t loving me I still have the ability to love it. That I can still muster a smile, a hello, a hug and a very small, I love you too.

“Why me?” is a great question with a great answer.” My answer is:  Because you deserve better. You can do better. Because you can go to far greater more colorful places once you’ve been through this. When I was a little girl I got Nintendo Mario Brothers for Christmas. I was mediocre at it. But never got passed level 7. A friend of mine came over one day after school. She dominated Mario Brothers. She knew all the secret passageways, all the trick moves to kill the bad guys and within 20 minutes she was in the palace fighting the evil Bowser and trying to rescue the Princess. When she got to the end she handed over the controller to me so I could have a shot at winning the game and saving the Princess. Within 3 moves I was out. She tried again, she let me give it a shot at an easier level, but still it was too advanced for me to win the game.

The fact of the matter is we can’t rescue Princesses, travel to distant places or even come to know who we truly are behind the palace doors until we take our own journey in stride and battle it out, play by play, then we can move on arrive at the palace. But, then you arrive at the palace and you save the Princess and what do you know… the game is over. Life hurts sometimes. There is good, there is bad, there is joy and there is pain, but this is life it’s about living, experiencing, surviving for the end all goal of saving the Princess which ends up being yourself......

 “Change your thoughts and you will change your life.” That sounds like a very generous offer doesn’t it? I think so. Almost as generous as the size of a pyramid, which is never too far from a “Pyramid scheme” is it? I mean come on, so if I have cancer I can just think, “Healthy! Healthy! Healthy!” and my human tissue will instantly change? Probably not. Like you, I’m a skeptic and I’ve lived long enough on planet earth to know that when something is too good to be true, it’s usually because it most certainly is. But, after some trial and error I have found a morsel of truth in the power our thoughts have over our lives….

Our thoughts are the background music to a party. Everyone knows that a bad DJ will kill a great party. Likewise, bad thoughts can literally kill a good life. In between breakfast, school, work, movies and parties we listen to the background music. If this background music is positive, say U2, Sheryl Crow and The Jackson 5 most likely our interactions over breakfast, at school and at work will be positive. But, if they are negative, like Fiona Apple, Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails most likely we will have negative interactions. The same way music gives us a feeling in our bones we can’t describe; the thoughts in our head either put us at ease or make us a little jumpy.

This theory makes me both disappointed and hopeful. Disappointed in that it scares me to think of how many years I let ED be the “DJ of my mind”. I let him tell me how lousy he thought my body was, how stupid he thought I was, how insignificant I was, how much better the world would be if I was just gone…. I almost died from the Spin Master Lady Killer ED… that was until I got spun in to a much better, upbeat, upscale, classy, fun party called, “Recovery.”

In Eating Disorder recovery I have learned that I have many, many, many choices. That I don’t have to let Spin Master Lady Killer ED be the DJ of my thoughts. That actually I am the Rock Talkin’ Recovery Jockey of my thoughts. That I get to be still and ask God, “What songs/thoughts are the best to run through my head?” With God’s help I have the raddest play list that ever hit the Eating Disorder scene. It’s kind of like when you’ve experienced really bad music for a long annoying road trip and finally someone plays some tunes that put you into post-massage relaxation status… you just know you’ve found the real McCoy.

Today, in between sets of breakfast, school, work and friends I tell myself mantras over and over and over and over and over again… stuff like,

“I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m blessed. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m blessed.”

Sometimes if I start to hear ED play his emo-trash and play on my insecurities I’ll play,

“I’m not everything, I’m enough. I’m not everything, I’m enough.”

When things don’t turn out the way I want them to (which us controlling Eating Disorder girls experience often) I think,

“God’s plan is perfect. God’s plan is perfect. God’s plan is perfect.”

And when the eating disorder tells me that I’m not beautiful enough or thin enough, I again say, “I’m not everything. I’m enough.”

“I’m not everything, I’m enough.” Is actually the first melody I learned in Eating Disorder recovery. It’s meaning is quite profound.

If you look at the first part, “I’m not everything….” This means I can never be everything to everyone. Which means I can’t be everyone’s best friend and I can’t be everyone’s enemy either. I can’t be the smartest to everyone and I can’t be the dumbest to everyone. Physically it’s impossible, therefore it is true. I’m not everything.” This gives me some peace. It evens out the playing field that I have never really accurately understood. I have always thought it was a good thing to be many things, but it really isn’t. Because if everyone and everything liked me that would mean some shady characters would like me too and that’s not necessarily who or what I want to be either.

In the second part, “I’m enough.” Is where I learn that who I am exactly at this moment is actually enough to stand on two firm feet in the world. I have already established that I can’t be everything to everyone, but I can be me, abstinent, un-abstinent, sober, alcoholic, depressed or happy…. It doesn’t matter, because no matter what I do, I will always be enough because of the first word in this phrase, “I’m” the second part is defining the first, “Enough” and as long as  I am an “I’m” I will always be “enough” no matter what “I’m” looks like, sounds like or acts. That gives me so much peace.

 I hope you girls learn how to be your own "Mix Master Miss" upstairs in your head. Because you’re worth the good tunes. Life is too good for bad music!

Some of my most difficult moments at the Victorian have been watching a family hand over their daughter, sister and mother to us. Often times the client is screaming, crying and pleading the typical statements of, “This is a mistake! I do not have a problem!” and “Please don’t leave me here! I’ll eat! I swear!” The clients behavior is typical for anyone who would be scared and frightened of giving up their disease and being left in this new place with all of these new people (who are allegedly going to take away the disease that gives them the only aspect of control that they have.) Having worked in the field I know that the clients are going to be more than okay.  That actually this is the best place in the world for them and in just about 48 hours they will realize that too and will be hugging and periodically laughing and yet still crying soon.

The difficulty for me has always been watching the parents leave. Their usually crying and sad as well, but it’s the looks on their faces that kills me. I can only describe it as the look on someone’s face if their home of the past 30 years was just demolished by a tornado. You can’t see a tornado coming, you are shocked, heart broken and at a loss for words at the devastation in front of you… but, they can’t do anything about it now… but just walk away and start over.  It’s in the “walking away” part that there is a fine line… “how far exactly should the parents walk away?”

Parents usually take two routes. Route 1: Helicopter Parent. Out of love they want constant contact with the client, out of fear they question the therapeutic process and the staff, out of anger they are impatient with the recovery process of their loved one.

Route 2: The family expects that the staff “fix” the client. They don’t want to show up for, Family Week. They don’t want to be bothered with updates on the clients progress. They just want the bill and the date to pick up their “fixed” loved one. These families aren’t “bad” or “insensitive” people, in fact they are very sensitive. They are in so much pain that they can’t bare to witness the healing process because it means they might have to get some healing themselves and healing usually involves a lot of pain to walk through before you get to the other side.

I would like to show you some stats that are pretty impressive regarding how the family plays a part in Eating Disorder Recovery:

One study involving 80 teens with bulimia put about half in a treatment program that included family therapy and the others in more traditional psychotherapy. Six months later, the success rate for those given family therapy was twice as great as it was for the others.

About 40 percent of teens whose families participated in their treatment had stopped bingeing and purging, compared with 18 percent of those treated without family involvement. The study was published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.

Another study, published in the journal Eating Disorders, followed 32 teenage girls with anorexia and found that 75 percent of them were in full remission three years after treatment that had included family therapy.

So if you really want your loved one to recover long term you’ll show up for every therapy session and Family Week right? Well, half right… Right in YES, show up, as Woody Allen says, “90% of success is just showing up.” The other half is you have to show up WILLING to also look at how you as a FAMILY have played a part in the Eating Disorder. I remind you that Eating Disorders are genetic. It’s no one's fault, just like Bipolar Disorder is no one's fault… it’s a psychological disorder… however, environment factor and FAMILIES greatly trigger these disorders… meaning every woman out there with Eating Disorders, yes all 10 million in the United States alone, have a family that also needs to be in therapy. That family needs to change their own family dynamics, boundaries and values while the client is re-feeding themselves and trying to combat the most fatal disease of all psychological disorders.

All that to say, I hope see you at Family Week. It’s hard. It’s not pretty. It will be exhausting. It will be painful. It will be shocking. It will also be the difference between the girl you love living the life she was put on earth to live, or dying and becoming another statistic. Choices… we all have choices. Make yours a good one.

We have all seen the elephant in the room with an Eating Disorder. She is the girl who seems to live at the gym and talks to no one. Though she looks like a frail walking skeleton you’re pretty sure her glare could quite possibly kill you on the spot if you get to close to her coveted treadmill. Then there is the shy co-worker who hides her obese frame in her cubicle.  Her drawer is full of sweet and salty binge foods that she eats all day. She refuses to go out to lunch with the office and instead isolates. 

So how do we help someone we suspect may have an Eating Disorder?  We have to answer the CALL which definitely isn’t an overnight process….  

Connection – Part of the reason you feel compelled to help this person who possibly has an Eating Disorder is because you notice the lack of connection in their life. You’ve noticed this person has no friends, no hobbies, a lot of anger, a ton of hatred and some serious depression. On the flip sometimes  they are possibly the opposite extreme as an “Achieve-a-holic” and are so hyper and busy that they can’t build connections. A lot of the reason for these behaviors is somewhere in their past this person learned that connections are dangerous and hurtful. You are going to try and break down this barrier by building a connection and being their friend. Take an interest in one thing they like: Animals? Books? Science? Fashion? Let them know that you care about what they care about and maintain that connection. Be the same person you are each time you see this person: stable and loving. A person with an Eating Disorder will look for any reason possible to turn on you and consider you “ dangerous just like everyone else.” Try and keep your commitments and your word with this person. Let them know that this “connection” with you is important to you.

Authenticity –  From an Anorexic to a Compulsive Overeater, people with Eating Disorders don’t believe that the world allows them to be their authentic selves. They truly believe they will combust if they actually speak their mind and stick to it. It’s your job to mirror authenticity to them. Show this person what authenticity looks like. Be humble, talk about your own struggles with insecurity, self worth, pain and anger. Show this person that you accept yourself for all your gifts and equally for all of your flaws. This will shock them like seeing snow on the beach. They will be attracted to that element of authenticity because essentially that’s what we ALL want. 

Laughing – When you’re introduced to a new baby what do you do? You try to make them laugh. When men take women on dates, what do they try to do? They try to make them laugh. Why do we do this? Because we all know that when we are laughing it signals that we feel safe with the other person. This may sound trite, but try to find the humor in life with the person you suspect has an Eating Disorder. When you make them laugh their brain will fire serotonin that will then fire a signal to their frontal lobe that you are a safe person to be with.

Loving – Now the hard part…. Loving…. Is a hard thing to do. I was recently introduced by a friend of mine to a guy that I dated for a couple of weeks. It didn’t end well and when my friend heard about this he asked me, “Do you mind if I have a man to man talk with this guy the next time I see him about this whole situation?” I thought about it for awhile and I realized that if my friend said anything to this guy I was going to look like an immature little girl who ran to her friend and tattled. On the flip I also realized that in my recovery from my Eating Disorder that I had many people lovingly call me out on my behavior and that made me realize the gravity of my disease. So my answer was, “If you feel that’s on your heart to do go for it. People being honest with me is the most loving thing I have ever experienced.” The guy was spoken to. Will he change his behavior? Will he treat the next woman differently? I don’t’ know.  But at least I know that I was willing to make a loving decision even though it was uncomfortable to do so.

The fact of the matter is talking to someone about their Eating Disorder is a very uncomfortable, awkward thing to do; which is why so many people let the elephant stay in the room. But, if you can get over that fear of uncomfortable and awkward feelings you just might be doing someone a favor … or even saving their life. When I think of love I don’t think of Cinderella, The Notebook or Romeo and Juliet… I think of Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus…. I think of people who put themselves in the most uncomfortable situations for the sake of other people being able to experience FREEDOM at its fullest.

I think that no matter our education on Eating Disorder we can all see that the person in this disease is in chains. The only way we free them from that is by lovingly saying, “I care about you. I adore you. I’m also worried about you and I think you might have an Eating Disorder that’s killing you and it’s killing me to watch it.” Then sit there and listen. See what they say, they might deny it. They might laugh in your face. They might scream in your face (that one is always intersting ;) ) and they might (which I have also experienced) say, “How did you know? Can you help me? “  

You never know what comes from loving someone. It’s scary. It’s heartbreaking, but most of the time… it’s worth it. Thanks for reading this post and thank you for answering the CALL to love someone out of their Eating Disorder.

Dear any woman with an Eating Disorder,

If you only knew what I know now, you would prevent this nightmare from getting any worse. My name is *Kelsey Conrad, and I am an alumni of the Victorian House, a rehab for Eating Disorders in Newport Beach, California. I was in-patient there for about 6 months.. yes, SIX months..hard to believe for me, even still. I was admitted because my bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive overeating got out of control, and I struggled greatly with maintaining "abstinence" from food on a daily basis. It became a habitual cycle to be engaging in behaviors like: binging, purging, restricting food, taking laxatives, diet pills, and over-exercising. I found myself lost in my negative thought process, and realized I wasn't going anywhere I wanted to go in life, nor did i believe I was capable of doing so. After a few more years of turmoil and hopelessness, I found myself in the office at the Victorian, signing my life away for the next thirty days.

In a sense it was liberating to know that I was finally going to be taken care of, and these people are here to help me activate my life, and find my true self. The staff at the Victorian are very loving people. They are willing to do what it takes to make you reach your goal.

During this process, there were a lot of things that I had to sacrifice in order to be healthy again, and it was very hard sometimes to accept reality, and what is the most logical thing to do for my best interest. I found that keeping very busy with assignments, appointments, and activities was helpful in accelerating my recovery process. At The Victorian, there was never a dull moment. I enjoyed the meetings for the most part, but having the beach so close by wasn't too bad either. The therapist sessions were incredibly eye-opening, I was amazed at the little life lessons I learned while surrendering my disease to someone I knew could understand me. Mediation and yoga were probably my most favorite activities, not to mention all the tension I was relieved of during massage therapy. Holidays were amazing. During my stay at the Vic I missed: my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years, Valentines day, and Saint Patrick’s Day.

At first I only thought I was staying for 30 days, but my condition was still not completely relieved until five months later. It was very hard at times, because I missed my life, my friends, my family, my job, my car and my cell phone. But I knew that the only way I was ever going to be able to stay abstinent and sober was to surrender my will and take direction. I can honestly say that The Victorian saved my life. I'm eternally grateful for the friends I've made along the way, who will still take my phone call and help me to get out of self, for the knowledge I gained on how to live my life happy, free, and sane, and for the tools I need to sustain my true value for the rest of my life.

If I can say anything to you, its please get the help you deserve, and stick with it for as long as you can. It's amazing how much self-awareness and power you gain from working a program that is a proven method for improving your life, and loving your life. Keep coming back.

Love,

*Kelsey

*Name has been changed to protect the privacy of the alumni.  

One of my favorite stories to tell is one I heard at a 12 Step Meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. A woman who has suffered greatly from Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating made a pact with her daughter-in-law to do everything they could to prevent an Eating Disorder in this woman’s grand daughter, Stella. Eating Disorders are a genetic disorder, like alcoholism they can be passed down from generation to generation. The daughter was on board to prevent Stella from an Eating Disorder; so from the day Stella was born her mother always told her, “Stella you’ve got a great body!” Fast forward and Stella is 5 years old, she is playing with a little boy in her neighborhood. The boy tells her, “Stella you’re ugly! You need some makeup!” Stella response was priceless… she said, “First of all, I’m very pretty. Second of all I’VE GOT A GREAT BODY!”

Can you imagine? A 5 year old sticking up for herself? Not doubting her physical worth? I think it’s partly an amazing story because you just don’t hear stories like this. It’s more common to hear stories about little girls coming home in tears that someone called them fat. What was it that happened for Stella that this little boy couldn’t shake her up? Why was she so strong and sturdy in her self worth?  I believe it’s because she was repeatedly fed confidence and strength in exactly who she is each and every day for the past 1825 days of her life.

So what are the rest of the little girls in our society feasting on? Well we have anorexic Barbie’s, glossy celebrity magazines and Disney films with ONE princess and coincidentally no mommy. This void of mommy’s in Disney movies only became apparent to me recently. But if you think about it, Cinderella’s mother was dead, Jasmine’s mother was dead, The Little Mermaids mother was dead, Belle’s mother was dead, Snow White’s mother was dead and  Sleeping Beauty’s mother sent her to the forest with some granny fairies. So the message we get from these stories absent of a mother is that in order to be a shiny beautiful princess you have to figure out the lessons of life on your own with your colorful animal friends.

But, does that work in real life? No.

So where did all the mommy’s go? Apparently here they are dead. That’s one thing, but what about the rest of the mommies on this earth who have daughters with Eating Disorders where are they? Are they telling their daughter that she is beautiful in body, mind and spirit? That she deserves to be respected and valued for simply existing, outside of her good looks and good grades? I’m not sure they are because we have 7 million women in America with Eating Disorders. Yes, Eating Disorders are genetic, but they are also somewhat preventable. Preventable by you and me.

I would like to request a “Resurrection of the mommies!” If you are a woman in any young girls life, whether you be a sister, aunt, nanny, teacher, soccer coach or dance instructor it’s your job to tell the little princesses in your life, “I think you are a beautiful, strong and amazing young woman. You have a great body and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

Society can be messed up and it can create messed up kids. But as human beings we have a choice on which way we choose to go. WE can either build strong women like Stella or create juvenile princesses with no purpose but entertainment value. The choice is all of ours.

Eating Disorders
The three main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder.

Percent of Population

In their lifetime, an estimated 0.6 percent of the adult population in the U.S. will suffer from anorexia, 1.0 percent from bulimia, and 2.8 percent from a binge eating disorder.

Women are Affected More

Women are much more likely than males to develop an eating disorder. They are three times as likely to experience anorexia (0.9 percent of women vs. 0.3 percent of men) and bulimia (1.5 percent of women vs. 0.5 percent of men) during their life.

Women are also 75 percent more likely to have a binge eating disorder (3.5 percent of women vs. 2.0 percent of men).

A Deadly Disorder

The mortality rate among people with anorexia has been estimated at 0.56 percent per year, or approximately 5.6 percent per decade, which is about 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all causes of death among females ages 15-24 in the general population. 

Getting Help

Contact The Victorian by Calling 888-268-9182 for a confidential assessment and have your questions answered by one of our caring intake counselors.  Don't wait, eating disorders are deadly.

We read a great article about Miss America visiting Arizona and spreading her good message. Here is the article on abc15.com. 

She has been to our facility before several times spreading her message and working toward the benefit of women who struggle with disordered eating.

As you can see in the below video, she had some nice things to say about our facility: 

Happy Monday beauties! Last night we kicked off a great Book Study at the Victorian Recovery Rocks Meeting. We just started reading Life Doesn't Begin 5 Pounds From Now by Jessica Weiner. The meeting runs for an hour. We read for the first half hour, then reflected as a group on the reading for the last half hour. The thoughts from the women were a unanymous, "This book is AMAZING!" and "My Eating Disorder is evil." In the book Weiner highlights how utterly bizarre it is how much easier it is for a woman to say, "I'm Fat" rather than, "I'm lonely." It's also more acceptable for a woman to say, "I'm on a diet" rather than "I need time to take care of myself." Weiner points out the taboo's and ruffles the feathers of deciet. We are all so stoked to get back to this book in the weeks to come!

5 Pounds from Now

I actually went online and found some more info on Jessica Weiner. If you want to get involved in advocacy for Eating Disorder recovery her site is a great place to start, check it out: http://www.jessweiner.com/

Victorian House for Eating Disorder Recovery

My name is Irvina and I am an Anorexic, Bulimic, Compulsive Overeater and support staff at The Victorian House in Newport Beach, California. The Victorian House is a rehab for women with Eating Disorders and Chemical addictions.

If I could describe the "The Vic" in one word it would be "Integrity."

If you were to visit the house you wouldn't find locks on the refrigerator doors or a security guard at the front gate preventing people from leaving, like you see in other rehabs. You would find a house filled with people willing to support women in their recovery. No one MUST finish their meal, MUST attend a meeting or MUST work the 12 steps. We let our clients make choices, they reap the rewards and or consequences. We are open, direct and loving when we see behaviors that do not match up with integrity, but we always stand firm that we are a source of support, but the healing can only be done by the client. Healing from an eating disorder is an inside job. No rehab, therapist, anti-depressant or money can buy you healing, but a person WILLING to heal can find recovery and many, many have.

The Victorian houses six women at a time and walks with them on their journey of recovery. Some stay for as short as 30 days and others stay as long as 9 months. As well, we have a step down facility called "The Lido Track" that allows women to do life but still utilize the support needed.

This blog will be a source of recovery for Victorian Alumni, potential Victorian clients and any other women in recovery or seeking recovery from her eating disorder. We will discuss all topics eating disorder related, from body dysmorphia to cross addictions and self-care. We hope this blog will be a source of healing and understanding about yourself and your disease. I am looking forward to blogging here! I love to write so you'll be hearing a mouthful from me. There will also be other doctors, therapists, dieticians, staff and alumni writing on this blog. It will be a ecclectic group all focused on recovery. Check back soon for a new post.

Happy Recovery,
Irvina

"Recovery is a Choice"

Dear Liar,

I must write you this letter so that you completely understand what I intend to do about our relationship.You have been an important part of my life from the very start, and you were the best tool i had to keep me from understanding the pain i felt deep inside. You've been with me through thick and thin, deep and shallow water. You helped me get where I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful. Without you none of this may have happened. Who knows what could have happened? Only God knows, and thats precisely why she gave you to me, to be where I am now, getting rid of you. To me you were a message, a challenge, and a life lesson. This is why I must be sincere, clear, and completely thorough. You have been a curse, and somewhat of a blessing. What you did to me was so physically and emotionally damaging. I felt like you wanted me to die a slow and painful death, I felt like you wanted to make me the scum of the earth, a miserable woman without a heart or a soul. Thank you for showing me this. You've shown me how deep and broken your sadistic world is, you whispered lie after lie until suddenly my entire world was fabricated. You raped me and abused me, made me dance on the strings tied to your finger tips. You were always so angry. That rage in you created a rage in me. A fury that I will never ever forget. You were all I ever knew for so long, but i've asked god to help me deal with you now. She gave you to me so that I could see the infinite and amazing power I hold. Know that I know God, she is helping me remove you from my thoughts, my actions, and my life.

I cannot trust you anymore, only god. I've decided there is a new way for me to live happy, joyous, and free, and that is surrendering my will to God, your will, and everything else that is beyond my control. Liar, you are no longer invited into my thoughts, or welcome into my life. You do not control me anymore. I refuse to believe any of your grandeous ideas, they are all lies. You cannot hurt me anymore. I've found someone else. Someone much bigger, and much more powerful than you. Someone who fills me up with love instead of hate. I'm sorry liar, but there just isnt room for you anymore, we're through. thank you for showing me pain, because without that i wouldnt know how to love.

Love,

An Awesome, Amazing Victorian Client

Aint she a rockstar?

Strength in Recovery,

Love, Irvina

And that is exactly what its like for us, breathing under water. It is physically impossible, no? You bet it is. The second you try to breathe your lungs are filled with water and you suffocate to death. The same happens to an anorexic when she tries to eat food. Her body starts to react as if she was drowning. Her adrenaline starts to rise. She goes into sensory overload and fills up with fear, she feels nauseous, anxious, angry, her pulse starts to race. She'll do anything in order to not allow that food into her body because if she does she believes she just might die. The same way you believe breathing under water just might kill you.

I bring this up today because it seems that relapses are the topic of discussion lately. Relapses are pretty common with eating disorders. Yet, are still looked upon with dissapointment and shame. I find that odd considering how that it is rare for any ED client to have a clean path from an eating disorder to a treatment facility and then to recovery. The majority of clients need to first learn how to even sit in the uncomfortable waters of recovery before they can even tread the water of it. But, for some reason everyone thinks that they should be able to go into treatment and miraculously be healed? Did you ride a two-wheel bike perfectly the first time you picked it up? Did you walk the tight rope without falling the first time you placed your foot on the rope? Did you surf a 20 foot wave the first time you picked up a board? Exactly. So why on earth would you expect to be able to eat like a normal person the first time you tried?

Eating Disorders are not like alcohol or drugs where you, "Just don't drink" and "Don't use." You have to see food EVERYDAY for the rest of your life. So mathematically there are millions of more opportunities to mess up. It is my personal opinion that relapses are common in the first year of recovery. Adopting a new way of life, a new way of thinking a new way of reacting is not easy, it is not fun, but one thing it is a ton of WORK!

Whether or not you're in your first year or first 4 years of recovery and are still having trouble relapsing I would say, "Recovery is a process." Try, try, try, pray, pray, pray, be honest, honest, honest and keep giving it up and it will eventually happen for you. It took me a full year of relapsing before I got a solid year of recovery. I learned just as much from my relapses as I did in my abstinence. The trick is to stay in meetings, stay connected to your treatment facility, keep calling your sponsor and never stop working the 12 steps. Abstinence does happen and it will happen for you too! I promise.

Keep swimming!

Irvina

My waist, arms and even fingers feel fat don't tell me that what I'm feeling is not real!" But, alas after many relapses, diets, detoxes, support groups, journaling and visits to the infamous purple couch I have waived the white flag of surrender and do cross my heart and I definitely agree, "Fat is not a feeling."

I feel fat

What I know now that I didn't know then is that when I said "I feel fat" it was really my way of covering up a deeper feeling, a scary uncomfortable feeling that I just didn't like...well...."feeling." For instance I remember being very deep in my anorexia and going to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting at a table across from a guy who was trying to get to know me. I couldn't hear a word he was saying because I was so consumed with how uncomfortable I suddenly felt in my jeans. I felt like I had rolls hanging out. I felt that he was looking at how fat I was. I kept looking at all the other girls in the room and watching what they ate and how much. At the time I would have definitely have said, "I feel fat right now" What I couldn't say at the time was the truth that "I feel inadequate. Scared that I am not chill enough. Fearful that I am not pretty enough. I don’t feel funny enough or smart enough." But, those things are too hard to admit. Those things are too scary and are the things at the core of who I am as a person and that is scary stuff to touch. So instead I take a route that I think I can control...my weight and appearance. Because I may not be able to argue with you on how intelligent and funny you think I am, but you can't deny that I am a wearing double zero jeans.

After a couple years of recovery I still have moments when "I feel fat" but the beauty of that now is when I hear myself saying I'm fat I see that now as a signal to go deeper and see what’s really bothering me. Do I really feel uncomfortable in these shorts or do I really feel a lot of pressure to be perfect at work? Do I really need to lose 5 pounds or am I still upset about that look my sister gave me at Thanksgiving two days ago?

A widely held misconception of Eating Disorders is that they are rooted in vanity and self promotion. The truth is that they are the exact opposite, they are rooted in fear and inadequacy. An Eating Disorder is nothing but a symptom of the loss of self preservation, basically they are form of slow suicide.

I challenge everyone this week to really think about the events leading up to the moment you utter the words, "I feel fat." If you're anything like me you might hear that voice quite a bit, the trick is to start noticing it and shutting it down before it’s too late. In other words, there are a lot of women in rehab who "feel fat".

Thanks for letting me chit chat with you today! We're getting some other Victorian Staff on here to blog this week! Stay tuned for some amazing blogs!

Keep in Recovery!

Irvina

They explained that the recovery process is pretty dramatic in and of itself and adding a guy to the mix only adds to the already messy knot of emotions, food, uncomfortable situations and insecurities. But like any arrogant addict I blew off the words of the wise and went off dating as I pleased. My argument was that my case was definitely the exception to the rule. I had established boundaries with friends and family and I knew what I wanted from a relationship.

Like many others who date during their first year of recovery, my experience was not a good one. I discovered that even though I had good boundaries with the people I was close to, those boundaries became muddled when I was trying hard to get the approval of someone new. I also found that dating brought out my ED voice and made me hypersensitive and insecure on dates, which resulted in messy food at home. I kept doing and saying things that I wasn’t proud of and that my true self didn’t agree with. After talking out these relationships with sponsors and therapist, I agreed…I’m just not ready for relationships right now.

If I could give you a metaphor I would say dating in recovery is kind of like baking cupcakes. We all love cupcakes. They are cute, fun to look at and delicious to eat. But, if you take them out of the oven before their down cooking (and cooling) you know what will happen…a big goopy, disgusting mess that tastes like raw eggs and makes a mess all over your cute dress. Yup, that’s what dating in recovery is like. You put all this time, effort and energy into your recovery. You eat your 3 meals and 3 snacks, you go to meetings, you go to therapy, you do yoga and then you take a huge jump and go date the dude down the street and you’ve got a whole mess of tears, emotions, weird food and drama. Not so much fun (or cute.)

Whether or not we’ve had 5 minutes of recovery or 5 years of recovery we all have that voice inside us that tells us right from wrong. It’s our true self trying to get out. It’s our job to relentlessly pursue that voice until in manifests into our entire being. That’s what recovery is all about becoming who we truly want to be. Then eventually sharing that person with someone extra special and deserving of us.

Love you beautiful ladies,

Irvina

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana