March

Happy Monday beauties! Last night we kicked off a great Book Study at the Victorian Recovery Rocks Meeting. We just started reading Life Doesn't Begin 5 Pounds From Now by Jessica Weiner. The meeting runs for an hour. We read for the first half hour, then reflected as a group on the reading for the last half hour. The thoughts from the women were a unanymous, "This book is AMAZING!" and "My Eating Disorder is evil." In the book Weiner highlights how utterly bizarre it is how much easier it is for a woman to say, "I'm Fat" rather than, "I'm lonely." It's also more acceptable for a woman to say, "I'm on a diet" rather than "I need time to take care of myself." Weiner points out the taboo's and ruffles the feathers of deciet. We are all so stoked to get back to this book in the weeks to come!

5 Pounds from Now

I actually went online and found some more info on Jessica Weiner. If you want to get involved in advocacy for Eating Disorder recovery her site is a great place to start, check it out: http://www.jessweiner.com/

The article discusses the misunderstanding that Eating Disorders root from the media images of emaciated models. R.A. Botta, who is the writer of the 1999 study, “Television Images and Adolescent Girls’ Body Image Disturbance” states that the media doesn’t make one Anorexic. Anorexia is a psychological disorder that is found to be a genetic disposition from birth.

The reason I bring this up is I think it’s quite poignant that my friend and others would be surprised to hear that Anorexia and other Eating Disorders are not rooted from our medias expectations on the human figure, but really are psychological. What bothers me is that I have found people outside of the Eating Disorder field to refer to Eating Disorders as a “phase” or “vanity” and “self absorption.” Those statements themselves are myths.

Eating Disorder Myths

Eating Disorders are intricate and deep rooted Psychological disorders. Anyone who has worked in the field or has experienced an Eating Disorder themselves can attest to that.

I think the best way to describe it is the difference between an Anorexic and woman who diets is that the Anorexic has no threshold with dieting and starving. Women who are not Anorexic will diet, but then get hungry, blow their diet and just eat. An anorexic will keep going even after she is told how ill she is, how brittle her bones are and how close she is to a heart attack….she has no self-preservation...which makes it a mental illness.

I remember this study that polled 10,000 women about body image and dieting. They asked the women "If I gave you a pill that guaranteed you would be skinny, but taking the pill had a side affect of you possibly dying would you take it?"...10% of those women said, "Yes." That 10% is the group of Anorexics/Bulimic/Eating Disordered women. Willing to die to be thin is an illness.

If you still aren’t convinced take a read at the article from DicoveryNews.com yourself by clicking here. Education is the key to destroying these myths that block the women who are truly sick with this disease from getting help while they wait for this “phase” to pass and end up dying. Blog soon! Irvina

I have seen the women rally around each other and finding the positive side of being in Eating Disorder treatment over the holiday. Many note that being in treatment will make them a better wife, girlfriend and mother in the long run. Treatment allows them the opportunity to love deeper and better.

Love Yourself First

As I hear the women talk I am reminded of an old adage, “Before you can love anyone else, you must first love yourself.” The first time I heard this was when I was about 17. These words sounded like a foreign language to me. I envisioned myself on a football field, all suited up and ready to play, but before I could even step on the field the referee stopped me before I ever touched the sidelines with the prerequisite, “You must love yourself first, BEFORE you can step on the field and play.” Up until that point I had always believed that love was an open game for anyone to play, that is anyone who had the “courage” to play.

Since the first time I have heard this saying about loving yourself first, I have learned that courage definitely is necessary to love, but the courage must be rooted in a deep love to love yourself through thick and thin. The best way I can paint this picture is with a high school. All high school teenagers go through a phase of insecurity, self doubt and confusion. While they are trying to figure out where they belong amongst cheerleaders and the artsy crew, they cling to their close friends for reassurance and praise that they do in deed have a place to belong. I’m sure all of us remember “cliques” in high school. Not loving yourself first is like being a hormonal teenager in a clique. You cling to a group or best friend to validate you, define you and give you purpose. Eventually though we all learn that our best friends are flawed too. That just because they are in our clique doesn’t make them infalliable. This realization that our clique isn't perfect sends us into a tail spin, that we aren't safe in the world any longer.

The truth is when you love yourself you can step out of a clique and say, “Wow, I’m not as loud as a cheerleader. I’m not as deep as the drama kids. I’m not as charismatic as the ASB president. In honesty, I’m a talented individual who can make great tea pots with clay, I’m an average student, but I’m a kind person and I’m a great friend and I draw well with pastels. And now that I see that I am not perfect I can also see that other people aren’t perfect. I can see where I have a temper, insecurity and fear and I still love myself for that. I don’t need anyone’s validation that I am smart or pretty enough, because I know that I am just fine where I am. When we get to this spot of accepting ourselves and not clinging to anything or anyone to keep us safe we can freely and openly love people. We can see our partners for their weaknesses and flaws and say, I know you’re not perfect and I know I’m not perfect, but I still love you and I still love me.

In all honesty I think it’s actually harder to love yourself than to love another person. Because at the end of the day we know our flaws. We know where we are ignorant, rude and inconsiderate. The hard thing is to be able to look at ourselves honestly and say, “I know you’re not perfect and I still LOVE you.” When we can do that for ourselves we can honestly and sincerely grow close to other people. We can see where they are not perfect and instead of being disappointed or critical of them we can instead relate to that imperfection and in turn say, “I know you’re not perfect, but I still LOVE you.”

Happy Valentines to all! May you love much and well this year and may you most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
 
xoxo,
Irvina

Eating Disorders are not a disease of vanity, self absorption or an aversion to food, they are a disease of the mind. For a person without an Eating Disorder addiction it is normal to have some feelings of insecurity when "Keeping up with Jones'" It's the human condition to look around and ask, "Where do I measure up?" "Where can I improve?" But, for a woman or man with an Eating Disorder the question isn't "Where do I measure up?" It's "Am I the BEST?" If we are not the BEST, we honestly, hate ourselves and we cope with putting the focus and attention on our bodies.

Research has proven that women with Anorexia Nervosa have IQ scores between 120 and 140 (Thats pretty stinkin' high) Obviously it is in the genetic disposition of these clients to be naturally high achievers. The goal in Eating Disorder treatment is to take that drive for perfection and channel it into a healthy avenue that looks like a "Perfectly Imperfect Life." Now, to you, maybe you're a parent or a concerned loved one you think, "Well duh. Life isn't perfect. That sounds simple. I'll teach my girl that myself." If that's your stance then I have two words for you: "Good Luck." I have worked in the Eating Disorder field for about 2 years now and I have experienced an ED myself. If there is something I know about "us" it's that this relinquishing of perfection and constant comparing takes a lifetime of recovery work.

At the Victorian we talk about being the best "Phoebe, Chloe, Liz and Irvina you can be." Doing our personal best each day and being patient with ourselves. More times than not this new way of thinking sounds repulsive to clients, I remember one client insisting, "NO! I have to be the BEST! I won't settle for the best me! I want to be THE BEST!" As she broke down in sobs.

As a woman in recovery, the thing that I have to remember about being the "BEST" is that because I have a voice in my head called "ED" my best will never be good enough. Once I accomplish straight A's, I'll be told "Anyone can do that. Wheres your 7 figure job?" Once I have the job I'll be told, "Everyone can make money. Wheres your husband?" Then I'll have him and I'll be told, "He's not much....she has a better husband...you should get a new one." The comparing, the achieving, the having never lets up with an ED. Thats why it takes a lifetime of recovery, meetings, a support group of friends who understand and periodic therapy.

I think that because Eating Disorders are so taboo in the media and not many people know that they are indeed an addiction, it seems as if a woman should just learn to "eat again and move on with her life." Hmmm...the women I know who have done that have come back after 8 years asking for help again because they thought the bulimia and starvation was gone. This disease is stuck in between the crevices and the corners of our brain. It's always waiting to pounce on us and take us down and kill us, like drugs and alcohol. That is the nature of the disease to kill us. I'm not trying to sound dark and dramatic, I guess I'm just trying to relate how something as simple as the act of comparing my body to your body can send me into a tail spin. That if I let myself look at how awesome your job and boyfriend are and then look at my single self I might come up short and then want to starve over my feelings of insecurity. So whats the solution? 1.) Meetings: Where I can say, "Hey I think I suck cause she looks cute in that dress. Is that normal?" 2.) A new way of thinking: Remembering that I am on my path and you are on yours. Sometimes I'll be in a sunnier spot and sometimes you will be, but it's my job to focus on my path, not yours.

I pray that whoever you are who is reading this blog that you learn to not compare yourself to others. That you appreciate yourself and explore your uniqueness and gifts and utilize them to the best of YOUR ability.

Much love,

Irvina

Like Alcoholism an Eating Disorder is a disease of the mind and Impulse Control Disorder goes hand in hand with Anorexia, Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating. An Impulse Control Disorder is defined as: A psychological disorders characterized by the repeated inability to refrain from performing a particular action that is harmful either to oneself or others.
Causes of Impulse Control disorder are thought to come from 4 possible areas.

ED Suffers Struggle With Impulse Control

1.) Traumatic Brain Injury – Particularly true when the damage has been done to the frontal cortex area. (Jentsch & Taylor, 1999.)

2.) Substance Abuse – Research shows that those who abuse multiple substances show more impulsive behavior than those who abuse single substances. (O’Boyle & Baratt, 1993).

3.) Major Mental Disorders - Often associated with impulsivity while the individual is in a psychotic state. This is particularly true of Bipolar Disorder where the impulsive behavior is most often associated with the manic phase.

4.) Personality Disorders - Primarily borderline, anti-social, narcissistic, and histrionic. Impulsivity in the form of risk-tasking behaviors, sexual promiscuity, gestures and threats of self-harm and other attention-seeking behaviors.

“So what is the treatment for someone with Impulse Control Disorder AND an Eating Disorder?” I’m so glad you asked! … At The Victorian the program is structured to battle Eating Disorders from 3 angles. Mental, Physical and Spiritual. Here is how we do it.

1.) MENTAL - Therapy – We teach our clients the life long tool of how to be their own therapist. Our therapist don’t preach they challenge the clients ….“Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now before I do this impulsive act? Now, play it through…what am I going to do, how am I going to do it and how will I feel afterward?” Through therapy we give clients tools to take care of themselves and eventually heal.

2.) PHYSICAL - Medication – Within the first few days of arrival at The Victorian an appointment is set up with a trusted and outstanding Psychiatrist who assesses the client and prescribes medication if needed.

3.) SPIRITUAL - Supportive Living Environment – When it comes to Eating Disorders and Impulse Control Disorder, recovery is a life long process. It starts with the individual being held accountable for their actions by staff. At The Victorian we don’t lock the cupboards or kitchen and we allow clients to prepare their own food with staff present. The only job of the client is to be honest, to ask for support when their impulses feel out of control and to speak up when their ED (Eating Disorder) is chattering eating disordered thoughts to them. Together staff and client can battle this disease together.

I hope this answered some of your questions about Impulse Control Disorder and Eating Disorders! Have a great weekend and Happy Recovery! Xoxo Irvina

Victorian House for Eating Disorder Recovery

My name is Irvina and I am an Anorexic, Bulimic, Compulsive Overeater and support staff at The Victorian House in Newport Beach, California. The Victorian House is a rehab for women with Eating Disorders and Chemical addictions.

If I could describe the "The Vic" in one word it would be "Integrity."

If you were to visit the house you wouldn't find locks on the refrigerator doors or a security guard at the front gate preventing people from leaving, like you see in other rehabs. You would find a house filled with people willing to support women in their recovery. No one MUST finish their meal, MUST attend a meeting or MUST work the 12 steps. We let our clients make choices, they reap the rewards and or consequences. We are open, direct and loving when we see behaviors that do not match up with integrity, but we always stand firm that we are a source of support, but the healing can only be done by the client. Healing from an eating disorder is an inside job. No rehab, therapist, anti-depressant or money can buy you healing, but a person WILLING to heal can find recovery and many, many have.

The Victorian houses six women at a time and walks with them on their journey of recovery. Some stay for as short as 30 days and others stay as long as 9 months. As well, we have a step down facility called "The Lido Track" that allows women to do life but still utilize the support needed.

This blog will be a source of recovery for Victorian Alumni, potential Victorian clients and any other women in recovery or seeking recovery from her eating disorder. We will discuss all topics eating disorder related, from body dysmorphia to cross addictions and self-care. We hope this blog will be a source of healing and understanding about yourself and your disease. I am looking forward to blogging here! I love to write so you'll be hearing a mouthful from me. There will also be other doctors, therapists, dieticians, staff and alumni writing on this blog. It will be a ecclectic group all focused on recovery. Check back soon for a new post.

Happy Recovery,
Irvina

"Recovery is a Choice"

Dear Liar,

I must write you this letter so that you completely understand what I intend to do about our relationship.You have been an important part of my life from the very start, and you were the best tool i had to keep me from understanding the pain i felt deep inside. You've been with me through thick and thin, deep and shallow water. You helped me get where I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful. Without you none of this may have happened. Who knows what could have happened? Only God knows, and thats precisely why she gave you to me, to be where I am now, getting rid of you. To me you were a message, a challenge, and a life lesson. This is why I must be sincere, clear, and completely thorough. You have been a curse, and somewhat of a blessing. What you did to me was so physically and emotionally damaging. I felt like you wanted me to die a slow and painful death, I felt like you wanted to make me the scum of the earth, a miserable woman without a heart or a soul. Thank you for showing me this. You've shown me how deep and broken your sadistic world is, you whispered lie after lie until suddenly my entire world was fabricated. You raped me and abused me, made me dance on the strings tied to your finger tips. You were always so angry. That rage in you created a rage in me. A fury that I will never ever forget. You were all I ever knew for so long, but i've asked god to help me deal with you now. She gave you to me so that I could see the infinite and amazing power I hold. Know that I know God, she is helping me remove you from my thoughts, my actions, and my life.

I cannot trust you anymore, only god. I've decided there is a new way for me to live happy, joyous, and free, and that is surrendering my will to God, your will, and everything else that is beyond my control. Liar, you are no longer invited into my thoughts, or welcome into my life. You do not control me anymore. I refuse to believe any of your grandeous ideas, they are all lies. You cannot hurt me anymore. I've found someone else. Someone much bigger, and much more powerful than you. Someone who fills me up with love instead of hate. I'm sorry liar, but there just isnt room for you anymore, we're through. thank you for showing me pain, because without that i wouldnt know how to love.

Love,

An Awesome, Amazing Victorian Client

Aint she a rockstar?

Strength in Recovery,

Love, Irvina

And that is exactly what its like for us, breathing under water. It is physically impossible, no? You bet it is. The second you try to breathe your lungs are filled with water and you suffocate to death. The same happens to an anorexic when she tries to eat food. Her body starts to react as if she was drowning. Her adrenaline starts to rise. She goes into sensory overload and fills up with fear, she feels nauseous, anxious, angry, her pulse starts to race. She'll do anything in order to not allow that food into her body because if she does she believes she just might die. The same way you believe breathing under water just might kill you.

I bring this up today because it seems that relapses are the topic of discussion lately. Relapses are pretty common with eating disorders. Yet, are still looked upon with dissapointment and shame. I find that odd considering how that it is rare for any ED client to have a clean path from an eating disorder to a treatment facility and then to recovery. The majority of clients need to first learn how to even sit in the uncomfortable waters of recovery before they can even tread the water of it. But, for some reason everyone thinks that they should be able to go into treatment and miraculously be healed? Did you ride a two-wheel bike perfectly the first time you picked it up? Did you walk the tight rope without falling the first time you placed your foot on the rope? Did you surf a 20 foot wave the first time you picked up a board? Exactly. So why on earth would you expect to be able to eat like a normal person the first time you tried?

Eating Disorders are not like alcohol or drugs where you, "Just don't drink" and "Don't use." You have to see food EVERYDAY for the rest of your life. So mathematically there are millions of more opportunities to mess up. It is my personal opinion that relapses are common in the first year of recovery. Adopting a new way of life, a new way of thinking a new way of reacting is not easy, it is not fun, but one thing it is a ton of WORK!

Whether or not you're in your first year or first 4 years of recovery and are still having trouble relapsing I would say, "Recovery is a process." Try, try, try, pray, pray, pray, be honest, honest, honest and keep giving it up and it will eventually happen for you. It took me a full year of relapsing before I got a solid year of recovery. I learned just as much from my relapses as I did in my abstinence. The trick is to stay in meetings, stay connected to your treatment facility, keep calling your sponsor and never stop working the 12 steps. Abstinence does happen and it will happen for you too! I promise.

Keep swimming!

Irvina

My waist, arms and even fingers feel fat don't tell me that what I'm feeling is not real!" But, alas after many relapses, diets, detoxes, support groups, journaling and visits to the infamous purple couch I have waived the white flag of surrender and do cross my heart and I definitely agree, "Fat is not a feeling."

I feel fat

What I know now that I didn't know then is that when I said "I feel fat" it was really my way of covering up a deeper feeling, a scary uncomfortable feeling that I just didn't like...well...."feeling." For instance I remember being very deep in my anorexia and going to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting at a table across from a guy who was trying to get to know me. I couldn't hear a word he was saying because I was so consumed with how uncomfortable I suddenly felt in my jeans. I felt like I had rolls hanging out. I felt that he was looking at how fat I was. I kept looking at all the other girls in the room and watching what they ate and how much. At the time I would have definitely have said, "I feel fat right now" What I couldn't say at the time was the truth that "I feel inadequate. Scared that I am not chill enough. Fearful that I am not pretty enough. I don’t feel funny enough or smart enough." But, those things are too hard to admit. Those things are too scary and are the things at the core of who I am as a person and that is scary stuff to touch. So instead I take a route that I think I can control...my weight and appearance. Because I may not be able to argue with you on how intelligent and funny you think I am, but you can't deny that I am a wearing double zero jeans.

After a couple years of recovery I still have moments when "I feel fat" but the beauty of that now is when I hear myself saying I'm fat I see that now as a signal to go deeper and see what’s really bothering me. Do I really feel uncomfortable in these shorts or do I really feel a lot of pressure to be perfect at work? Do I really need to lose 5 pounds or am I still upset about that look my sister gave me at Thanksgiving two days ago?

A widely held misconception of Eating Disorders is that they are rooted in vanity and self promotion. The truth is that they are the exact opposite, they are rooted in fear and inadequacy. An Eating Disorder is nothing but a symptom of the loss of self preservation, basically they are form of slow suicide.

I challenge everyone this week to really think about the events leading up to the moment you utter the words, "I feel fat." If you're anything like me you might hear that voice quite a bit, the trick is to start noticing it and shutting it down before it’s too late. In other words, there are a lot of women in rehab who "feel fat".

Thanks for letting me chit chat with you today! We're getting some other Victorian Staff on here to blog this week! Stay tuned for some amazing blogs!

Keep in Recovery!

Irvina

They explained that the recovery process is pretty dramatic in and of itself and adding a guy to the mix only adds to the already messy knot of emotions, food, uncomfortable situations and insecurities. But like any arrogant addict I blew off the words of the wise and went off dating as I pleased. My argument was that my case was definitely the exception to the rule. I had established boundaries with friends and family and I knew what I wanted from a relationship.

Like many others who date during their first year of recovery, my experience was not a good one. I discovered that even though I had good boundaries with the people I was close to, those boundaries became muddled when I was trying hard to get the approval of someone new. I also found that dating brought out my ED voice and made me hypersensitive and insecure on dates, which resulted in messy food at home. I kept doing and saying things that I wasn’t proud of and that my true self didn’t agree with. After talking out these relationships with sponsors and therapist, I agreed…I’m just not ready for relationships right now.

If I could give you a metaphor I would say dating in recovery is kind of like baking cupcakes. We all love cupcakes. They are cute, fun to look at and delicious to eat. But, if you take them out of the oven before their down cooking (and cooling) you know what will happen…a big goopy, disgusting mess that tastes like raw eggs and makes a mess all over your cute dress. Yup, that’s what dating in recovery is like. You put all this time, effort and energy into your recovery. You eat your 3 meals and 3 snacks, you go to meetings, you go to therapy, you do yoga and then you take a huge jump and go date the dude down the street and you’ve got a whole mess of tears, emotions, weird food and drama. Not so much fun (or cute.)

Whether or not we’ve had 5 minutes of recovery or 5 years of recovery we all have that voice inside us that tells us right from wrong. It’s our true self trying to get out. It’s our job to relentlessly pursue that voice until in manifests into our entire being. That’s what recovery is all about becoming who we truly want to be. Then eventually sharing that person with someone extra special and deserving of us.

Love you beautiful ladies,

Irvina

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana

Ralph Lauren Model - Fired for Not Fitting into Their Clothes

Filippa Hamilton is the former Ralph Lauren model featured here who was fired from Ralph Lauren for "being unable to fulfill her contract" Hamilton says, she was told that at 5'10 and 120 pounds she was too big to fit their clothes so they "let her go." The following picture is a Ralph Lauren ad of Hamilton that ran. It is obviously incredibly photoshopped as seeen in the proportion of her hips to her head, yet the advertisement ran. You can read more about the story here.

While I was thinking of something to blog about today, I was thinking of what was currently going on around me; Halloween is coming up, I live near a high school and teens are walking to school and I guess I'm just pondering all the pressure there is out there to be a teenager today.

Then I thought of this story we discussed a few weeks ago at The Victorian. My boss Michele Lob brought it up and the whole staff gathered around the computer and looked at the photoshopped image of Hamilton. Considering that we are a group of dieticians, therapist, counselors and women in recovery from our own eating disorders we were of course appaulled. But, I wonder about the teenage girl who sees this ad and hasn't walked in our shoes.

Does she see this ad and think this is normal? Does she see this ad and think thats what she should look like? I mean Ralph Lauren has a line of clothng for every gender and age. From babies to grandmas you can see that little polo player on anyone. So if a teen or even an adult woman or man sees a Ralph Lauren ad of a woman as emaciated as this one looks does that become their standard of dressing, style and beauty?

It's hard to be a teenager right now. You can't even celebrate Halloween without being expected to dress provacatively with a garter belt, fish nets and 4 inch skirt. I'm not gonna lie, I've done it in the past. But, when I think about why I did it I can honestly say because "everyone else was doing it." If everyone brings a sandwich for lunch in their brown paper bag I'm not gonna want my mom to pack me lasagna and if everyone is dressing like a revealing nurse for Halloween I'll want to dress that way too and I'll probably also want to look like the Ralph Lauren ad because, well isn't it normal too?

I have enough recovery from an Eating Disorder and knowledge about myself to know that what other people consider "normal" doesn't exactly make me happy or even a very nice person. If I was trying to become that Ralph Lauren model today I would probably do a liquid diet of coffee and soups and skip meals which equals "not happy." Then when I ran into my friends who were having lunch together and just enjoying the California sunshine I would probably be jealous that they got to eat food and I couldn't and I'd probably act passive aggressive with them and bitchy which equals "not nice." My point is I've had enough trial and error in my life to know that the "worlds normal" my "families normal" and "my normal" are all very different things.

Today I don't live by a magazines expectation of "looking good in jeans" or my anorexic friends idea of "a meal" today I live by whats going to make me a happy, healthy woman who can help other people recover from their eating disorders. Whatever that looks like is what I consider "normal." I challenge you to consider what the norms are in your life. Are you being true to yourself? Or are you living by someone elses expectations. It's an interesting thought.

xoxo,

Irvina

Some of these women won’t tolerate weight gain, but they also won’t give up binge drinking behaviors – and so these women are combining eating disordered and alcohol abuse behaviors into one dangerous package known popularly as ‘drunkorexia’ which lets them get drunk at night and still stay thin.

Some behavioral variations of drunkorexia include:

• Abstaining from food all day to compensate for the calories consumed in a binge drinking session at night

• Drinking alcohol and eating in binge quantities and then purging

• Using alcohol to suppress appetite

Health workers at eating disorder treatment programs say they’re seeing a rise in the number of young women admitted that have both an alcohol abuse problem and an eating disorder. At the Eating Disorder Center of Denver, doctors say that 75% of college aged women coming in for treatment also meet the criteria for alcohol abuse.

Drunkorexia

This disturbing co-occurrence doesn’t surprise Dr. Douglass Bunell, the past president of the National Easting Disorders Association, who says, “Both disorders are behaviors that are glorified and reinforced. Binge drinking is almost cool and hip, and losing weight and being thin is a cultural imperative for young women in America. Mixing both is not surprising, and it has reached a tipping point in terms of public awareness.”

Eating Disorder Triggers are Everywhere

Last night I met with one of my Sponsee’s at Alta Coffee in Newport Beach. She was telling me about a difficult visit from her mom. She found it triggering to stick to her meal plan and eat nutritiously while her mom barely ate and restricted her food. I can’t blame her, if the person who is supporting her treatment and recovery from her eating disorder displays Eating Disordered behavior why would she want to stick to her meal plan?

Unfortunately this one trigger is just one of the millions of triggers that lay ahead of my sponsee on here road to recovery. The facts are that we live in a very “Pro-Eating Disorder Society” where dieting, cutting carbs and over exercising is not only acceptable, but praised. So the question is “How does one maintain and grow away from their eating disorder when everyone around them is pushing them back towards it?

The answer I had for my sponsee was fairly simple, “You could very well toss out your meal plan and just go back to not eating. And if you did eat you could always purge it. There’s no one physically stopping you so why wouldn’t you do it? I’ll tell you why, because you know where the road of starvation takes you. Starving, binging and purging leaves you out of control without a job, a college drop-out, a victim of rape, depressed, angry and alone. The people around us who are active in their eating disorders are not happy people. They are terribly frightened that they aren’t good enough so they starve themselves to be good enough, but unfortunately it is never enough. If starving, binging and purging was the answer to happiness than there would be no rehabs or eating disordered therapist. No one who starves, restricts, binges and purges is a happy person. It’s your choice. You can participate in your eating disorder and compete with people in theirs or you can start taking care of your body and having integrity over it.”

There is a saying in the recovery world, “You can spot it, if you got it.” It means that you can see other peoples eating disorders because you yourself have an eating disorder. I am all too aware of peoples behavior around food and exercise and it does a lot of the time make me angry to see people active in an Eating Disorder. I see the anger as a good thing though, I’m not angry that I choose not to participate in their disease, I am angry that there is a disease controlling the people around me and they don’t know it. They don’t know how dangerous an eating disorder is. How small and lonely your life can become with it. When I think about that I then feel a bit of sympathy for the people struggling and still trying to figure it out. I say a little prayer that they’ll figure out soon that a size zero won’t guarantee you a husband, awesome friends or a six figure job and that I pray that I remember that too. Xoxo, Irvina

In my short 26 years of life I have found that the average Joe Shmo on the street thinks that “Eating Disordered thoughts” go a little something like this…

Eating Disorder Thoughts...

Girl looks in the mirror at her skeletal appearance; she thinks, “OMG, I’m so FAT”

Girl is offered a cookie, she thinks: “I can’t eat that…. I’ll gain 10 pounds.”

Girl looks at carrot sticks and dip: “If I eat 200 calories now I’ll have to run 200 laps on the track at school.”

And on it goes…what many people don’t know is that Eating Disordered thoughts go much, much deeper into a persons psyche than just body image. It attacks a persons character, intelligence, substance, worth, expectations and simple existence.

A day of Eating Disordered thoughts goes something like this…

- Girl doesn’t hear her alarm and is woken up by mother for school, mother says, “We’re running late. Please dress quickly.” Girl thinks, “I can’t believe I overslept! I am so lazy!”

- Girl raises her arm in class. Teacher calls on her for the answer, she gives half of the right answer. The teacher says, “Not quite, but good try.” The girl thinks, “I’m so stupid. Why do I raise my hand at all, ever?”

- Girl sees cute guy smile at her in the hallway, she thinks: “He was smiling at me because he feels sorry for me. No one would like me. I’m stupid, clumsy and fat.”

- Friends invite girl over to hangout at house after school, girl goes while there she thinks, “I am boring them. They are so disappointed that they asked me to come over. I should leave.” And on and on it goes.

At The Victorian we encourages our clients to “watch your thoughts”. They are encouraged to speak up and freely say, “I feel fat today.” Or “I fell like such an idiot.” From there we backtrack. Meaning we go back in time and see what it is that brought on that thought. A good 99% of the time it is usually fear of their unknown future, a conflict amongst clients, a conversation with mom or their interpretation of a strangers glance at them. What we find is that it is usually a fear outside of their body that bring on the scrutinization of their body. The client feels unable to control or manipulate the situation so the disease takes that fear and puts the focus on the body. Since “of course” the body is easier to change than someone else’s perceptions of you. In turn this makes “Watching your Eating Disorder thoughts” a very big job (and slightly exhausting if you ask me.) But, all together vital for recovery. It’s when a client is able to see that “I’m fat” really means, “I’m scared that you don’t like me” they are able to see themselves clearly for where they are.

Myself and one of our Support Staff members, Katelyn holds the “5 Policy” with our clients. If we hear our clients putting themselves down by saying, “I’m fat” or “I’m so stupid!” we have them name 5 things they love about themselves. It can be anything from their hair, their laugh or their personality, but they must immediately shut down the negative with 5 positive. *It’s pretty cute when we make our staff do it too! Everyone is held up to the “5 Policy”. The idea is to constantly remind clients that Eating Disordered Thoughts = Bad Thoughts and they are not allowed here at The Victorian or in their thoughts. I personally have my sponsees call me everyday before 1pm with 3 things they are grateful for and 3 things they love about their body. That way they start their day a step ahead of their disease. Some of the women have a hard time coming up with the 3 things they love about their body so if they don’t finish I just call them back later and give them their 3. The more we all recognize ED thoughts and call them out, we will get stronger and it will get smaller.

Have a great weekend!
xoxo,
Irvina

 The time that the patient is cancer free is called “remission”. However, all cancer patients have been told that the growth could come back at any time; it’s kind of the luck of the draw. Eating Disorders are very much like cancer in the way that someone with an Eating Disorder can go inpatient, have extensive therapy and eat healthy balanced meals for 365 days straight, but at any time the Eating Disorder behaviors could flare up and relapse could happen. Eating Disorder Behaviors can take over the body out of nowhere, just like cancer.

Eating Disorders are Like Cancer

The only way that it has been proven to keep women abstaining from their Eating Disorder behaviors is through weekly support groups like Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and ANAD. Just like a cancer patient who would weekly try to exercise, eat right and remove stress from their life an Eating Disordered woman in recovery has to not only exercise, eat right and remove stress, but she also must…

· Work with a Sponsor to keep her accountable


· Maintain a support group of women that she trusts and is close to, to lean on for guidance when she struggles with food or the stress of life.


· Be of service to a women who has less recovery than her so she can cultivate an attitude of empathy and altruism


· Attend weekly recovery meetings so she can share her stress and struggles


· Periodically visit a therapist to keep her honest with herself and focused on recovery

In my time in recovery and working in the Eating Disorder field I have met quite a few clients, parents and spouses who think that 90 days of intensive Eating Disorder in-patient treatment should do the trick. That all it takes is for their daughter or wife to just “learn how to eat” or “get that dark cloud away from her” and then she’ll be fine. I wish I could share with those loving family members how many women I see return to the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous and Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous after they had 5 or 10 years of recovery and just stopped participating in their recovery. They thought they could do it on their own and that they didn’t need to attend meeting or work with a sponsor to keep their behaviors in check. They were “cured.” Many, many, many women return to the rooms of OA and ABA in tears saying, “I thought it was gone.” “I thought I was cured.” “Why is it back?”

In all honesty, I was not a fan of the idea that I would need to make my recovery my top priority for the rest of my life. I said, “I don’t want some Sponsor telling me what to do and I have enough supportive friends, thank you very much.” But after a year of stomping my feet against the process I found that the people with the healthiest lives, with the smiles on their faces who actually liked themselves were the people who were dedicated to daily recovery.

Today, I know that my Eating Disorder if very much like cancer if not worse. I say that not to put cancer patients down in anyway, but just that I think in society if a cancer patient says, “My cancer came back” Most people think “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry.” Where when someone with an Eating Disorder relapses people tend to think, “Well what did YOU do wrong.” I know that there is a whole world out there of diets, detoxes, ads of under weight models; skinny celebrities and accepted eating disordered behaviors. I know that if I don’t keep my mind focused on recovery I can very easily be sucked back into a disease that will invade my whole body like cancer.

Recovery is a ton of work, but it is worth it to be Eating Disorder free and when we are Eating Disorder free we can help another woman struggling to join us as well.

Happy Recovery and Healing,

Irvina

Eating Disorder Guilt During the Holidays by Camille Packer McConnell

The below is a guest entry from an Camille Packer McConnell. Camille is an expert on recovering from eating disorders.

Those who struggle with overeating feel more vulnerable than usual during the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years festivities all center around friends, family, and food. With so many opportunities to overdo it, guilt is a common reaction. Anyone in recovery knows that guilt can be incredibly damaging, acting like a magnifying glass that exaggerates the negatives. Here is a strategy from my book, Stop Overeating Today! (available on Amazon), that teaches how to break free from the guilt cycle.
Take a Vacation from Your Guilt Trip

This tip applies best to all of you who battle regularly with overeating. You may feel that it is a battle you will never win and that you lack the willpower to change.

When I was recovering from my eating disorder, I found that beating myself up and feeling guilty was not an effective way to make a positive change.
Framing Setbacks in the Recovery Process


I remember one particular Thanksgiving. I was determined to stop eating before I felt full. I wanted to treat Thanksgiving like it was any other meal and not an excuse for overindulgence. As careful as I tried to be, I slipped and ended up eating too much.

At first, I felt very disappointed in myself. I had made so much progress in the former two months, only to “relapse” again. It felt like a defeat. As I sat there marinating in self-loathing, a light bulb went on over my head. I needed to stop feeling terrible and put things into perspective. Had I made a mistake? Yes. Did I regret it? Yes. Did I want to put myself through more self-loathing? No. Did my mistake determine my future? No. Could I move on? Yes. You get the idea.

It’s like I had taken the magnifying glass off of my mistake and was able to see it as a one-time event, not as a pattern of never-ending mistakes. I was able to look back at all of the progress I had made, the hard work I had done, and how far I had come. So what if I messed up once? I could call it a learning experience and move on. No need to hit myself over the head again and again.
Chronic guilt is not an effective way to grow and change. It keeps you focused on the problem. When the focus is on your weaknesses and mistakes, it keeps you from visualizing how you can change and what you can do to solve your problem.
Guilt is consuming and saps your energy. Moreover, it keeps you from remembering what strengths you do have and what progress you have made. Guilt keeps you stuck in a cycle of helplessness. Even if you have taken one step back, take two steps forward and acknowledge you are moving in the right direction.

- Camille Packer McConnell

Stop Overeating Today

When I was active in my Eating Disorder the word "medium" was just about as bad as calling me F-A-T. Crazy, I know. But, for me I was only okay if I wore a "small" shirt or was able to soothe myself with seeing a "LARGE" A+ on an essay…. I lived to hear people say, "you are the smallest girl I’ve ever seen" or you are the "BIGGEST help I've ever had." To me, medium stood for mediocre, good, but not great, nice, but definitely not the best. The voice of my Eating Disorder always told me, “If you can’t win, then don’t play.” That thinking works for a while, but for me I found as time went on it became impossible to be the smallest and LARGEST at everything. It started to hurt my relationships. When I saw another girl getting praised for her small body I would hate her for taking my spot. When someone else was given praise for their generosity at church or creativity at work I became jealous and distant from them.

Nevertheless I found that my quest to be the small or be the BEST at something didn’t come from a genuine place of me using say my writing skills, my compassion or my love for children…my quest to be small and the best was simply an avenue for me to quiet the voice of my Eating Disorder, because I thought, “When I am small enough and the BIGGEST success that voice that tells me I’m a piece of crap will finally go away.”

I started to see just how neurotic the voice of my ED was after a conversation I had with my friend Jessica who does not have an Eating Disorder. She asked me why I looked so sad and I told her, “I’m worried about my writing. I’m worried that I spend so much time everyday trying to perfect my craft and what if I never publish one of my books? What if I don’t ever make it on the New York Times Best Seller List? What if I never sell my work?” With a puzzled expression Jessica asked me, “Why are you trying to be the best? I mean I love to paint. I’ll paint until the day I die. I don’t care if my art never gets hung at the Louvre or if children don’t read about me in 100 years. I paint because I love it. I know you love writing, why don’t you just do it and stop worrying about other people reading it and just enjoy your art?” I was shocked by her words, “Just do it for the sake of doing it? Not be the best? Is she crazy? I HAVE TO BE THE BEST!”

But as time has gone on, as life in recovery has settled in I have discovered that I am actually a lot happier when I am not striving so hard to be the best or the smallest. I am more authentic in my writing, I’m not starving trying to be so tiny and I am not spread thin among projects trying to be Super Woman. I may not get as many compliments or all the praise that I was used to, but I guess I don’t need as much because I give it to myself, I don’t look for it from others.

Learning to live life like a “medium” is difficult. You have to give things a lot more thought, like, “Is it really healthy to stay up until 3am writing?” “Do I really need to knit 50 scarves for my friends and family for Christmas?” “Do I really need to only eat a latte for lunch?” I’ll admit it is uncomfortable at times to be a medium. American society focuses on the best and the shiniest. I may not always be the center of the focus and the praise, but I know that I don’t need to be in the center to matter and feel loved.

Love ya'all!

Irvina

The coolest thing happened to me this week I received an email from another woman in Overeaters Anonymous who is living outside the US, in an area where there are no OA meetings to attend. She reached out to me for support. What a rock star she is huh? We have been emailing a bit. The other day she asked me a great question, “What does your God look like and how did you find him/her/it?' I would love to hear about your Higher Power if you wouldn’t mind sharing!” I was taken back, by such a deep and profound question than many people new to Eating Disorder Treatment have. I wanted to take some time to think about it and share it with all of you too.

How did you find your higher power?

For me, my Higher Power is what I call “God.” I consider God the foundation for my recovery and my life. He’s like, I guess you would say, “The man of the house” (well, my house anyway.) I believe that I can’t change jobs, date this guy, not that guy, not eat dinner or eat a pint of ice cream and not return phone calls without consulting God, “The man of the house” first. I am an artist and by nature a very visual person. So I need to have a visual of what my God looks like and does, envisioning someone I share my life with and have to check in with works for me.

How did I find my Higher Power?
When I came into treatment for my eating disorder I did Step One of the 12 Steps which is “We admitted we were powerless over food and that our live had become unmanageable.” Which was completely true in my case, but you have to read my book for the details ;) My whole life including my food was one big terrifying mess and it was my management of my life that got me there. Doing Step1 helped me to do Step 2 which is, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Doing step 2 is a huge leap of faith for anyone. If you’re anything like me you tried to do everything in your power to stop your eating disorder yourself, you spent thousands of dollars on meds, doctors, dieticians and rehab, but when it came down to it the bridge between recovery and addiction was surrendering your life to God and BELIEVING that He could fix you. Sound a bit freaky? Yeah, I’m with you. It is freaky, but oddly…it works. Being humbled enough to say, “Show me a different way of thinking, being and living and show me how to do it.” Is a hard thing for someone with an addiction, but it also the most valuable tool needed to stop diseased behaviors.

What does it look like to have a Higher Power?
At first it’s very difficult to have a higher power. I found that I couldn’t do everything that I wanted, whenever I wanted and that was HARD! When I surrendered my whole life to God I surrender my meals, my time, my food, my faith, my friends, my family and my job to Him. My whole life is under His discretion. If I don’t want to eat a meal, I have to ask my Higher Power, “What should I do?” and my Higher Power usually says, “You need to nourish your body on a regular basis. Now lets go eat dinner.” If I’m dating a guy who I just feel awkward and stupid around, I ask God, “What do you think of him?” and God will say, “I think you deserve to be around someone who makes you shine.”God is the healthy and protective voice of self preservation that I wasn’t born with. He is a voice that I would be dead in a gutter without.

What is your Higher Power like?
My sponsor is a smart woman. She wanted to make sure I would be able to recognize Gods voice when He spoke, so she asked me to write and draw what my God is like. This is the God of my understating. My God….

1.) Thinks I am beautiful no matter what size I am.
2.) Never yells or gets angry with me. He is patient and kind to me.
3.) Thinks I am really funny and cute.
4.) Likes chocolate.
5.) Wears flip flops and kind of looks like a wise hippie.
6.) Is always really relaxed and calm and calms me down when I am overwhelmed.
7.) Wants me to marry a man who respects me and himself.
8.) Thinks I am smart and intelligent.
9.) Likes it when I help out other women suffering from Eating Disorders.
10.) Thinks all women are beautiful just the way they are.
11.) Listens to people share their stories and troubles.
12.) Stays in the moment.
13.) Wants me to use my talents for good.

For me, I wouldn’t have recovery if it wasn’t for my higher power. I do rely on a group of women when I feel anxious about food, I do consult a therapist when I am having trouble in life and I do journal and take care of myself, but none of that would be possible unless I had my higher power telling me to do those things. Before I was in recovery or had a Higher Power I did things according to my rules. It’s so much easier to follow God’s rules and live in God’s world. Because in God’s world, everyone is beautiful, everyone is smart and everyone is worthy of kindness and love no matter what their size. I prefer that world and that thinking over my own diseased thinking any day.

When family members bring their loved ones to treatment for substance abuse and eating disorder issues, the hopeful anticipation is that at discharge, they will be ‘fixed’. Despite the fact that my magic wand holds a special place in my office, it seldom works the way family members want it to. Healing from substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors is a complex and complicated endeavor and requires more than simply work on the sufferer’s behalf. From my perspective, healing is a family affair revolving around the building of open and honest lines of communication. Getting to this point can be challenging and oftentimes the clinician has to overcome significant defenses inherent within the family system.

The goal of family healing is to subvert any notion of blame. Rather the intention is to move from self-absorption or self- flagellation to a place without guilt and shame – a place of openness focused on utilizing the past only for self-discovery and growth. The creation of substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors usually develops from multiple factors rather than one single cause. There is no need to expend time and energy on examining these factors ad infinitum. Most important is to begin with a willingness to create the open, honest lines of communication towards the development of new behaviors and discovery; a willingness to listen and tackle those issues in a significant enough way that allow for listening closely to the sufferer’s story.

There are many contributing factors to the rise of substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors. We live in a world where the media barrage of diet fads and obsessive attention to body image is excessive to say the least. We live in a world where family structures are dissipating which in turn leaves adolescents vulnerable to define their own acceptable sense of self. We live in a world where perfectionism is a common denominator between those who are born to believe they are capable and those who are not. Most importantly there are many exemplifying factors to consider such as stress, depression, socioeconomic positioning, and the list continues.

The most significant factor of all is that the identified sufferer gleans a new perspective on life as do those in the family system who come to the witness the metamorphosis. Oftentimes the metamorphosis is their very own.

Global Eating Disorder

I have been here for the past two weeks and have been profoundly moved by the Indian women here in Tenali, a small region of India here in Andarha Pradesh. I came here on a mission trip with a group of people to serve the Harvest India orphans,  elderly, leapors and women rescued from sex trafficking. Considering that the empowerment of women is of great importance to me I asked quite a few questions about the women rescued from sex trafficking. I knew that this kind of traumatic experience would lead a woman to self harming behaviors like eating disorders. I asked around if these women were exhibiting eating disorder behaviors? The answer was an undoubted, "Yes". My next question was "Well, do they have therapist or support groups in the area?" The answer was a solemn, "No".

It has been explained to me that in the culture of India women are considered to be "worthless". As a whole the culture does not believe that women deserve dignity and respect, therefore when it comes down to trying to do therapy or counseling with these women the message doesn't translate into this culture. The way they see it, "If I am worthless why should I talk about my feelings? What purpose does it serve to say I deserve respect if I demand it and no one gives it?"

Thankfully there is research being done on how to translate this message of "self worth" to these women rescued out of sex trafficking. But, until this goal is accomplished, until these women understand that what has been done to them is undeserved I feel the darkness of this reality in a painful way. I guess I just remember getting therapy for my own Eating Disorder and thinking how foreign the concept was that I "deserved" to nourish my body. It makes me sick to think that the women I saw with beautiful smiles wearing colorful saree's and clutching small children won't grasp that concept for a very long time.

On the flip side, I have a tremendous amount of gratitude on the subject. If it wasn't for the compassion of women in recovery from Eating Disorders, violence, rape or sex trafficking who would care to help these women? I have always found it moving that without women willing to get recovery there would be no group of Overeaters Anonymous or Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. It is with each woman who goes into Eating Disorder Recovery that we give the gift of recovery to another woman. The world is a place of great tragedy and great beauty. I know that this year I am going to try my best to be apart of the beauty, the recovery and the healing, I hope you all do too. Happy New Year 2010!

Love,

Irvina