Thoughts...Music...Eating Disorders...how they connect

 “Change your thoughts and you will change your life.” That sounds like a very generous offer doesn’t it? I think so. Almost as generous as the size of a pyramid, which is never too far from a “Pyramid scheme” is it? I mean come on, so if I have cancer I can just think, “Healthy! Healthy! Healthy!” and my human tissue will instantly change? Probably not. Like you, I’m a skeptic and I’ve lived long enough on planet earth to know that when something is too good to be true, it’s usually because it most certainly is. But, after some trial and error I have found a morsel of truth in the power our thoughts have over our lives….

Our thoughts are the background music to a party. Everyone knows that a bad DJ will kill a great party. Likewise, bad thoughts can literally kill a good life. In between breakfast, school, work, movies and parties we listen to the background music. If this background music is positive, say U2, Sheryl Crow and The Jackson 5 most likely our interactions over breakfast, at school and at work will be positive. But, if they are negative, like Fiona Apple, Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails most likely we will have negative interactions. The same way music gives us a feeling in our bones we can’t describe; the thoughts in our head either put us at ease or make us a little jumpy.

This theory makes me both disappointed and hopeful. Disappointed in that it scares me to think of how many years I let ED be the “DJ of my mind”. I let him tell me how lousy he thought my body was, how stupid he thought I was, how insignificant I was, how much better the world would be if I was just gone…. I almost died from the Spin Master Lady Killer ED… that was until I got spun in to a much better, upbeat, upscale, classy, fun party called, “Recovery.”

In Eating Disorder recovery I have learned that I have many, many, many choices. That I don’t have to let Spin Master Lady Killer ED be the DJ of my thoughts. That actually I am the Rock Talkin’ Recovery Jockey of my thoughts. That I get to be still and ask God, “What songs/thoughts are the best to run through my head?” With God’s help I have the raddest play list that ever hit the Eating Disorder scene. It’s kind of like when you’ve experienced really bad music for a long annoying road trip and finally someone plays some tunes that put you into post-massage relaxation status… you just know you’ve found the real McCoy.

Today, in between sets of breakfast, school, work and friends I tell myself mantras over and over and over and over and over again… stuff like,

“I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m blessed. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m blessed.”

Sometimes if I start to hear ED play his emo-trash and play on my insecurities I’ll play,

“I’m not everything, I’m enough. I’m not everything, I’m enough.”

When things don’t turn out the way I want them to (which us controlling Eating Disorder girls experience often) I think,

“God’s plan is perfect. God’s plan is perfect. God’s plan is perfect.”

And when the eating disorder tells me that I’m not beautiful enough or thin enough, I again say, “I’m not everything. I’m enough.”

“I’m not everything, I’m enough.” Is actually the first melody I learned in Eating Disorder recovery. It’s meaning is quite profound.

If you look at the first part, “I’m not everything….” This means I can never be everything to everyone. Which means I can’t be everyone’s best friend and I can’t be everyone’s enemy either. I can’t be the smartest to everyone and I can’t be the dumbest to everyone. Physically it’s impossible, therefore it is true. I’m not everything.” This gives me some peace. It evens out the playing field that I have never really accurately understood. I have always thought it was a good thing to be many things, but it really isn’t. Because if everyone and everything liked me that would mean some shady characters would like me too and that’s not necessarily who or what I want to be either.

In the second part, “I’m enough.” Is where I learn that who I am exactly at this moment is actually enough to stand on two firm feet in the world. I have already established that I can’t be everything to everyone, but I can be me, abstinent, un-abstinent, sober, alcoholic, depressed or happy…. It doesn’t matter, because no matter what I do, I will always be enough because of the first word in this phrase, “I’m” the second part is defining the first, “Enough” and as long as  I am an “I’m” I will always be “enough” no matter what “I’m” looks like, sounds like or acts. That gives me so much peace.

 I hope you girls learn how to be your own "Mix Master Miss" upstairs in your head. Because you’re worth the good tunes. Life is too good for bad music!