February

I was introduced to Overeaters Anonymous by a therapist who believed that some of my behaviors might be conducive to looking into attending an OA meeting. In her words, “Ya know, just check it out. You might learn something. What’s an hour?” Amused by this ludicrous suggestion, I looked up the website www.oa.org and found a list of questions asking “Do you have issues with food?” Answering all but one of the questions with the answer with “yes” I figured stopping by a meeting for kicks would give me some great writing material.

Coincidentally I found a meeting only a few blocks from my house. It was held in a small church meeting room down the street. I was surprised by what a humble building it was and the fact that I had never noticed it before (funny what you miss while on a psychotic binge, racing to the grocery store.)  Being prejudice I expected to walk into a room full of middle aged, divorced, overweight, depressed women. You can only imagine the look of shock on my face when I discovered healthy, trendy, hip, cultured, girls, my age (if not younger than me) joking amongst themselves as if they had been best friends since the days of sipping Mott's Juice boxes. Their confidence and bouncing jauntiness pissed me off and triggered involuntary eye rolls. It seemed like I had entered the set of a Woody Allen movie just blocks from my house. Here I am this neurotic, depressed girl with an eating disorder who thinks she is the ONLY person in the world with this disease who is suddenly transported to a “password only” club house full of girls just like her. Except these girls hold the magic potion that will heal her of this disease. She scans each and every girl looking for a hint of the coveted pill box protruding from the pocket of one of the girl’s jeans.  

Then just as soon as she thinks she might have a lead on finding this magic pill box the sweet hussy of girls form a circle and start talking. Talking about the same ex-boy friend they all had, the one named, E.D. (This is when my pulse started to race and sweat started to drench the back of my tank top) they started talking about feelings! Good god! Yes, feelings! Sick right? They gave details in broad day light. Some said,

“I thought if I was just thin enough I would get the husband, suburban and job I always wanted.”

 While other girl bluntly said,

“I’m sorry, but there is just something in me that wants to be better than all of you in every way.”

 With each and every confession and revealing secret the girls in the room, nodded and laughed as if they were reminiscing on their childhood friendship by the sea. I found their serenity around these conversations to be increasingly uncomfortable.  I sat their squirming in my metal fold up chair, trying to shelter my ears from the grotesque authenticity that made my stomach turn. I think I would have been less uncomfortable if the girls trashed the feeling and emotions talk and instead took turns taking off all of their clothes and parading around the room talking about why they love their vaginas. Up until that morning in that shabby little church, I thought I was the ONLY person in the world who thought the things I thought, who did the things I did with food, who lied, cheated, stole and tried to cover it up with being perfect. I thought I was the only person who was angry, financially f’d up and yet still trying to so hard to act “fine.” To learn that my life, was not unique and that there actually was a solution to this madness sounded almost too good to be true. At that moment, had someone pulled my arm and pointed out a place in the sky where the clouds parted and you could see God and Santa Claus drinking latte’s and playing X-Box I probably would have believed them in that moment. Because what was in front of me was something I thought was completely impossible. As the meeting continued I thought I was either a.) in some bizarre dream or b.) my system of picking out bottles of wine from Trader Joe’s based on the art on the label was not serving my brain cells very well.

Today, almost 4 years later and having attended countless recovery meetings I am coming up on 3 years of eating disorder abstinence. I too have joined the ranks of a happy girl from a Cover Girl ad who laughs and jokes with her friends while meeting in another random recovery meeting place out in yonder. I now welcome the girls who come in sobbing with the same perplexed and angry look on their faces that I used to have. Part of me is relieved to have them there finally getting recovery and the other part of me is rather angry.  Angry that for some of them the at the age of 22, 30, 40 and yes even 50 years old women come in and say, “I had no idea this place existed.” In hindsight I wish I would have known about OA sooner. I wonder sometimes, is our anonymity getting in the way of people’s recovery?

Considering that question I looked up anonymity and why it is apart of our 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Tradition 12 states:

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principals before personalities.

I read the stance that the 12 Steps hold on anonymity. I found that in the past some people have used their recovery for their own personal gain. Others bring the organization under public controversy. The belief is that if the strength of the organization relies on its anonymity, that if they build the program on “attraction rather than promotion” the program will stay honest and true to it’s number one purpose, helping others recover from their addictions.

 However, our own preference to stay anonymous OA Members and eating disorder survivors is up to us. My personal stance is an uncomfortable one; I choose not to be anonymous. Though I was stunned, shocked and mortified by the stories of the women at the first OA Meeting I attended, I was also very relieved. Relived there was a place to go and get help and a group of woman who would support me. Recovery has given me so much more than I ever imagined when I first looked it up online. It’s my own personal mission to give others recovery too which for me means being authentic about my eating disorder on a very public level... When the subject of people with addictions, body image or diet come up amongst my friends and co-workers I make sure to educate them on what this disease is, what it looks like and yes, the healthy woman in front of them (myself) one day did suffer from this.

In the past I have worked at The Victorian as a support staff. Though, our website is quite serene and pleasant I will tell you that the clients of The Victorian are not. They are depressed, angry and lost women looking for a way out of their eating disorder. Besides my own eating disorder, there is nothing as painful as watching someone painfully go through their own. The clients of The Victorian are the reason I choose not to be an anonymous eating disorder survivor. I believe if I am brave, if I am strong and if I am honest about my eating disorder it will give someone else the opportunity to be brave, strong and honest about their own and maybe get help or (here’s a shocker) help someone else.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Colorful vegetable sautéed in butter, parsley and sea salt inspire me. Not only are they a source of Vitamin A and fiber, they are one of those inanimate objects that exist without objection. As long as there are farmers, harvesters and hungry families these colorful vegetable medleys will continue to appear on our dinner tables. But, what if one sunrise the carrots crept up from the dirt, grew some lips and vocal chords and said, “I don’t want to be apart of this vegetable medley any longer” and rolled right off the plate. It would throw off the color scheme a bit, wouldn’t it? I imagine too that there would be quite a bit of emotion from the peas, the cauliflower, the parsley, the salt and the butter. They might feel betrayed and raise questions, “Was I sitting too close?” “Was I too salty?”  

This visual might seem reaching to you or for you cartoon aficionados, it may seem like a dramatic season finale of Veggie Tales. For me, this scene is quite familiar. Not that vegetables play out theatrics in my head (not on Wednesdays anyways), but I have experienced the profound guilt and confusion that goes with putting some distance between oneself and their family during eating disorder recovery.

On the scoreboard of appearances my family is definitely a high profile competitor. My dad is a fascinating, brainiac, hysterical, witty and accomplished. My mom is the charitable Mother Teresa of the OC and in her off time, she acts as the best host on the coast. My 4 sisters range from classy suburban house wives from the wine country to a cultured, Grad School attending, San Francisco hipster. Our differences make for some pretty loud and memorable gatherings; full of opinions, humor and affection. On the flip side, these creatures I love dearly are human beings, meaning that just like me, they are imperfect, still learning and growing.

I have learned a ton in recovery and a great deal of that learning has been discovering myself. What my likes and dislikes are, my personality and preferences. Early in my recovery I slowly and hesitantly discovered that I am more different from my family than I originally thought. I found that the activities they enjoyed and the topics that they chose to discuss were not of interest to me and likewise. I found that in some relationships I didn’t feel there was a great deal of respect for me as an individual. I felt put down, small and uncomfortable in their presence. As I instigated distance from them I was confronted with quite a bit of questions and guilt. It was an incredibly uncomfortable process, but I survived. I survived to realize that though I was born into a family, I am an individual separate from them, free to choose where I spend my time and my energy. For me it was liberating to venture off on my own and meet people I could connect with, who did respect my boundaries and understood me. I found myself welcomed into other families and chose to spend some holidays away from my family. Years later I have a nucleus of people that love me, protect me and nurture me. People who know me and have my back come rain or shine. In essence, I have “another” family. Each year that I gather more recovery I am able to spend more time with my original family, not as much time as I did before recovery, but definitely more. I am still learning.

I find it quite fascinating that as human beings we never stop growing. For someone like myself who struggles with an eating disorder, my focus is geared towards accomplishing, conquering and winning. To know that as a human my growth will never be completed until the day of my death is quite humbling. It reminds me that there is no race, no contest, that we are all simply students trying to do our best with what we know so far. There are some things we must learn, such as talking, reading, writing, friendships and relationships. I think relationships are the trickiest thing to learn. Relationships are a balancing act, you have to give a little and take a little and strike a good balance or you’ll fall. It’s kind of like cooking for yourself. For instance I think  Martha Stewart’s recipes are too complicated and Rachel Ray may be cute and funny but her recipes are unhealthy. I have opted for looking online for good recipes I like. What I learned from my family is that there isn’t just one way to do something. There are many routes to creating a family and I have created and accepted my own as fitting for me. But, I know what I want. The question of the hour is what do YOU want for dinner?

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Whether it’s a sitcom, music or food, people love to love things and share them with others. It’s how we connect. If you need proof you can visit www.yelp.com for some very loving, opinionated, picky eaters. Some of our loves have become so deep that we have claimed February as the month of commemorating them. The first Saturday of the month the love of football and beer is honored with The Super Bowl. The love of each other and watching children transform shoeboxes into ‘mailboxes’ is celebrated on Valentine’s Day. Then there is the love of recovery, Eating Disorder Awareness Week. February 20^th – 26^th to be exact.

Maybe like me you're wondering, can you really call eating disorder recovery and awareness something people "love"? Love is a strong word. I didn't understand the passion behind awareness until I discovered the passion others have for promoting eating disorders. And people are passionate…

Exhibit A: Magazines

Exhibit B: Diet Pills

Exhibit C: Sexy Halloween Costumes

So now that you’re depressed and ready to move to a remote island in the Bahamas, I’d like to ask you to do one thing. Don’t. Don’t run away from this problem. Use the muscle you could use to pack and instead prevent the problem by bringing awareness to this issue. The whole idea of awareness is that we may be an awesome country of wealth and higher education, but the majority is pretty dumb on what eating disorders are, the sociological impact, what they look like, how to prevent them and how to stop them. The people who created those ads are just trying to make a living. It isn’t their fault that they aren’t educated. It’s actually our fault. If you have experienced an eating disorder, have a child with one or are simply someone that genuinely cares about how we value people on this earth than it’s your job to use the knowledge you have and share it with those who don’t.

But where do we start? I say, start by just TALKING.

• Share – Have you ever been in a conversation where a bunch of girls are talking about dieting or how unattractive they are? If you can hear within a 2 foot radius you most likely have. Here’s a thought, why don’t you share a little bit about your experience with an eating disorder? You don’t have to blow your whole dramatic story, but you could simply just say, “I personally don’t diet. I struggled many years with an eating disorder. I learned that diets don’t work or make me happy. I have spent so much of my life hating myself, I want to spend the rest of my life loving myself and making up for the time I lost” Then pause. Take a deep breath and be quiet. Most likely you’ll inspire others to question their own diets and motives. This has always turned into some great conversations for me.
• Drop- Maybe talking just isn’t your thing. How about dropping off fliers and information about eating disorder support groups in your local high school, college and doctors office. It’s amazing how many people go untreated because they are unaware of the services provided to them. Get some brochures here and go drop some recovery on your city.  

Once you mastered TALKING you can move into INVITING…

· Meetings – As a woman I hear a lot of gossip. Kind of goes with the lower organs I guess. I hear about young teens that are purging, co-workers who are binging and so on and so forth. A difficult, but powerful thing I have learned to do is to first of all stop the gossip by asking the women around me, “How can we help her?” They usually don’t know. I then suggest, “Maybe I could invite her to an eating disorder recovery meeting. What do you girls thing?" I admit it is difficult to approach someone about their eating disorder, but I wouldn’t have recovery if someone didn’t take the initiative to awkwardly suggest I go to a meeting myself.  Overeaters Anonymous has meetings all over the world. If you would like to take someone to one of these meetings I highly suggest them.

· Mentoring – Those of us that have recovery never would have been given it unless someone else took the time to teach us the tools of the trade. How to get abstinent from our eating disorder and how to stay abstinent. If you have recovery, consider mentoring girls younger than you. Talk to them about them about values, confidence and what being a woman is all about. Your experience is a lot more valuable than you probably give yourself credit for.

After you have the INVITING down you might have a ton of people who are amped on recovery and want to GATHER together for the same cause. Awesome! I would suggest that you all do one of the following:  

·Walk – The National Eating Disorder Association promotes fundraising walks to give people the opportunity to raise awareness and money for eating disorder prevention and research. If you would like to spread more awareness and recovery within your local community a walk is an awesome way to go! Find more details on planning a walk here.

·Video – For you creative aficionados out there. The National Eating Disorder Association is looking for a new Public Service Announcement created by cool, recovering peeps like you. What you do is create a PSA Video and submit it into a contest. If you win your PSA Video gets broadcast by NEDA across YouTube and you get a free trip to New York and are able to attend the NEDA fundraiser. Get your inner Spielberg out and start creating. Details here. But, please no E.T. looking, anorexic girls….so played out.

Whether you speak up about your own eating disorder or hit the streets with your video camera, I hope you do one thing within the next couple of weeks. Acknowledge your recovery. Think about where you have started and where you are now. Whether or not you have 20 years of recovery or 20 minutes, be AWARE that your life, your existence is not an accident. Thank you for choosing to use your existence for the cause of living, helping others and leaving this world a better place than it was before you got here.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina