June
Sub-archives
Jun 23, 2011
Boundaries, family and eating disorders
At the Victorian, eating disorders are often referenced as a ‘family disease’. Some wonder how can that be if only one person has disordered eating? The truth of the matter is eating disorders are a genetic disease that are triggered by environment, i.e. Family. Here we’ll explore how to have a healthy relationship with our family members and yet keep a boundary up that protects our recovery and individuality.
Honesty– Most families have a “theme”. A common denominator that keeps everyone together; sometimes it’s sports, dance, music, charity work, intelligence, success etc… What do you think happens when someone doesn’t align with the family theme? They are regarded as the ‘Black Sheep’ of the clan. The Black Sheep sometimes isn’t even a far cry from the family and at times, acts as if they are happy in the family while on the inside they are screaming to get out. In order to protect ones own identity everyone needs to be able to communicate their emotions honestly to their family members, such as, “Thank you for offering to pay for an entire year of dance classes for me, but I really want to focus on soccer.” Sometimes families don’t agree and they have every right to be honest with us, but they can’t be honest with us, unless we are first honest with them about what we truly want from life.
Relationships – Working at the Vic, you hear a lot of stories. I have yet to meet a client that wasn’t in some kind of co-dependent relationship with a mother, father, sibling or child. Co-Dependency is putting one’s own needs on the wayside to take care of another persons needs for approval and self esteem. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that love is sacrificing and though at times it is, a love that sacrifices one’s own desires the majority of the time is not the result of ‘love’ it’s the result of imbalance. A healthy relationships is one where each individual can voice their opinion and say, “I would love to help you with that project, but I have a lot of obligations right now and can’t. I’m sorry.” If that statement sounds bold to you, you might need to practice saying it over and over again because being able to confidently speak up for oneself is an essential part of life.
Time – I genuinely think that the people in my family are some of the most fascinating characters I have ever met. We can laugh and talk for days. However, that doesn’t mean just because we CAN we SHOULD. Though my family is stimulating and fun, so is a roller coaster. But, if you go on a roller coaster all day long you’re going to get pretty discombobulated. The same thing happens for me with my family. My family triggers me in ways that challenge me, but aren’t necessarily healthy to expose myself to for a 18 to 24 hour period. Therefore I set time limits on the time we spend together. I let them know in advance, “I’m stoked to celebrate Nana’s Birthday! I’ll see you at 1, but I have to head out at 5.”
I hope some of these verbal communication skills are helpful to you in setting up boundaries with your family. Remember that boundaries are AWESOME things! They are set in place to protect what is valuable, which in this case is YOU. You are a valuable individual that is entitled to have emotions, opinions and a voice to express who you were created to be!
Happy Recovery,
Irvina
Jun 16, 2011
Boundaries at work for those with eating disorders
For those of us with eating disorders we sway between extremes of perfectionism and carelessness. When it comes to the workplace these extremes can create very loose boundaries that can be harmful to our selves and others. Today we will be exploring boundaries in the work place for those with eating disorders.
Balance is a hard thing for a lot of us. For those of us with eating disorders it’s the thorn in our sides that sticks us in the most inopportune times. At work we either give it our all or don’t give it a glance. At the Victorian, we once had a client who got a recovery job working on the peninsula. Her boss asked her to clean an old pop corn machine. When he returned he found that rusty, gritty, grimy old popcorn machine was sparkling like it had just been taken out of the box. When her boss told her how impressed he was she responded, “Well, I’m an addict either it was going to look brand new or I wasn’t even going to touch it.”
This is funny, but so true for many of us with eating disorders; we either give it our all or give it nothing. A key element to this is finding out our motives behind what were doing. Lets explore:
Bosses – The awesome thing about life is it gives us opportunities to share what we have learned; how to be honest and kind while communicating our needs to others. Often times it is with bosses. Some of us have bosses who load us with work and keep us late and don’t compensate us for our time. Businesses are big, time is limited so it happens, but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s right. The trick here is to first assess the situation, asking ourselves “Is this moral? Is this right?” If it isn’t then we need to use our voice and ask our boss if we can sit down with them. Then we can say, “I love working for you and I love the challenging work, however I need to stick to the hours that I was hired under. I also need to be compensated for the hours I have worked and have not been paid for. I love this job, but I can not work for free. How do you feel about this?” This statement doesn’t attack anyone it simply states the facts and gives room for the employer to respond. It sounds a lot scarier than it is. This statement is also creating a boundary. It lets the employer know that you have self respect and it lets your employer respect you and your time also.
Co-workers – Some co-workers can become your best friends, some can smell like B.O. and spit when they talk. The world is like a spice rack…lots of flavor. It’s easy to get into a clique in a work environment. Some people grow closer than others which is natural, but gossiping about others is not. Gossiping taints an office environment for everyone. Even if you think you’re really sly at it, it does something to you. If you find yourself being invited into gossip you can:
a.) Say, “I hear you.” And change the subject.
b.) Say, “I hear you, but I don’t agree I think Shelly just has a lot going on at home right now. “
c.) Say nothing. This gets the message across very well. When someone sees that you are unwilling to engage with them they won’t come to you to gossip about others and voila you’re off the hook.
When you say and do the above things you are setting a clear boundary with your co-workers that you are your own person. You won’t agree for the sake of being liked because you like yourself enough not to say/do something that would hurt yourself or others.
Lunches – It can get busy in a work environment. People tend to skip lunches and breaks to keep up with their work. However, this is dangerous territory for someone with an eating disorder. In recovery we often say that the most important thing in our lives is “our recovery.” Meaning that when making little or big decisions in our day we ask ourselves, “what is the best choice to protect my recovery?” Sometimes we don’t like the answer we get. It can make us uncomfortable, but most things worth fighting for are uncomfortable. Therefore, when everyone in the office ignores the lunch hour and just keeps working it’s important to tell ourselves, “Going to lunch alone may be uncomfortable, but the discomfort of a returning eating disorder is much worse. Yes, people might judge me for going to lunch while they are staying in, but I know what I need to do to take care of myself. No one else will take care of me if I don’t.” Sometimes the healthiest thing to do for ourselves is to stay in check with the thoughts we create. If we don’t like the ones we are creating, make new and healthy ones and of course…eat lunch!
These are just a few ideas on how to set boundaries in the workplace when you have an eating disorder. Check back next week for more boundary tips from The Victorian of Newport Beach, California.
Happy Recovery,
Irvina
Jun 02, 2011
Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous Meeting @ The Victorian
The Victorian offers a free Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous support group meeting to the public. If you’re looking for information on eating disorders, support or are just curious please come and check it out!
The Victorian would like to invite you to attend our weekly Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meeting. Here is a little info about this fabulous meeting:
The Victorian would like to invite you to attend our weekly Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous meeting. Here is a little info about this fabulous meeting:
Who: Everyone who is looking for recovery, understanding or support is welcomed to attend. The clients of The Victorian house, alumni and staff attend this meeting and are happy to answer any questions you may have.
What: The first 20 minutes of the meeting is led by a speaker who shares their experience, strength and hope with their eating disorder. Or on some nights the first 20 minutes are spent reading from the book, Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. The next 40 minutes is used to allow everyone in the room to share their struggles.
When: Every Monday night from 7pm to 8pm.
Where: The Victorian is located at: 505 29th Street, Newport Beach, CA 92663. The meeting is held upstairs.
Why: Research has proven that to get eating disorder recovery and maintain it one must have a group of people supporting them along the way. Anorexic and Bulimic Anonymous Meetings are pivotal to the recovery of every abstinent person in recovery.
If you have any additional questions about this meeting please call Susie Bailey at (949) 254-9040
Happy Recovery!
Irvina
