There is something about dating the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your fancy) that makes all the hard work of eating disorder recovery slip right out of our hands. Dating make us revert back to pre-eating disorder recovery where we had no voice, no opinion, no boundaries, we were simply at the whim of others preferences. Who would want to go back to that?  And what is this mysterious power that potential companions have over us?

My theory is LOVE. Potential companions, suitors and dates have the one thing every person with an eating disorder is starving, binging and purging over, it’s love. Love encapsulates the same idea that if “I just get to the right weight…I will feel lovable” or “If I just make you like me….I will feel lovable.” However, more often than not being the right weight or finding the right guy only makes us feel lovable for a short period of time and then we’re back to square one. In fact it’s the process of working so hard to be the “right weight” that gets us into rehab. As well, it’s the behaviors that go along with “doing anything to make someone love me” that keeps us alone.

So what is the solution to these problems? They are boundaries. Kind of like a meal plan that keeps us physically healthy, boundaries in dating keep us emotionally healthy. Being a woman in recovery from an eating disorder, I have made my mistakes in dating…a lot of mistakes. Here are some of my personal favorite dating boundaries:

Reservations – Women with eating disorders like to get into relationships very fast. We divulge personal information, backgrounds, traumas and it’s not healthy. One reason it’s unhealthy is you don’t know this person yet; so take the time to get to know them. Tell them a little bit of information and see what they do with that. How they react. If they prove to be trustworthy give them more. Stay in check with yourself too, it’s an unhealthy sign when someone just spills their guts in front of a stranger. Think of it like making reservations at a restaurant; you call ahead and ask someone to save your seat, but you don’t have to go. You could always call and say, “I changed my mind.” Check this person out and if they aren’t what you want don’t be scared to cancel your reservations. It happens all the time.

Car Door – You know how guys open your car door for you? It’s a chivalrous thing to make sure that you get in safe. Girls with eating disorders have a hard time protecting themselves and making sure they’re safe. If you’re gonna be getting physical with someone make sure that you

1.)    Ask them if they’ve been tested (Note: If you’re too uncomfortable to have this conversation with the person, sex might be pretty uncomfortable too.)

2.)    Make sure you’re physically protected.

Dinner – For many of us food has held the our worth in its hands. If we don’t eat we’re lovable, if we do we’re not. This thought process easily transfers over to men. We think that if he says the right thing we’re lovable, if he doesn’t we’re not. This is dangerous territory for both people. The best boundary a girl with an eating disorder can put up in this scenario is an Emotional Boundary. A girl with an eating disorder needs to come to a place where she realizes that her worth is counted in much more than scales, calories, cute texts and dates. Her worth is in the fact that she was put on this earth for a beautiful purpose, that there is a God/ Higher Power that loves her beyond she could ever imagine and the love of that power is the only love that truly matters.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina 

Recently a friend of mine in recovery told me that she was sharing with a group of friends about the boundaries she had to make with her mother. The word “boundaries” was foreign to her friends and many asked, “What are boundaries?” My friend went on to explain, but her friends couldn’t wrap their minds around the concept saying, “Boundaries sound mean.”

This scenario got me thinking about when I first entered therapy. Psychology jargon like boundaries, co-dependency and narcissism were shocking to learn about. I had no idea that it was healthy to tell someone, “No” and not feel bad about it. For many of us in eating disorder recovery boundaries are terrifying to set up and equally to abide by. We think a boundary is someone else being mean or we are.  This thinking is simply a result of the information that has been filtered through our addict mind.

Boundaries are actually a really good thing. They allow us to protect ourselves emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. Over the next 4 weeks The Victorian Healing Blog is going to be discussing boundaries in

• Friendships
• Family
• Work
• Dating

We hope you join the conversation and learn something new to add to your eating disorder recovery.

We would like to kick off our series by first addressing what boundaries are and why they are an issue amongst those with eating disorders.

Boundaries are like drawing a line in the sand between oneself and others. A boundary many of us are familiar with is showing up to work on time. Many employers have the boundary that you must show up to work on time or there are consequences. The 1st time you are late you get a warning, the 2nd time you are written up and the 3^rd time you are terminated. This boundary is put in place between employer and employee so that the working environment is a healthy productive one. If this boundary wasn’t in place, employees might show up whenever they wanted, which would make for chaos and stress which might lead to the deterioration of the company.

The first element of a boundary starts with a human being having a healthy level of respect for their self. If you value something, you protect it right? Which is why we lock our cars and front doors. We value what we have and don’t want people taking what is ours. The same goes for our time, energy and emotions. We put boundaries in place so others don’t harm what is ours.

The problem for those in eating disorder recovery is that many have low self esteem and a lack of confidence in themselves which leads to not valuing oneself and then leads to poor boundaries which perpetuate the eating disorder behaviors.

Try and think of areas you may need to increase your boundaries. Journal about it and bring your questions here to The Victorian Healing Blog, we would be happy to talk about them with you. See you in a few days we discuss boundaries in friendships.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

I recently saw a news clip featuring Katie Couric talking about eating disorder awareness month. She said, “Anorexia and Bulimia affect over 10 million girls in the US and over 2 million boys.” She went on to give resources and tips on how to detect and prevent eating disorders. At the end of it I was grateful to see eating disorders getting publicity (especially by a noted newscaster like Couric), but I was annoyed that Binge Eating, Compulsive Overeating and Obesity didn’t make it on to her list of eating disorders. I find it quite troubling that many mistaken the word “Eating Disorder” to only associate with food deprivation and not consumption. The fact of the matter is that people who are obese have just as severe eating disorders as anorexics and need just as much treatment and support.

 Coincidentally when I researched the prevalence of eating disorders in Jamaica I was ironically presented with the following data: Anorexia has not been a major plague in Jamaica. According to an article published in the West Indian Medical Journal in 2002, the incidence of eating disorders in Jamaica was low. The survey, conducted by V.O. White and J.M. Gardner, covered the period dating from 1985 to 1998 and found that two cases of Anorexia Nervosa (AN) were treated at the University Hospital of the West Indies (UHWI) and 11 cases of AN and 11 cases of Bulimia Nervosa (BN) were presented to health professionals.

Did you catch that they are just talking about Anorexia and Bulimia. However, The Ministry of Health website for promotion of healthy lifestyle in Jamaica shows that Jamaicans are killing themselves with violence, sex and fat. The policy states "during the last 50 years the major causes of death and disability in Jamaica have changed from communicable and infectious diseases to chronic disease conditions. The problems are largely rooted in the lifestyle and show a dominance of chronic diseases, sexually related conditions, including HIV/AIDS and violence related injuries and death." Interesting findings considering those with eating disorders are known to indulge in sexually promiscuity, self harming behaviors and fatty foods when binging. Hmm….

Globally, there are more than 1 billion overweight adults, and at least 300 million of them are clinically obese. The Caribbean has some of the highest rates of obesity. In Jamaica, 52% of persons 15-74 yrs. old are overweight/obese. Women bear the greatest burden of this epidemic with 64.7% overweight/obese.

Yes, you read that right 64.7% of women in Jamaica are obese. When I I hear that I hear 64.7% of the women in Jamaica have eating disorders. Now, some might argue this statement with the evidence that people of African or Caribbean ethnicity are genetically pre-disposed to being larger on the scales. However, obesity and large are two different things. The consequences of obesity can be severe. If left untreated, an obese person is at pronounced risk of developing serious mental disorders, such as depression, personality disorders, or anxiety disorders as a direct consequence of their obesity. For many, obesity leads to chronic and often life-threatening eating disorders such as bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa. People who are obese are also at much greater risk of developing a variety of serious medical conditions including high blood pressure, stroke, high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, gallbladder disease, upper respiratory problems, arthritis, skin disorders, menstrual irregularities, ovarian abnormalities, and complications of pregnancy. Obesity is responsible for over 300,000 deaths each year in the US alone.

So to answer our original question, yes there are definitely eating disorders in Jamaica. In face 64% of the women there have an eating disorder called, Obesity. What can you do about this? You can TALK about this. You can bring this up to friends in discussions, you can blog, you can share this article on Facebook and Twitter, you can tell your doctor and therapist. The more our society knows realizes that eating disorders are not a disease of the white, the wealthy and the privileged the more and funding will go to research and stopping this disease from killing more people. People who didn’t ask for this disease but are silently suffering because no one knows how to help them. Today you have discovered how to help them, will you?

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

"We are not here merely to make a living, but to enrich the world with a finer spirit of hope and achievement - and we impoverish ourselves if we forget the errand."

- Woodrow Wilson

I visited India once with a humanitarian group called Harvest India. They are based in the city of Tenali in Southern India. With this group I met orphans, former prostitutes, lepers and AIDS patients. The women and men I met had been through more pain and terror than I could ever imagine (and I’ve been through a hellish eating disorder.) I wondered how they dealt with their pain? I thought back to my own pain that I managed with an eating disorder. I never woke up and decided, “Today I’m going to have an eating disorder.” It kind of just happened. I wondered if anyone in India experienced the same thing? I started to ask around. I spoke to some locals and found that some of the women who were rescued from prostitution were known to self mutilate and harm themselves. I also found some teenage boys who told me that girls in high school do diet and purge. And being “thin” is sought more so than being larger.

Bollywood actress, Anushka Shetty

On one hand I knew that the genetic element of eating disorders would not leave the culture untouched. On the other hand I was still quite surprised. The media in India still greatly favors voluptuous women. Curves are celebrated and seen as a sign of good health and wealth. Bollywood actress Anushka Shetty is one of the celebrated curvaceous goddesses of India.

But psychiatrists in urban areas of India are reporting cases of anorexia nervosa. Most people in India have still not heard of the condition but Delhi psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh says he has seen an explosion in anorexia cases over the past few years. Some do believe that the influence of western films and television in affluent areas has given today's Indian teenagers the idea that thin is beautiful. If women do succumb to pressure to be ultra thin and develop anorexia, says Dr Chugh, the public has little sympathy.

He says everyone is aware that hundreds of millions of people do not get enough food every day.

 "For them, a person who's starving herself to death must be stupid," he says.

But shame and ridicule will not make this disease disappear.

What it may stop is people reaching out for treatment.

Thankfully India is developing places for those suffering from eating disorders to go. The very first addiction rehabilitation clinic is called, Caim India and located in Bangalore.

Please share the information you learned today about eating disorders in India with others. Knowledge is the biggest tool we can use to prevent and stop eating disorders from spreading.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Do you know the story behind Airborne? It was created by an elementary school teacher. The teacher was tired of constantly catching colds from her students so she created a small disc the size of a quarter filled with Vitamin C and other vitamins that fizzled in water and was drinkable within seconds. It ended up preventing colds! Airborne was such a hit that the teacher ended up quitting her job to run the company. The funny thing is she would have never have come up with Airborne had she not been in the school environment where the common cold runs rampant. Having been a teacher myself I can attest to the misery of “First year Dues in teaching” where the teacher gets handed the coughs and colds of students. Colds are prevalent in schools due to students whose bodies are still growing the necessary immune system to fight the colds. They pass them back and forth to each other in this microcosm. It seems as if eating disorders in Israel operate in much of the same way. The Jewish culture there has many aspects to it that actually promotes eating disorders. Much like the students and teachers the Israeli people pass it from one generation to the next.

Currently, Israel has one of the highest eating disorder rates in the world. One study of ultra-Orthodox and Syrian Jewish communities in Brooklyn and found that 1 out of 19 girls was diagnosed with an eating disorder – a rate about 50 percent higher than the general U.S. population. Why is this? It is believed to be a combination of culture, perfectionism and family dynamics.

For starters Judaism has deep roots in food centered rituals around religion, family and culture. Families bond and traditions are held over holidays like Yom Kippur and Shabbat dinners. Indulging in food is encouraged and celebrated. However, many marriages in Israel are still arranged. Potential brides (and their mothers) are expected to be flawless in education, intellect, body and features. Requests for the girl’s transcripts, weight and mother’s weight (projecting what the potential bride might look like in the future) are requested by suitors prior to any courting period. The pressure for these numbers and stats to be perfect can be daunting on a young girl. Her family can be seen pressuring her to indeed not eat and drive herself to succeed in school in order to secure an elite marriage.

Having so many opportunities for fasting, rules around mixing dairy with meat, the lack of port and eating kosher makes an eating disorder hard to detect among Israeli girls. In Israeli women have been challenged by the dogmatic view of beauty narrowing toward Western features. A girl being told she “looks Jewish” for her predominant features in her nose and dark curly hair is often seen as a misfortune.

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, a clinical instructor in Harvard Medical School’s department of psychiatry did research on eating disorders in Israel identified a cluster of personality traits associated with eating disorders: sensitive, intelligent, eager to please, low risk taker, anxious, high drive for achievement.

Adair asks “How many Jewish people do you know who fit that bill?” she asks rhetorically. “A lot. Whether that’s nature or nurture, we don’t know. This is not just about a bunch of spoiled girls skipping lunch or throwing up in the bathroom. Eating disorders are a coping mechanism.”

Are Jews more prone to eating disorders because of their genetic code for success? The writer thinks, perhaps. Having grown up with a Jewish father I know that as a Jew there is not only pressure to be a person of broad intelligence, but to use that intelligence to change the world and be the best at what you choose to do. I can definitely see how this pressure coupled with the pressure of arranged marriage and the pressure around food can create the perfect storm for an eating disorder to sneak in on a Jewish teen.

However, there is always hope. Israel’s parliament endorsed a bill that aimed to keep underweight models out of commercials, prohibit modeling agencies and photographers from employing them, and ban the media and advertising agencies from airbrushing models to extremes. Israel is preventing eating disorders by trying to change how the people in their country classify as beauty. The people in Israel may be prone to eating disorders, but there is always HOPE. All of us can do something to help. By that way, what are you doing to prevent eating disorders today?

In the past decade eating disorders in Japan have been on the rise. The notice started between 1988 and 1992, when the number of identified cases of anorexia and bulimia increased by four times.  (Nadaoka et al. 1996). Though the behaviors of eating disorders in the East and the West are similar including starving, binging and purging the causes for the behaviors are quite different. Western causes are typically rooted in the tension resulting from the striving for achievement and career. To be a successful woman in the West is to be noted as a powerful, thin and beautiful. However, in the East a successful woman is one who is a manicured, doting, wife and mother. The pressure to fit into this cookie cutter mold of a wife and mother is the predicted root of eating disorders in Japan.

As a nation Japan has historically valued the work of wives and mothers to be the primary nurtures of children and to maintain the domestic needs of a house hold. Making marriage and mother hood the primary avenue for women’s economic stability and social participation.

Researchers believe that in the West women “fear fatness” because being fat jeopardizes their ability to succeed. Where women in the east don’t fear being fat, they “fear a loss of control” of themselves. Because they are expected to take on a roll of a mother or wife, when they are presumably not ready for the responsibility, they try to regress to be small and child like. This is where the eating disorder steps in.

It is also believed that the eating disorder is triggered by Japan’s approach to the transition from girl hood to woman hood. The approach being there isn’t one. Japan is known for its idyllic graphic images of characters created in comic strip anime and toys from Hello Kitty. All infantile and innocent creatures that are lovable heroines. Take these images consumed by a teenage Japanese girl and parallel them with her mandatory home-ec classes in high school where they are taught the appropriate etiquette on being a good wife including, cleaning, cooking, decorating, sewing and raising children.

The issue Japanese women are wrestling with seems to be the time to grow between their “innocence” (and dependency) and into their role in marriage eventually coupled with motherhood. The problem is that we know from psychology that when a person has not self –actualized and instead take on the roles that they believe as expected of them they walk through life angry, self-destructive and prone to depression and eating disorders.

So what is the solution? Some might think feminisim. I would say not. I believe the solution is for the Japanese culture to be a tad more laid back on the way women are presented with their "role" of being a wife and mother. Maybe if there was less pressure to fulfill these roles women would 1.) Appreciate them more when they do so choose to fulfill them 2.) Women might go out an explore who they are outside of who they are expected to be.

My personal belief is that no two people are alike and that's an awesome thing. Women need to be encouraged to explore, create and find the people they were put on earth to be. I would encourage women to find themselves during their adolesence and 20's and return home with what they have discovered and be embraced.

To sum up the differences between the West and the East, Western eating disorders form out of the concept associated with thinness providing power and control that will, in turn, convey happiness. The Japanese pursuit of thinness is more reminiscent of eating disorders as a strategy for delaying maturation and responsibilities.  

If you enjoyed this post today from The Victorian Eating Disorder Recovery Blog I ask that you share it with your friends and family. The more education we provide to people on what eating disorders are, how they manifest and what they look like we will make this topic less taboo and prevent this disease from taking down another generation of women.  

A special thanks to Kathleen M. Pike and Amy Borovoy of Princeton University for their studies on eating disorders in Japan. Their thesis was referenced for this article. As well, a big thank you to The Victorian of Newport Beach for sponsoring this blog and providing recovery 365 days of the year.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Image by Studio Jones www.etsy.com

 A few years back I read a study done on two separate sets of boys. Group One was being raised by a single mother. Group Two had both parents raising them and present in the home, but in this group the father was absent due to work and travel commitments. The study found that the boys in Group 2 ended up under performing at school, abusing alcohol and drugs and were far less socially and psychologically developed than the group of boys with a single mother. Why? Well according to the study the boys in the second group felt more rejection from the father that was present, but absent. The boys without a father had no expectations of a father and therefore were less angry and hostile people. 

Over the past few years many studies have been published finding that the role of a father in a child’s life is much more powerful than that of a mother. Surprising, that since the beginning of civilization child care has been assigned to women and hunting to men. It seems as if Adam and Eve made more mistakes than one eh? But, who can blame them? Naturally one would assume that the sensitivity of a woman would make her a better care taker and a man’s ability to chop down a tree would make him a better provider. However, if we take a step back and look at what makes a well rounded, responsible human being it is undoubtedly discipline and strength. Masculine traits.

These kind of studies make me reflect on the character of my own father and how his strengths and weaknesses affected my own development and eating disorder . My dad’s strengths were that he is incredibly intelligent and challenged me. As a child, he constantly bought me books above my reading level, took me to museums and gallery’s and challenged my opinions with entertaining and witty debate. He was very aware of global events and had images of starving children in Africa from TIME magazine framed and put in the dining room of our home, in his chicken scratch writing he inscribed, “For all of us to see.” My dad was a confident, charismatic man. He taught me how to invite the homeless to have a 3 hour lunch with us, to never pass a blind person without helping them across the street and to never pass a beggar without giving them a couple of bucks. My dad is a good man.

However, somehow I ended up creating so much trouble on the school bus in Junior High that I was suspended from riding the bus for 3 months. I started drinking alcohol when I was 14. Skipping classes when I was 16, jumping out of moving vehicles as practical jokes and much more theatrics that I’ll save for my book, but you get the idea. I remember having an insatiable need to please others. To make them laugh. Somehow making people laugh turned into an eating disorder. Ironically, jumping  between anorexia and compulsive overeating can be exhausting and left little room for laughter.

So what happened to me? My father was present, but what was I missing? According to the following studies being present is one thing, but young girls need a lot more than just presence from their fathers:   

Affection:

One study shows that adolescent daughters' self-esteem is best predicted by fathers' physical affection. - Western Connecticut State University.

Housework:  

Recent research from UC Riverside shows that when fathers do housework with their children, their kids turn out to be better adjusted and more socially aware.  - University of California Riverside

Intimacy:

Since men in our society are "encouraged to achieve but not to feel" fathering is often a difficult task for men, especially with their daughters because the relationship requires "more intimacy then most men can handle" - Vanderbilt University

Freedom:

Overall, fathers of daughters with eating disorders emerged as a complex mixture of frequently distant, sometimes punitive, but also overprotective parents.  - Eating Disorder Review

Genetics

Some people do not have much of a choice when it comes to eating disorders, because genetics play a big part. - Mental Health Matters

I have my own theories on things my father did and did not do that led to my eating disorder. However, I sway greatly to the side that eating disorders are genetic, much like alcoholism and drug abuse. Yes, environment and parenting can trigger the disease, but I don’t blame my dad for this disease.  I think my dad (and most dad’s for that matter) do their best when it comes to parenting. I think we can all agree with Oprah’s statement that, “Parenting is like owning an ocean.” For that reason, Oprah said that she chose not to be a parent. Bravo on the self awareness Oprah, bravo. But, I ask is anyone ever ready to own a ocean? I don’t think so. But, if you gave me an ocean, I would definitely do my best to protect and care for it, I couldn’t promise that everything would turn out safe, sound and healthy, but I promise I would do my best to love it and care for it. I think that’s all we can ask of parents; just love and care.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

I was introduced to Overeaters Anonymous by a therapist who believed that some of my behaviors might be conducive to looking into attending an OA meeting. In her words, “Ya know, just check it out. You might learn something. What’s an hour?” Amused by this ludicrous suggestion, I looked up the website www.oa.org and found a list of questions asking “Do you have issues with food?” Answering all but one of the questions with the answer with “yes” I figured stopping by a meeting for kicks would give me some great writing material.

Coincidentally I found a meeting only a few blocks from my house. It was held in a small church meeting room down the street. I was surprised by what a humble building it was and the fact that I had never noticed it before (funny what you miss while on a psychotic binge, racing to the grocery store.)  Being prejudice I expected to walk into a room full of middle aged, divorced, overweight, depressed women. You can only imagine the look of shock on my face when I discovered healthy, trendy, hip, cultured, girls, my age (if not younger than me) joking amongst themselves as if they had been best friends since the days of sipping Mott's Juice boxes. Their confidence and bouncing jauntiness pissed me off and triggered involuntary eye rolls. It seemed like I had entered the set of a Woody Allen movie just blocks from my house. Here I am this neurotic, depressed girl with an eating disorder who thinks she is the ONLY person in the world with this disease who is suddenly transported to a “password only” club house full of girls just like her. Except these girls hold the magic potion that will heal her of this disease. She scans each and every girl looking for a hint of the coveted pill box protruding from the pocket of one of the girl’s jeans.  

Then just as soon as she thinks she might have a lead on finding this magic pill box the sweet hussy of girls form a circle and start talking. Talking about the same ex-boy friend they all had, the one named, E.D. (This is when my pulse started to race and sweat started to drench the back of my tank top) they started talking about feelings! Good god! Yes, feelings! Sick right? They gave details in broad day light. Some said,

“I thought if I was just thin enough I would get the husband, suburban and job I always wanted.”

 While other girl bluntly said,

“I’m sorry, but there is just something in me that wants to be better than all of you in every way.”

 With each and every confession and revealing secret the girls in the room, nodded and laughed as if they were reminiscing on their childhood friendship by the sea. I found their serenity around these conversations to be increasingly uncomfortable.  I sat their squirming in my metal fold up chair, trying to shelter my ears from the grotesque authenticity that made my stomach turn. I think I would have been less uncomfortable if the girls trashed the feeling and emotions talk and instead took turns taking off all of their clothes and parading around the room talking about why they love their vaginas. Up until that morning in that shabby little church, I thought I was the ONLY person in the world who thought the things I thought, who did the things I did with food, who lied, cheated, stole and tried to cover it up with being perfect. I thought I was the only person who was angry, financially f’d up and yet still trying to so hard to act “fine.” To learn that my life, was not unique and that there actually was a solution to this madness sounded almost too good to be true. At that moment, had someone pulled my arm and pointed out a place in the sky where the clouds parted and you could see God and Santa Claus drinking latte’s and playing X-Box I probably would have believed them in that moment. Because what was in front of me was something I thought was completely impossible. As the meeting continued I thought I was either a.) in some bizarre dream or b.) my system of picking out bottles of wine from Trader Joe’s based on the art on the label was not serving my brain cells very well.

Today, almost 4 years later and having attended countless recovery meetings I am coming up on 3 years of eating disorder abstinence. I too have joined the ranks of a happy girl from a Cover Girl ad who laughs and jokes with her friends while meeting in another random recovery meeting place out in yonder. I now welcome the girls who come in sobbing with the same perplexed and angry look on their faces that I used to have. Part of me is relieved to have them there finally getting recovery and the other part of me is rather angry.  Angry that for some of them the at the age of 22, 30, 40 and yes even 50 years old women come in and say, “I had no idea this place existed.” In hindsight I wish I would have known about OA sooner. I wonder sometimes, is our anonymity getting in the way of people’s recovery?

Considering that question I looked up anonymity and why it is apart of our 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Tradition 12 states:

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principals before personalities.

I read the stance that the 12 Steps hold on anonymity. I found that in the past some people have used their recovery for their own personal gain. Others bring the organization under public controversy. The belief is that if the strength of the organization relies on its anonymity, that if they build the program on “attraction rather than promotion” the program will stay honest and true to it’s number one purpose, helping others recover from their addictions.

 However, our own preference to stay anonymous OA Members and eating disorder survivors is up to us. My personal stance is an uncomfortable one; I choose not to be anonymous. Though I was stunned, shocked and mortified by the stories of the women at the first OA Meeting I attended, I was also very relieved. Relived there was a place to go and get help and a group of woman who would support me. Recovery has given me so much more than I ever imagined when I first looked it up online. It’s my own personal mission to give others recovery too which for me means being authentic about my eating disorder on a very public level... When the subject of people with addictions, body image or diet come up amongst my friends and co-workers I make sure to educate them on what this disease is, what it looks like and yes, the healthy woman in front of them (myself) one day did suffer from this.

In the past I have worked at The Victorian as a support staff. Though, our website is quite serene and pleasant I will tell you that the clients of The Victorian are not. They are depressed, angry and lost women looking for a way out of their eating disorder. Besides my own eating disorder, there is nothing as painful as watching someone painfully go through their own. The clients of The Victorian are the reason I choose not to be an anonymous eating disorder survivor. I believe if I am brave, if I am strong and if I am honest about my eating disorder it will give someone else the opportunity to be brave, strong and honest about their own and maybe get help or (here’s a shocker) help someone else.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Colorful vegetable sautéed in butter, parsley and sea salt inspire me. Not only are they a source of Vitamin A and fiber, they are one of those inanimate objects that exist without objection. As long as there are farmers, harvesters and hungry families these colorful vegetable medleys will continue to appear on our dinner tables. But, what if one sunrise the carrots crept up from the dirt, grew some lips and vocal chords and said, “I don’t want to be apart of this vegetable medley any longer” and rolled right off the plate. It would throw off the color scheme a bit, wouldn’t it? I imagine too that there would be quite a bit of emotion from the peas, the cauliflower, the parsley, the salt and the butter. They might feel betrayed and raise questions, “Was I sitting too close?” “Was I too salty?”  

This visual might seem reaching to you or for you cartoon aficionados, it may seem like a dramatic season finale of Veggie Tales. For me, this scene is quite familiar. Not that vegetables play out theatrics in my head (not on Wednesdays anyways), but I have experienced the profound guilt and confusion that goes with putting some distance between oneself and their family during eating disorder recovery.

On the scoreboard of appearances my family is definitely a high profile competitor. My dad is a fascinating, brainiac, hysterical, witty and accomplished. My mom is the charitable Mother Teresa of the OC and in her off time, she acts as the best host on the coast. My 4 sisters range from classy suburban house wives from the wine country to a cultured, Grad School attending, San Francisco hipster. Our differences make for some pretty loud and memorable gatherings; full of opinions, humor and affection. On the flip side, these creatures I love dearly are human beings, meaning that just like me, they are imperfect, still learning and growing.

I have learned a ton in recovery and a great deal of that learning has been discovering myself. What my likes and dislikes are, my personality and preferences. Early in my recovery I slowly and hesitantly discovered that I am more different from my family than I originally thought. I found that the activities they enjoyed and the topics that they chose to discuss were not of interest to me and likewise. I found that in some relationships I didn’t feel there was a great deal of respect for me as an individual. I felt put down, small and uncomfortable in their presence. As I instigated distance from them I was confronted with quite a bit of questions and guilt. It was an incredibly uncomfortable process, but I survived. I survived to realize that though I was born into a family, I am an individual separate from them, free to choose where I spend my time and my energy. For me it was liberating to venture off on my own and meet people I could connect with, who did respect my boundaries and understood me. I found myself welcomed into other families and chose to spend some holidays away from my family. Years later I have a nucleus of people that love me, protect me and nurture me. People who know me and have my back come rain or shine. In essence, I have “another” family. Each year that I gather more recovery I am able to spend more time with my original family, not as much time as I did before recovery, but definitely more. I am still learning.

I find it quite fascinating that as human beings we never stop growing. For someone like myself who struggles with an eating disorder, my focus is geared towards accomplishing, conquering and winning. To know that as a human my growth will never be completed until the day of my death is quite humbling. It reminds me that there is no race, no contest, that we are all simply students trying to do our best with what we know so far. There are some things we must learn, such as talking, reading, writing, friendships and relationships. I think relationships are the trickiest thing to learn. Relationships are a balancing act, you have to give a little and take a little and strike a good balance or you’ll fall. It’s kind of like cooking for yourself. For instance I think  Martha Stewart’s recipes are too complicated and Rachel Ray may be cute and funny but her recipes are unhealthy. I have opted for looking online for good recipes I like. What I learned from my family is that there isn’t just one way to do something. There are many routes to creating a family and I have created and accepted my own as fitting for me. But, I know what I want. The question of the hour is what do YOU want for dinner?

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Whether it’s a sitcom, music or food, people love to love things and share them with others. It’s how we connect. If you need proof you can visit www.yelp.com for some very loving, opinionated, picky eaters. Some of our loves have become so deep that we have claimed February as the month of commemorating them. The first Saturday of the month the love of football and beer is honored with The Super Bowl. The love of each other and watching children transform shoeboxes into ‘mailboxes’ is celebrated on Valentine’s Day. Then there is the love of recovery, Eating Disorder Awareness Week. February 20^th – 26^th to be exact.

Maybe like me you're wondering, can you really call eating disorder recovery and awareness something people "love"? Love is a strong word. I didn't understand the passion behind awareness until I discovered the passion others have for promoting eating disorders. And people are passionate…

Exhibit A: Magazines

Exhibit B: Diet Pills

Exhibit C: Sexy Halloween Costumes

So now that you’re depressed and ready to move to a remote island in the Bahamas, I’d like to ask you to do one thing. Don’t. Don’t run away from this problem. Use the muscle you could use to pack and instead prevent the problem by bringing awareness to this issue. The whole idea of awareness is that we may be an awesome country of wealth and higher education, but the majority is pretty dumb on what eating disorders are, the sociological impact, what they look like, how to prevent them and how to stop them. The people who created those ads are just trying to make a living. It isn’t their fault that they aren’t educated. It’s actually our fault. If you have experienced an eating disorder, have a child with one or are simply someone that genuinely cares about how we value people on this earth than it’s your job to use the knowledge you have and share it with those who don’t.

But where do we start? I say, start by just TALKING.

• Share – Have you ever been in a conversation where a bunch of girls are talking about dieting or how unattractive they are? If you can hear within a 2 foot radius you most likely have. Here’s a thought, why don’t you share a little bit about your experience with an eating disorder? You don’t have to blow your whole dramatic story, but you could simply just say, “I personally don’t diet. I struggled many years with an eating disorder. I learned that diets don’t work or make me happy. I have spent so much of my life hating myself, I want to spend the rest of my life loving myself and making up for the time I lost” Then pause. Take a deep breath and be quiet. Most likely you’ll inspire others to question their own diets and motives. This has always turned into some great conversations for me.
• Drop- Maybe talking just isn’t your thing. How about dropping off fliers and information about eating disorder support groups in your local high school, college and doctors office. It’s amazing how many people go untreated because they are unaware of the services provided to them. Get some brochures here and go drop some recovery on your city.  

Once you mastered TALKING you can move into INVITING…

· Meetings – As a woman I hear a lot of gossip. Kind of goes with the lower organs I guess. I hear about young teens that are purging, co-workers who are binging and so on and so forth. A difficult, but powerful thing I have learned to do is to first of all stop the gossip by asking the women around me, “How can we help her?” They usually don’t know. I then suggest, “Maybe I could invite her to an eating disorder recovery meeting. What do you girls thing?" I admit it is difficult to approach someone about their eating disorder, but I wouldn’t have recovery if someone didn’t take the initiative to awkwardly suggest I go to a meeting myself.  Overeaters Anonymous has meetings all over the world. If you would like to take someone to one of these meetings I highly suggest them.

· Mentoring – Those of us that have recovery never would have been given it unless someone else took the time to teach us the tools of the trade. How to get abstinent from our eating disorder and how to stay abstinent. If you have recovery, consider mentoring girls younger than you. Talk to them about them about values, confidence and what being a woman is all about. Your experience is a lot more valuable than you probably give yourself credit for.

After you have the INVITING down you might have a ton of people who are amped on recovery and want to GATHER together for the same cause. Awesome! I would suggest that you all do one of the following:  

·Walk – The National Eating Disorder Association promotes fundraising walks to give people the opportunity to raise awareness and money for eating disorder prevention and research. If you would like to spread more awareness and recovery within your local community a walk is an awesome way to go! Find more details on planning a walk here.

·Video – For you creative aficionados out there. The National Eating Disorder Association is looking for a new Public Service Announcement created by cool, recovering peeps like you. What you do is create a PSA Video and submit it into a contest. If you win your PSA Video gets broadcast by NEDA across YouTube and you get a free trip to New York and are able to attend the NEDA fundraiser. Get your inner Spielberg out and start creating. Details here. But, please no E.T. looking, anorexic girls….so played out.

Whether you speak up about your own eating disorder or hit the streets with your video camera, I hope you do one thing within the next couple of weeks. Acknowledge your recovery. Think about where you have started and where you are now. Whether or not you have 20 years of recovery or 20 minutes, be AWARE that your life, your existence is not an accident. Thank you for choosing to use your existence for the cause of living, helping others and leaving this world a better place than it was before you got here.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Getting abstinent from an eating disorder is like traveling to hell and back, looking Satan straight in his fiery eyes and spitting in his face. Wrestling him until he tires and living to tell the story behind the scars he left above your left eye.

It’s the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life (and this home girl has ‘done’ a lot. I’ve lived in Los Angeles and worked at a news station. Blood and botox, rooooooooooooooound the clock. Need I say more?)  The recovery experience is physical, emotional and spiritual. There are painful, physical withdrawals from stopping the eating disorder behaviors; similar to drug withdrawals. There is the rollercoaster of fears from losing control of life and body. There is the incomprehensible surrender of one’s self, choices, body and food to a fictitious ‘Higher Power” that lives in your head (most of us cross our fingers that this higher power is in agreement that ‘thin is in’ or ‘I am out.’)

I’m one of the lucky one’s. I’m part of the 80% of people who survive an eating disorder (source.) Oddly, in the recovery process I never heard anyone talk about the surviving part of an eating disorder. I would imagine we could compare it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You’ve lived through this traumatizing experience, you stop the behaviors and just for a moment you catch your breath and you start to believe that you just might survive. It’s almost like a scene in a bad horror film; the scene where the innocent girl thinks everything is okay so she peaks her head out of the closet. She waits a few moments, they tick by and she’s quite sure the killer is gone. She puts one foot out, but the second she fully steps out from her dark cave of protection, he’s there! He’s holding flowers and in a crisp new collared shirt! Good God! He’s her date! Run girl! Run!

For those of us in recovery, dating is gnarly. Maybe it’s gnarly for every woman, but from the evidence of my own experience and those of my friends in recovery, I’m gonna say that our breed of monkey’s got the brown banana in the bunch. Owning that ‘brown banana’ I have to remember that my brain, body and emotions do not function the way other women’s do. Which is probably why I have experienced an eating disorder, life is just too scary for me, and an eating disorder makes things much easier to cope with. I needed to find something that would help me cope with the mirage of feelings we are all given in the goodie bag that life hands us in the delivery room. My eating disorder was really good at numbing feelings of insecurity, fear, abandonment and pain. While I was in it I never had to open up that goodie bag and experience real feelings. I was fast asleep from a sugar coma. Convenient eh?

But, why don’t little kids ever want to take a nap? Because they may be small, but they’re smart! They have figured out that when you sleep you miss something fun that happens. When I was in my disease I was missing out on a lot of experiences and relationships. Now that I do date I experience all the feelings that go with it; they are incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like going back in that sugar coma and saying, “Don’t mind me! I’ll miss out!” However, I have to ask myself, “If I’m not willing to experience the painful aspects of dating and life, exactly what am I doing here?” It reminds me of the old saying, “The purpose of life is to live it.”

Dating is apart of life and if we want to be apart of it, we will participate in it. I encourage all of you girls (myself included) to look at dating as an opportunity to participate in life. I think if I’m really honest with myself, the thing that makes me the most nervous about dating is that I’m doing it for validation. I do it simply for an ego stroke. Seriously, I have found myself dating guys I don’t even like (and actually find annoying) just for the narcissistic pleasure of knowing someone likes me.  If they don’t end up liking me? Come hell and high water full of tears you will probably see me in a hot mess crying about it. Not good. I’ve learned a couple things from my mistakes.

#1. Dating is not about making anyone like you. It’s really like reading a book. You don’t read a book to make the book like you. You read it to enjoy it and learn something new. If you approach dating like reading, in order to find out something new about the human being in front of you, you’ll have less melt downs than I ever did.

#2. You have to know your own worth and value. If I was to put my worth and value in anyone else’s hands but my own I would definitely be scared and terrified. What we learn in recovery is not to put our worth in our eating disorders hands. We know that our worth and value encompass so much more than the size of our jeans. I think the goal for every woman should be an unshakable belief that no matter who likes or dislikes her she is still the same, strong, beautiful woman she was before she met this guy.

#3. Participating in life is an uncomfortable, wet, hot, sticky mess…and a whole lot of fun. I’ve learned that dating can be scary if I let it be, it can also be fun if I let it be. I think most of the time, I take life too seriously. Life is hard man; you lose friends, family, jobs, pets and really expensive cell phones. You’ll succeed, you’ll fail, you’ll laugh and you’ll cry so hard that you’ll be pretty sure you just might give yourself a heart attack. But, ya know what? It’s worth it. It’s so worth it! I remember being at a 4^th of July Party a few years back. I was standing on the balcony, laughing with friends when it occurred to me that exactly one year ago I wanted to kill myself. Not joking. I remember being startled with the realization that had I given up and decided "Game over", I would not be experiencing the joy I was sharing with the people I dearly loved.

Participate and en-JOY it!

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

The growth process is a tricky, icky, sticky one. I’ve been around for 20 some odd years now and I’m still towel drying off gobs of growth.  A few years ago I met a little boy who had a severe form of Autism. His condition bothered me so much that I did some research on it. I found that Autism is predominantly found in boys over girls. One of the theories is that at conception the fetus is female for 8 weeks, then the Y chromosome develops distinguishing the fetus as a male. The transformation process is so dramatic that birth defects occur during this stage. This particular theory believes that autism takes root during this transformation.  

I thought about this theory as I watched Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman. Portman plays an innocent, sheltered, ballerina with one passion: attaining perfection in her art form. The movie follows Portman as she strives for perfection in her craft and also parallels the imperfection of her human character that reveals itself as she cheats, lies, steals and purges in order to get to the top of her game. Quite the dichotomy eh?

My friends weren’t fans of this movie. I thought the hot and heavy lesbian scenes would at least have made my male counterpart put a 9 on the scoreboard, but even his reaction was, “I’m sorry I suggested we see this and by the way chicks are still crazy.” Personally, I thought it was brilliant. Mostly because it reminded me of myself. [Cue eye rolls.]

I found it captivating because it felt like watching one of the deep, dark secrets of humanity be revealed to a wide eyed teenager. The secret being, not one of us is pure and perfect. Not one. Call me crazy (most people do) but I don’t remember anyone ever telling me this as a child. I remember the world being painted as a grand place with possibility and I was a princess that reigned in it. I remember being encouraged to maintain the perfection of the world. Certain phrases encouraged me:

“Practice make’s perfect”

“The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.”

“You can do anything you put your mind to.”

“You are the best and you deserve the best.”

But, I don’t remember anyone ever sitting me down and telling me.

“There will be a day that you’re so frustrated that you’ll cheat.”

“There will be a time when you want something so bad you’ll steal it.”

“There will be a day that you are so angry you’ll hit someone.”

“There will be a time you will be so disappointed in someone that you’ll gossip.” 

"There will be a day that you'll feel so ugly that you will starve."  

I pretty much figured that stuff out on my own. Well, I was told that lying, cheating, hitting and stealing were bad and not to do them. But, I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that just as much as I am good, I am equally bad and that’s a normal part of being human. It seems to me that as a society we believe it makes more sense to push our youth toward excellence and perfection than educate them on the dark side of humanity. I think that this leaves the entire human race ignorant because we start to hate ourselves for the dark parts of ourselves instead of learning from them.

So what does one do when the dark side starts to show? Like Portman, we try to ignore it so we dance and we dance exceptionally well. To humor you, we’ll just pretend that the crazy ballerina and I are the only people in the world who have ever danced the tango of a double life. Since you haven’t I’ll tell you one thing about it, as the cute British boys say, “It’s bloody hard.” The stark contrast between being pure, white and on the pedestal of perfection and the chaos of hunting, stealing and killing while trying not to get caught is mind rattling. Sometimes the dance between two worlds is so thrilling and fast that one forgets they are dancing at all. But, there is one thing we all know about every performance. Eventually the artist must stop and take a bow. Hopefully that artist can accept the applause with dignity of a job well done. Some (like me) turn around and say, “What did I do? Who are you? And where the hell am I?”

For many years of my life I danced this tango between party-harty-rock and roll and good girl who goes on mission trips with church. I quite arrogantly thought that I had everyone fooled until the dancing of the these two performances collided and left me with only pieces of each one left. Isn’t that what transformation is though? You take what you have; both good and bad, the black and the white and you make something new with them - you make something gray.

I have spent the last few years of my life trying to paint my life with gray. What I have discovered though is in spite of our affection for heather gray v-necks from American Apparel, our society does not like “gray”. We live in a culture of excellence and it doesn’t have the patience to watch a transformation and it certainly is not pleased with imperfection. If you say you’re going to do something, you better do it and you better do it well or dammit I’ll find someone else to dance, employ, date, make my coffee or walk my dog.

While painting the gray swan in me has realized that the applause from the audience only lasts for a few moments. Afterward some will send you flowers and some will tell you, “Beautiful girl, your form – sucks.” I could spend hours improving my form and living off the applause of others or I could accept that I am gray. I could accept that I am awkward, weird, confusing, but also funny, smart and pretty brave, I could applaud myself for that and call it a night. I have learned that being able to accept yourself with all of the slime that goes with it, is a painful transformation, but it can be even more thrilling than perfection. To be gray is to live with freedom.

Amanda Palmer

As much as I love writing on these subjects there is a heaviness that goes with eating disorder recovery. Even though I may have recovery under my belt I daily read stories and medical studies about those that do not. My mind is filled with the anguish of parents at a loss of what to do with this disease that is killing their child, I hear about people I once knew dying of this disease and of others refusing treatment. I hear about studies coming out about children developing eating disorders as young as the age of 8 and of rehabs and doctors overwhelmed with the amount of clients and trauma they are dealing with. Maybe this is why it’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Maybe I secretly fear what new eating disorder death sits in the Health section of The New York Times.

However, there are some days like today that I am given a morsel of HOPE and it’s always great when that hope is delivered with a melody. That hope came from a Los Angeles Times article featuring Amanda Palmer, who asked to split with Roadrunner Records in April. Palmer claimed the label sought to cut or alter shots of her stomach in the music video for the “Who Killed Amanda Palmer” song “Leeds United,” Palmer asked to be dropped in late 2008. As fans bared their own bodies in an online protest dubbed “The ReBellyon,” the singer took to performing a song pointedly titled “Please Drop Me” in concert. Palmer has gone on to join Band Camp an online music publishing platform that allows artists to have more control of their sales and merchandising.

This story blew away my “Debbie Downer Syndrome” and made me smirk at the audacity this young Rock & Roller has to ask to be dropped from her record label. In a day and age where celebrity eating disorders are as acceptable as celebrity divorces I was pretty shocked to see Palmer give “the bird’ to her record label. Here’s a chick who is edgy, popular and punk rock and won’t let the powers of “approval” alter who she truly is. This story gives me a good 500 mg of hope because this is a woman who very easily could have been motivated by fear and just gone along with edits on her body. Instead she stayed steady with what she knew was true, right and just and choose to stay stick with it and not sell out. It was a risky choice, but she definitely made a fan out of me.

Palmer gives me hope for 2011. Hope that if one girl can stand up and say, “I refuse to agree with you. My body IS good enough exactly as it is thank you very much.” I wonder what the rest of us could say?

Happy New Year!

Irvina  

Image by: Sam Niguel

The beginning of the year is a popular time for Eating Disorder Rehabs to get an overwhelming amount of new clients. Whether it’s the client or the family that has decided this year is going to be different, the goal is the same: RECOVERY. A new year is a shiny new toy that makes us all excited. It’s like a newborn baby, it gives us hope for the future and the possibility of change.

 I looked up the Top 10 most common New Years Resolutions. They are:

1.)    Spend more time with family and friends

2.)    Fit in fitness

3.)    Lose weight

4.)    Quite smoking

5.)    Enjoy life more

6.)    Quit drinking

7.)    Get out of debt

8.)    Learn something new

9.)    Help others

10.) Get organized

But for someone with an Eating Disorder goals and lists are part of the everyday regime. Those of us with Eating Disorders tend to be incredibly driven, intelligent and accomplished individuals. If we make a list of something to do, we’ll probably do it faster and more successfully than most. So what’s the New Years Resolution for those of us in Eating Disorder Recovery? It’s: GIVE UP.

The hardest thing for someone with an Eating Disorder is giving up; which might be why Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other psychological disorder. Giving up an Eating Disorder takes more bravery, humility and courage than anyone can imagine. The tricky thing about an Eating Disorder is the vice of fear that it keeps ones brain while it operates. Taking that vice off takes a ton of strength. Believing you’ll be okay without it takes an avalanche of blind faith.

As a woman in recovery myself I won’t lie, giving up is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I spent so many years convincing myself that being thin was the answer to all of life’s problems. Admitting to myself that I was wrong and just the thought of attempting another route erupted tears and fear that raced through my blood. But, here’s the thing, giving up not only saved my life, it GAVE me a life. I had no idea how amazing life could actually be until I gave up my Eating Disorder. My prayer for you is that you would GIVE UP this New Year. I promise that if you make that your only goal for the year, 365 days from now you’ll be smiling like me and not dying.

Kellya - etsy.com

I got a call from a sponsee last night that was heaving in and out of tears and a cracked voice. Like all of my sponsees, she reminded me so much of myself. The disease of an Eating Disorder may manifest into different behaviors of anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating, but the fear it spreads like cancer is the same malignant crap every time.  The amazing thing about working with sponsees is that they not only allow us to return the gift of recovery, but they also remind us how far in remission we are from the cancer of an Eating Disorder. This particular sponsee of mine has done the basic work of surrendering her food. She doesn’t abuse herself with food any longer. However, since she isn’t numbing herself with food the uncomfortable feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, imperfection, doubt, fear and anger are all raging through her body. She called me asking me what to do about them. I took a deep breath remembering when I asked my own sponsor what to do with my feelings, remembering how much I hated the following answer, “Sit down and feel your feelings.” My sponsee cried more heavily when I gave her this painful prescription.

To someone without an Eating Disordered mind it may sound incredibly juvenile to cry about being forced to “feel your feelings.” I agree, it is. Part of the psychological phenomena of Eating Disorders is its ability to convince intelligent girls and women that they are inadequate of handling their own emotions and relationships. It is paralyzing. The harmful effect is that the unresolved issues behind the emotions of imperfection, fear and anger never get resolved. They fester, they mold, they corrupt our mind, they ruin our relationships and eventually kill us. What I try to tell my sponsees is that “feeling your feelings” is like purging in a healthy way. There have been studies done on bulimia that have stated that the behavior of purging food actually gives some relief. It is a way of subconsciously purging the pain from ones body, except the relief doesn’t last through food. The underlying emotions are still there, until the feelings are processed. Whatever emotions one feels whether they be anger at parents, rejection from a relationship or loss of a friend, those feeling needs to be removed from the body.

I think the scariest thing about feeling emotions is the knowledge that comes with them. I think so many of us with Eating Disorders don’t want to feel our emotions because it means that we might have to admit that we feel our parents have let us down. We may have to admit that we have been selfish. We may have to admit that this may not be the guy we’re supposed to be with. We may have to admit that our lifetime friendship needs to end. We may have to admit that alcohol is a problem and stop drinking. We may have to make an apology to our sister. We may have to drop out of school to get recovery from our Eating Disorder. We may have to do things that are right to do, but sometimes doing the right thing is incredibly painful and difficult.

Having experienced many emotions in recovery I have learned to welcome them. They do bring tears and a lot of pain, but they also bring with them something else, something beautiful; CHANGE. Something I have come to believe and appreciate about my emotions is that they are signals to me that I need to change something in my life. In my Eating Disorder I was completely lost. I had friends, relationships and interests that I didn’t even like. I didn’t realize that things needed to change until I started feeling the emotions that I tried to suffocate. What I do now is let my feelings guide me to think rationally about the choices I am making. It is through the great pain of emotions that I have had the opportunity to sculpt a life that is fun, exciting, joyful, faithful, and Eating Disorder free. It is my goal to help my sponsee see that her emotions can guide her to the same.

 I’m blessed to know women who have gone before me and walked through this process. I met them and my sponsees at Overeaters Anonymous and Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. We take The Victorian clients to these meetings where they too can get Sponsors who have experienced the same disease and relate.

Christmas is only 12 days away. That means the parental units, spouses and children will be flying into John Wayne Airport shortly to see our beloved Victorian clients. Undoubtedly we will not make it to December 25^th without at least 2 women walking into the office in hysterical tears over a family member who said some form of the following:

“You’re looking healthy!”
”You’ve gained weight!”

“Your boobs look bigger!” 

“Wow! You must be eating all your meals! You look good!”

or for others it’s:

“Wow! You’ve lost what 15 pounds?”

“Honey I can see your cheek bones now! How wonderful!”

“Oh my gosh what are you a size….”

Now obviously as staff we are happy to see families taking notice of clients physical recovery from their Eating Disorder.  One would assume that a client who has participated in 1 to 6 months of in-patient care would like to hear that others are taking notice of their progress. However what families notice as progress is noted to Eating Disorder clients as failure. For one, Eating Disorder clients are attached to their size. Whether small or large they have sculpted their identity in their size and feel threatened when someone notices it has changed. They feel a loss of control, insecurity and fear from the change. They worry what expectations you may have from them due to the change.

However, it’s my belief that the underlying issue for the clients is that your comments on their body triggers the ED Voice that tells them “All you have to offer to people is your body.” As counselors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, support staff and therapist we make a point to never, ever comment on a client’s body. We believe that each and every woman who comes through The Victorian is not simply a woman with an Eating Disorder and a traumatic past. She is a unique soul on a journey trying to discover who she is. When we see her uniqueness shine through in either creativity, personal relationships or strength we try to celebrate that. We make a point to notice the uniqueness of every woman, not her size.

I encourage all of you visiting family members to take note of your loved ones uniqueness during your visit. Compliment her kindness, her wit, her intelligence and her strength. Think before you comment on her physical or emotional appearance (and simply DON’T comment on the physical.) Eating Disorder clients are notorious for being incredibly sensitive. I thank you for being patient and thoughtful with your words, if used wisely they truly can be healing and serve a much greater good.

For those who have not personally experienced an Eating Disorder it is hard to see it outside of vanity for what it is: a disease. Understandably so, many of the actions of the disease involve much of the clients own cognitive control. However, recent research is paving the way for Eating Disorders to be taken seriously as a genetic, mental disease. Which is a huge step in getting health insurance to cover the costs of treatment, more awareness programs for children and compassion for those suffering from the disease.

The New York Times is currently featuring a series online called, Patient Voices where they feature people suffering from a variety of mental disorders. You can hear all of their testimonies about the experience with their disease. Please take a listen to the Eating Disorder testimonies. There is a variety of men, women and teens who talk about their disease. Take a listen to their experience with their Eating Disorder here. Awareness, is the first step to finding a solution. We are so glad so many are stepping out and bringing awareness to this painful, deadly disease. 

The last time I got a massage the masseuse started with my neck. She moved up to my jaw line and said, “Oh! I see that you are tense around the jaw. That means you are afraid to really say what’s on your mind. You’re holding back.” My thoughts were, “Well that’s unfortunate considering I’m a WRITER!” After being slightly annoyed that my masseuse was crossing over into marriage and family counselor territory I gave a bit of thought to what she said. I think there may be some validity to it. Though, I am a writer who proudly says what’s on my mind,  I am also am a recovering Anorexic, Bulimic Compulsive Overeater. A lot of my Eating Disorder stemmed from my core self-worth, feeling not good enough physically or emotionally. Though I have over 3 years of recovery, I still have a disease that challenges my ability to speak my mind. Even though I do speak my mind, at times I find it challenging to do so. More than others perhaps. Which is exactly why I need to take care of myself and go get massages. To relieve some of the tension that goes with carrying this disease.

I found an article awhile back ( that you can view here) that reports that massages help reduce eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. It is due to the decreased levels of cortisol and increased levels of serotonin and dopamine that a massage provides. Fascinating isn’t it! Getting a massage is like taking a vitamin!

The Vic Girls love their massages! We go and get ours at:

Spa Gregorie’s

200 Newport Center Dr

Newport Beach, CA 92660

(949) 644-6672

My personal favorite place is:

Total Body Care

154 Broadway

Costa Mesa, CA 92627

(949) 574-2400

A great place to take all your girlfriends for a spa day is:

Glen Ivy

25000 Glen Ivy Rd.

Corona, CA 92883

(888) 453-6489

I hope this post inspires you to do some self care and go get a massage!

You can tell the Holidays are approaching The Victorian in Newport Beach when the blazing coastal sun is cooled by the fall chill and the clients ditch their flip flops for Uggs. Ah, the Holidays! A very merry and scary time of the year considering the Holidays are focused around two very triggering things: Family and Food. But in eating disorder recovery we offer hope. The hope being that there are things we can do to keep our abstinence and sanity this Holiday Season 2010. The hope is BOUNDARIES. Yes, big emotional and physical boundaries. Check out some of these boundaries before you take a slice of pumpkin pie….

1. Supportive Pie – Think about being at the dessert table with the option of picking one of the assortments of pies. There’s apple pie, cherry pie, pumpkin pie and then there is some moldy pie with ants crawling all over it. Which pie are you going to go for? Please tell me you will NOT for for the moldy pie obviously because it will make you sick…..Think of this pie choosing analogy when you select who you are going to spend time with over the holidays. Are the people you’re spending time with going to pull you back into your disease and make you sick? Are your parents judgmental and critical? Is the emotional baggage that comes with being with these people going to cause you to relapse? If so, then don’t chose that pie. You deserve the best and you deserve to make wise and healthy decisions for yourself.
2. Under the Mistle Toe- When we think of the holidays we think of places of celebration, parties and people kissing under the mistle toe. Sadly, however a lot of the places we used to go for holidays don’t bring us great mistel toe memories…..Hanging out in a bar, with others in their addictions and at parties where alcohol will be served can be triggering. Put up your boundaries and protect yourself. Avoid environments that might tempt you to return to your past bad habits. If you have stopped drinking, don't go to holiday parties at bars or even homes where alcohol will be a major focus. Politely decline. Your health and lifestyle are more important than social obligations.
3. Strolling through the leaves  – Fall and Winter are great times for soothing walks because the air feels so crisp and enchanting…. When times get stressful with the family and friends take yourself on a de-stressful walk. Take a deep breath and just get out of the house. Call your sponsor or a friend and ask them to blow off steam with you as you walk.
4. Christmas Carole – There is something fond about the tradition of reading the Christmas Carole year after year. It’s our own tradition that reminds us of gathering with people we love. This year start your own tradition. Start knitting, having bon fires with friends, writing or taking an art class. Own the Holidays for the good and the bad and stick it out with your creativity. You can create your own Holiday you just have to do it! 

But, you think that everything going on in So Cal this weekend is all the ol’ fun debauchery you used to have and you’re bummed you’ll be missing out– Bad thing

Here’s the Real thing….there is actually a ton of fun things you can do this weekend that don’t require you to get blazed and go bar hopping in bunny ears and lingerie. Check it:

Friday, October 29th

Day of the Dead – Art Exhibit, Mexican Food and Lecture

 The Long Beach Playhouse

5021 E. Anaheim St. Long Beach CA

www.lbplayhouse.org

$20 Adults $18 Students

For all you Day of the Dead and Art aficionados! Gregario Luke, the former director of the Museum of Latin American Art tours all around to Harvard, Yale and now So Cal and will be giving a lecture on the history of The Day of the Dead and it’s traditions. Along with the lecture, the Playhouse will present a collection of altars designed by local artists. Show up early for excellent food by Lola’s, the much-loved Mexican restaurant on Long Beach’s 4th Street!

Saturday, October 30^th

Art Show + Costume Party

Tim Rusmiel Gallery

31766 Los Rios Street, San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675

www.timrusmiselgallery.com

Cost: $10

The gallery will be showing work from over a dozen Vegan artists in a silent auction fundraiser for the Animal Acres sanctuary. (www.animalacres.org) There will also be a costume party and vegan treats in the gallery's courtyard

Sunday, October 31^st

The Museum of Latin American Art

Dia De Los Muertos Celebration

7^th Street, Long Beach CA

www.molaa.org

Cost: Free

For you party animal Artists out there! Face paint is our friend! The Museum of Latin American Art is the bomb! Come check out altars on view, vendors, face painting and art workshops where guests will make calaca masks, paper flowers and sugar skulls. Performance by the Jesus Mejia  Dance Company

Monday, November 1^st

The Gypsy Den

Open Mike Night

Santa Ana Artist Village, Santa Ana

www.gypsyden.com

Cost: Free

Come and hear local artists bust out their tunes and sonnets! Hey, why don’t you bust out some of your own tunes yourself? You know you got it!

Tuesday, November 2^nd

Strike at the Tustin Legacy

Monday Night Strike

The District, Tustin

www.thedistrict.com

Cost: $17

You like tunes? You like bowling? You like people? Then cruise over to the Tustin Legacy with your peeps and rock out while you bowl to some awesome tunes!

Wednesday, November 3^rd

The Echo

Marnie Stern

1822 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles

www.attheecho.com

Cost: $12

A night out in LA! Heck yes! The New York City singer-guitarist Marnie Stern is a one-woman force of nature. She would be impressive just for her dazzling guitar technique, in which she casts out blurry flurries of intricate solos that are often layered with loops of heavy sound effects. But she's more than just a flashy guitar hero, writing interesting, multidimensional art-prog-punk songs that are distinguished by dense arrangements and crazed vocals.

I hope to see you guys around the OC and LA this weekend! Remember that abstinence and sobriety can be fun, you just have to be creative with it. Yeah CREATIVITY! Boo Eating Disorders!

Spook ya later! 

Irvina