Body comments. Oh no you didn’t!
You say: “You look healthy” She hears: “You look fat” Join us as we try to decode the Eating Disordered brain and attempt to reprogram YOURS.
Christmas is only 12 days away. That means the parental units, spouses and children will be flying into John Wayne Airport shortly to see our beloved Victorian clients. Undoubtedly we will not make it to December 25th without at least 2 women walking into the office in hysterical tears over a family member who said some form of the following:
“You’re looking healthy!”
”You’ve gained weight!”
“Your boobs look bigger!”
“Wow! You must be eating all your meals! You look good!”
or for others it’s:
“Wow! You’ve lost what 15 pounds?”
“Honey I can see your cheek bones now! How wonderful!”
“Oh my gosh what are you a size….”
Now obviously as staff we are happy to see families taking notice of clients physical recovery from their Eating Disorder. One would assume that a client who has participated in 1 to 6 months of in-patient care would like to hear that others are taking notice of their progress. However what families notice as progress is noted to Eating Disorder clients as failure. For one, Eating Disorder clients are attached to their size. Whether small or large they have sculpted their identity in their size and feel threatened when someone notices it has changed. They feel a loss of control, insecurity and fear from the change. They worry what expectations you may have from them due to the change.
However, it’s my belief that the underlying issue for the clients is that your comments on their body triggers the ED Voice that tells them “All you have to offer to people is your body.” As counselors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, support staff and therapist we make a point to never, ever comment on a client’s body. We believe that each and every woman who comes through The Victorian is not simply a woman with an Eating Disorder and a traumatic past. She is a unique soul on a journey trying to discover who she is. When we see her uniqueness shine through in either creativity, personal relationships or strength we try to celebrate that. We make a point to notice the uniqueness of every woman, not her size.
I encourage all of you visiting family members to take note of your loved ones uniqueness during your visit. Compliment her kindness, her wit, her intelligence and her strength. Think before you comment on her physical or emotional appearance (and simply DON’T comment on the physical.) Eating Disorder clients are notorious for being incredibly sensitive. I thank you for being patient and thoughtful with your words, if used wisely they truly can be healing and serve a much greater good.
