Eating Disorders Recovery Blog

I am so honored to share the following Recovery Testimonial by Victorian Alumni, Christina Duncan Collins. Christina left the Victorian House about a month ago. Having worked with her during her recovery makes this story so valuable to me. To hear Christina talk about what her life used to be like and what it's like now can only be summed up as miraculous and magical.



instead of getting to my classes. The overwhelming degradation that never ceased to
exist, seemed to always land me in another secret, another lie, another trip to the liquor
store; the shame coincided with the deep depression Iʼd foregone addressing over the
years, and somewhere along the line Iʼd seemed to have accepted that there was no
longer a way out of the deep seeded hole of this eating disorder that I didnʼt even acknowledge
anymore; my pained existence had become a form of warped normalcy.

Before I came to treatment, I recall feeling helpless, pathetic, depressed, guilty, ashamed,
humiliated, desolate, vacant, numb, and I am most certain that the light in my eyes had
been gone for quite some time.

Iʼd reached the end of the line, my lowest of lows; it didnʼt seem that my life could have
gone to shit any more than if someone was trying to singlehandedly destroy it; I had already
done that with no one else to blame but myself. In variant forms of self sabotage,
Iʼd wreaked havoc so thoroughly into my life and my own sense of being, that Iʼd become
far too sick--body, mind, and spirit--to come out of this repulsively base, melancholy
tenebrosity; I was blind, sick, weak, and I knew I needed help. I never wanted to
die, though Iʼd come close several times, hospital wristbands kept as reminders; I luckily
always managed to hold on to that little bit of hope we all look to in times of need.

As my substance abuse issues had functioned primarily as tools for my eating disordered
way of life, I found the black and white nature of sobriety much easier to handle; it
was almost a relief to be sleeping restlessly or not at all for that first month, anything not
to feel continuously anymore like I was dying before nodding off. The eating disorder, on
the other hand, had become a masochistic means of coping that, despite all reason,
had given me a sense of safety, what I learnedly turned to at the young age of six, as
my eating went from odd to restrictive to fucking abnormal; by the age of seven, eating
was no longer a necessity, but rather an outlet for me to manifest my need of power,
control, beauty, love, and validation that was never received as a child.

I came to treatment, went straight to detox for the night, had purged all day even when
itʼd come down to stomach acids & bile, and decided my day 1 of recovery would begin
as soon as I arrived at The Victorian. I think I had initially expected to be staying in a
place where I wouldnʼt be able to act on any of my eating disorder behaviors, that staff
would magically know when I threw up or when I was lying; in other words, I thought Iʼd
been sent to a place where I wouldnʼt have to be working wholeheartedly for my recovery,
that the staff would be crutches to hold me up. I was acting out in my eating disorder
for the first month of treatment, with the mindset that I was helping myself the way I
“needed” and kept the majority of it a secret, only divulging brief nuances of strife; truth
be told, I was struggling so immensely, that I could share maybe a quarter of my contention
and sound like I was telling the full truth, little bits being so thoroughly entwined in
ugly details and misery.

After finally coming to the realization of choice, that Iʼd chosen to get the help I needed
and was still keeping secrets in the belief that I knew what was best--which had overtly
failed in past trials--that I was still very sick and if I didnʼt let it be known the garishness
of my disease, Iʼd leave 90 days later with the same issues to settle; I was choosing to
let my chance of recovery from my eating disorder dissipate and diminish day after day.
I made a vow to tell the whole truth, when I wanted to purge, when I was struggling to
eat, when I was obsessing about exercise and calories, when I wanted to sneak into the
kitchen to binge & purge, when Iʼd given in to the repulsive voices in my head & sneak
off to the bathroom to throw up. I remember new girls arriving at The Victorian a month
or more after me, picking up chips of abstinence, and feeling embarrassed for having
been in treatment for twice as long and not being able to say the same if not more about
my progress.

Just after Christmas and into the new year, I was struggling immensely; after gaining
just over 10 days of abstinence, the longest Iʼd had in nine years, I relapsed, and there
were days I claimed myself sick, sleeping through days and only seeing the light of day
to smoke a cigarette. The word “choice” stuck out to me yet again; essentially, my recovery
was dependent on the choices I decided for myself, and just because I was in
treatment didnʼt mean Iʼd come out cured, healthy, happy, or even abstinent; I knew I
didnʼt want my disease, and the program showed me that I no longer had to suffer, mulling
the bane of my diseaseʼs existence, so I made a second vow to get on my feet again
and continue the work despite all contrary thoughts in knowing my health had yet to be
regained.

 However, the next day was treatment team, and staff had assessed that I
needed to be moved to a higher level of care to get some time not purging, to be
watched around the clock. I understood each concern, but remained distraught in that
Iʼd finally been getting real and honest with myself; my determination to overcome the
past obstacles and following hurdles led me to take a stand for myself, and I signed yet
another behavioral contract to resume my treatment at The Victorian, not going down
without a fight of course. I stayed true to what Iʼd signed, knowing wholeheartedly from
the start that I would in fact prove everyone wrong; my head and my heart were finally
on the same page.

It took me a long while to realize that I was at The Victorian so they could teach me how
to walk again; essentially, it wasnʼt going to help me if everyone was just trying to hold
me up to keep me from falling down; I needed to be re-taught, re-trained, and that light
in me had to be rejuvenated. I learned that Iʼm not automatically a burden, I can ask for
help when I need it, that my voice is amazing, and paramountly that I am beautiful. The
tools I acquired in treatment allowed me to take back my life, and really begin living it
again. I still live by my Socratian oath to “always question authority,” but I know to no
longer bend it to extremes of overriding my own principles and values that Iʼd seemingly
discarded of long ago.

Exactly 153 days after my intake date at The Victorian of Newport Beach, I can definitely
say that light is back, and what a long strange trip itʼs been. Not to say every day isnʼt a
struggle, because it certainly is, but the difference is the rejuvenation Iʼve gained
throughout my entire treatment process--mind, body, and spirit--thatʼs given me the
freedom in my life that I felt so far from before. Itʼs been countless years since Iʼve been
able to feel, sit with my feelings, be present, equate my life to opportunities and happiness
rather than doom, and simply feel like myself again.

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

So when I am not writing this fabulous Eating Disorder Recovery blog and facilitating meeting at The Victorian I work at an Art School, teaching art to kids ages 3 to 18. Since a lot of the parents know that I work in the Eating Disorder field they like to double check with me that the way they are raising their daughter is kosher and she will end up "Eating Disorder Free".

As much as I would love to tell them the exact way to parent their child to avoid an Eating Disorder that is impossible. Eating Disorders have been proven to be a psychological disease and genetically predisposed from birth. However, the environment the child is raised in can have an affect on the severity of the Eating Disorder. Thus, the questions from my students parents flood in. One I got last week was very interesting to me. One mother asked me, "I tell my 2 year old she is 'so beautiful' probably 15 times a day. That's okay right?"

I think this is a great question and the answer is Yes and No. Yes, in that every child does build self esteem knowing that their parents think they are beautiful and attractive. Esspecially at the age of 2 a child considers a parents words to be gospel, telling a child they are beautiful is a positive thing because it builds their sense of self in a positive direction.

Where this can go wrong is if the parent doesn't give equal importance of being beautiful to being smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend or friendly. Children need to learn that besides their beauty they have worth in multiple other areas as a human being.

I would encourage parents that for every time you tell your child, "You are beautiful" you also look for opportunities to tell them, "You are so kind. I love being around you!"

Have a great week!
Love, Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Eating Disorder Treatment

This Sunday night we will be hosting
Mia Eadington, MA MFT
Topic: Eating Disorders and our Relationships with our Significant Others
The Victorian
505 29th Street
Newport Beach, CA 92661
7pm to 8pm

Please see Mia's site for more info on her practice:
http://www.lifeisagamelc.com/

People with Eating Disorders often have problems in relationships. Whether it be too little boundaries, too many or just the inability to connect. Mia will be discussing all topics in the spectrum. Come and join us for this open discussion. I never leave a Victorian Meeting not feeling fresh and rejuvenated.

Have a great weekend!

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Bulimia treatment, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Therapy

Happy Friday All! I just wanted to let everyone know that there is a fabulous and FREE Eating Disorder Resource Group in Newport Beach. It is for anyone that may suspect that someone they love may have an eating disorder. It is facilitated by therapist, specialist and dieticians once a month. I would reccomend it to anyone who wants to learn more about Eating Disorders, how to go about getting help or even just networking withing the field. Some very gifted individuals attend this group. If you would like to attend see the info below. Have a great weekend! - Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, compulsive overeating help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Therapy, Eating Disorder Treatment

“Have you no self control?” People suffering from Eating Disorders have heard this question literally a thousand times from a concerned parent, spouse or friend. Often times it is said after a binge on a box of cookies, a carton of ice cream or a box of donuts. The sad truth is “No. We don’t have self control.” Like Alcoholism an Eating Disorder is a disease of the mind and Impulse Control Disorder goes hand in hand with Anorexia, Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating. An Impulse Control Disorder is defined as: A psychological disorders characterized by the repeated inability to refrain from performing a particular action that is harmful either to oneself or others.
Causes of Impulse Control disorder are thought to come from 4 possible areas.

1.) Traumatic Brain Injury – Particularly true when the damage has been done to the frontal cortex area. (Jentsch & Taylor, 1999.)

2.) Substance Abuse – Research shows that those who abuse multiple substances show more impulsive behavior than those who abuse single substances. (O’Boyle & Baratt, 1993).

3.) Major Mental Disorders - Often associated with impulsivity while the individual is in a psychotic state. This is particularly true of Bipolar Disorder where the impulsive behavior is most often associated with the manic phase.

4.) Personality Disorders - Primarily borderline, anti-social, narcissistic, and histrionic. Impulsivity in the form of risk-tasking behaviors, sexual promiscuity, gestures and threats of self-harm and other attention-seeking behaviors.

“So what is the treatment for someone with Impulse Control Disorder AND an Eating Disorder?” I’m so glad you asked! … At The Victorian the program is structured to battle Eating Disorders from 3 angles. Mental, Physical and Spiritual. Here is how we do it.

1.) MENTAL - Therapy – We teach our clients the life long tool of how to be their own therapist. Our therapist don’t preach they challenge the clients ….“Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now before I do this impulsive act? Now, play it through…what am I going to do, how am I going to do it and how will I feel afterward?” Through therapy we give clients tools to take care of themselves and eventually heal.

2.) PHYSICAL - Medication – Within the first few days of arrival at The Victorian an appointment is set up with a trusted and outstanding Psychiatrist who assesses the client and prescribes medication if needed.

3.) SPIRITUAL - Supportive Living Environment – When it comes to Eating Disorders and Impulse Control Disorder, recovery is a life long process. It starts with the individual being held accountable for their actions by staff. At The Victorian we don’t lock the cupboards or kitchen and we allow clients to prepare their own food with staff present. The only job of the client is to be honest, to ask for support when their impulses feel out of control and to speak up when their ED (Eating Disorder) is chattering eating disordered thoughts to them. Together staff and client can battle this disease together.

I hope this answered some of your questions about Impulse Control Disorder and Eating Disorders! Have a great weekend and Happy Recovery! Xoxo Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment, Impulse control, OCD, Self Control

Valentines Day is coming…. And though the moans and sighs of Victorian clients fill the house, there is some wisdom amongst the women without a partner to share the lovers holiday with. I have seen the women rally around each other and finding the positive side of being in Eating Disorder treatment over the holiday. Many note that being in treatment will make them a better wife, girlfriend and mother in the long run. Treatment allows them the opportunity to love deeper and better.

As I hear the women talk I am reminded of an old adage, “Before you can love anyone else, you must first love yourself.” The first time I heard this was when I was about 17. These words sounded like a foreign language to me. I envisioned myself on a football field, all suited up and ready to play, but before I could even step on the field the referee stopped me before I ever touched the sidelines with the prerequisite, “You must love yourself first, BEFORE you can step on the field and play.” Up until that point I had always believed that love was an open game for anyone to play, that is anyone who had the “courage” to play.

Since the first time I have heard this saying about loving yourself first, I have learned that courage definitely is necessary to love, but the courage must be rooted in a deep love to love yourself through thick and thin. The best way I can paint this picture is with a high school. All high school teenagers go through a phase of insecurity, self doubt and confusion. While they are trying to figure out where they belong amongst cheerleaders and the artsy crew, they cling to their close friends for reassurance and praise that they do in deed have a place to belong. I’m sure all of us remember “cliques” in high school. Not loving yourself first is like being a hormonal teenager in a clique. You cling to a group or best friend to validate you, define you and give you purpose. Eventually though we all learn that our best friends are flawed too. That just because they are in our clique doesn’t make them infalliable. This realization that our clique isn't perfect sends us into a tail spin, that we aren't safe in the world any longer.

The truth is when you love yourself you can step out of a clique and say, “Wow, I’m not as loud as a cheerleader. I’m not as deep as the drama kids. I’m not as charismatic as the ASB president. In honesty, I’m a talented individual who can make great tea pots with clay, I’m an average student, but I’m a kind person and I’m a great friend and I draw well with pastels. And now that I see that I am not perfect I can also see that other people aren’t perfect. I can see where I have a temper, insecurity and fear and I still love myself for that. I don’t need anyone’s validation that I am smart or pretty enough, because I know that I am just fine where I am. When we get to this spot of accepting ourselves and not clinging to anything or anyone to keep us safe we can freely and openly love people. We can see our partners for their weaknesses and flaws and say, I know you’re not perfect and I know I’m not perfect, but I still love you and I still love me.

In all honesty I think it’s actually harder to love yourself than to love another person. Because at the end of the day we know our flaws. We know where we are ignorant, rude and inconsiderate. The hard thing is to be able to look at ourselves honestly and say, “I know you’re not perfect and I still LOVE you.” When we can do that for ourselves we can honestly and sincerely grow close to other people. We can see where they are not perfect and instead of being disappointed or critical of them we can instead relate to that imperfection and in turn say, “I know you’re not perfect, but I still LOVE you.”

Happy Valentines to all! May you love much and well this year and may you most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
 
xoxo,
Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

Happy New Year everyone! I am writing to you today from India! Just another one of the "mobile" blessings of blogging. I have been here for the past two weeks and have been profoundly moved by the Indian women here in Tenali, a small region of India here in Andarha Pradesh. I came here on a mission trip with a group of people to serve the Harvest India orphans,  elderly, leapors and women rescued from sex trafficking. Considering that the empowerment of women is of great importance to me I asked quite a few questions about the women rescued from sex trafficking. I knew that this kind of traumatic experience would lead a woman to self harming behaviors like eating disorders. I asked around if these women were exhibiting eating disorder behaviors? The answer was an undoubted, "Yes". My next question was "Well, do they have therapist or support groups in the area?" The answer was a solemn, "No".

It has been explained to me that in the culture of India women are considered to be "worthless". As a whole the culture does not believe that women deserve dignity and respect, therefore when it comes down to trying to do therapy or counseling with these women the message doesn't translate into this culture. The way they see it, "If I am worthless why should I talk about my feelings? What purpose does it serve to say I deserve respect if I demand it and no one gives it?"

Thankfully there is research being done on how to translate this message of "self worth" to these women rescued out of sex trafficking. But, until this goal is accomplished, until these women understand that what has been done to them is undeserved I feel the darkness of this reality in a painful way. I guess I just remember getting therapy for my own Eating Disorder and thinking how foreign the concept was that I "deserved" to nourish my body. It makes me sick to think that the women I saw with beautiful smiles wearing colorful saree's and clutching small children won't grasp that concept for a very long time.

On the flip side, I have a tremendous amount of gratitude on the subject. If it wasn't for the compassion of women in recovery from Eating Disorders, violence, rape or sex trafficking who would care to help these women? I have always found it moving that without women willing to get recovery there would be no group of Overeaters Anonymous or Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. It is with each woman who goes into Eating Disorder Recovery that we give the gift of recovery to another woman. The world is a place of great tragedy and great beauty. I know that this year I am going to try my best to be apart of the beauty, the recovery and the healing, I hope you all do too. Happy New Year 2010!

Love,

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab

When family members bring their loved ones to treatment for substance abuse and eating disorder issues, the hopeful anticipation is that at discharge, they will be ‘fixed’. Despite the fact that my magic wand holds a special place in my office, it seldom works the way family members want it to. Healing from substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors is a complex and complicated endeavor and requires more than simply work on the sufferer’s behalf. From my perspective, healing is a family affair revolving around the building of open and honest lines of communication. Getting to this point can be challenging and oftentimes the clinician has to overcome significant defenses inherent within the family system.

The goal of family healing is to subvert any notion of blame. Rather the intention is to move from self-absorption or self- flagellation to a place without guilt and shame – a place of openness focused on utilizing the past only for self-discovery and growth. The creation of substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors usually develops from multiple factors rather than one single cause. There is no need to expend time and energy on examining these factors ad infinitum. Most important is to begin with a willingness to create the open, honest lines of communication towards the development of new behaviors and discovery; a willingness to listen and tackle those issues in a significant enough way that allow for listening closely to the sufferer’s story.

Let’s examine what we know about the complexities of substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors. For the most part, these behaviors are utilized as coping mechanisms by the sufferer to act as numbing behaviors to separate them from ‘feeling states’. But if we look closely with open hearts and eyes, it soon becomes revealed that these behaviors when extreme, become a cry for help, a cry for attention by the sufferer.
There are many contributing factors to the rise of substance abuse and eating disorder behaviors. We live in a world where the media barrage of diet fads and obsessive attention to body image is excessive to say the least. We live in a world where family structures are dissipating which in turn leaves adolescents vulnerable to define their own acceptable sense of self. We live in a world where perfectionism is a common denominator between those who are born to believe they are capable and those who are not. Most importantly there are many exemplifying factors to consider such as stress, depression, socioeconomic positioning, and the list continues.

But let’s get to the bottom line here – the healing process is indeed a family affair.

My goal when working with families is to help understand each individuals’ fears surrounding the sufferer, and to help each person in the system become empowered by creating honest, trusting, and deep bonds with the other. This development is not an overnight process, nor does my ‘magic wand’ help in the endeavor. Rather it is a slow, pedantic process requiring an open heart, mind, and most importantly, the willingness to be vulnerable, introspective, and supportive in a healthy way to the sufferer. I firmly believe that if these elements are in place, magic can happen in the healing process.

The most significant factor of all is that the identified sufferer gleans a new perspective on life as do those in the family system who come to the witness the metamorphosis. Oftentimes the metamorphosis is their very own.







Dr. Michele Lob PsyD MFT is the Clinical Director at the Victorian House in Newport Beach, CA. She also has a private practice working with families and children in Newport Beach.

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Treatment, Newport Beach Eating Disorder

The coolest thing happened to me this week I received an email from another woman in Overeaters Anonymous who is living outside the US, in an area where there are no OA meetings to attend. She reached out to me for support. What a rock star she is huh? We have been emailing a bit. The other day she asked me a great question, “What does your God look like and how did you find him/her/it?' I would love to hear about your Higher Power if you wouldn’t mind sharing!” I was taken back, by such a deep and profound question than many people new to Eating Disorder Treatment have. I wanted to take some time to think about it and share it with all of you too.

For me, my Higher Power is what I call “God.” I consider God the foundation for my recovery and my life. He’s like, I guess you would say, “The man of the house” (well, my house anyway.) I believe that I can’t change jobs, date this guy, not that guy, not eat dinner or eat a pint of ice cream and not return phone calls without consulting God, “The man of the house” first. I am an artist and by nature a very visual person. So I need to have a visual of what my God looks like and does, envisioning someone I share my life with and have to check in with works for me.

How did I find my Higher Power?
When I came into treatment for my eating disorder I did Step One of the 12 Steps which is “We admitted we were powerless over food and that our live had become unmanageable.” Which was completely true in my case, but you have to read my book for the details ;) My whole life including my food was one big terrifying mess and it was my management of my life that got me there. Doing Step1 helped me to do Step 2 which is, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Doing step 2 is a huge leap of faith for anyone. If you’re anything like me you tried to do everything in your power to stop your eating disorder yourself, you spent thousands of dollars on meds, doctors, dieticians and rehab, but when it came down to it the bridge between recovery and addiction was surrendering your life to God and BELIEVING that He could fix you. Sound a bit freaky? Yeah, I’m with you. It is freaky, but oddly…it works. Being humbled enough to say, “Show me a different way of thinking, being and living and show me how to do it.” Is a hard thing for someone with an addiction, but it also the most valuable tool needed to stop diseased behaviors.

What does it look like to have a Higher Power?
At first it’s very difficult to have a higher power. I found that I couldn’t do everything that I wanted, whenever I wanted and that was HARD! When I surrendered my whole life to God I surrender my meals, my time, my food, my faith, my friends, my family and my job to Him. My whole life is under His discretion. If I don’t want to eat a meal, I have to ask my Higher Power, “What should I do?” and my Higher Power usually says, “You need to nourish your body on a regular basis. Now lets go eat dinner.” If I’m dating a guy who I just feel awkward and stupid around, I ask God, “What do you think of him?” and God will say, “I think you deserve to be around someone who makes you shine.”God is the healthy and protective voice of self preservation that I wasn’t born with. He is a voice that I would be dead in a gutter without.

What is your Higher Power like?
My sponsor is a smart woman. She wanted to make sure I would be able to recognize Gods voice when He spoke, so she asked me to write and draw what my God is like. This is the God of my understating. My God….

1.) Thinks I am beautiful no matter what size I am.
2.) Never yells or gets angry with me. He is patient and kind to me.
3.) Thinks I am really funny and cute.
4.) Likes chocolate.
5.) Wears flip flops and kind of looks like a wise hippie.
6.) Is always really relaxed and calm and calms me down when I am overwhelmed.
7.) Wants me to marry a man who respects me and himself.
8.) Thinks I am smart and intelligent.
9.) Likes it when I help out other women suffering from Eating Disorders.
10.) Thinks all women are beautiful just the way they are.
11.) Listens to people share their stories and troubles.
12.) Stays in the moment.
13.) Wants me to use my talents for good.

For me, I wouldn’t have recovery if it wasn’t for my higher power. I do rely on a group of women when I feel anxious about food, I do consult a therapist when I am having trouble in life and I do journal and take care of myself, but none of that would be possible unless I had my higher power telling me to do those things. Before I was in recovery or had a Higher Power I did things according to my rules. It’s so much easier to follow God’s rules and live in God’s world. Because in God’s world, everyone is beautiful, everyone is smart and everyone is worthy of kindness and love no matter what their size. I prefer that world and that thinking over my own diseased thinking any day.

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Treatment, higher power

When I was active in my Eating Disorder the word "medium" was just about as bad as calling me F-A-T. Crazy, I know. But, for me I was only okay if I wore a "small" shirt or was able to soothe myself with seeing a "LARGE" A+ on an essay….I lived to hear people say, "you are the smallest girl I’ve ever seen" or you are the "BIGGEST help I've ever had." To me, medium stood for mediocre, good, but not great, nice, but definitely not the best. The voice of my Eating Disorder always told me, “If you can’t win, then don’t play.” That thinking works for a while, but for me I found as time went on it became impossible to be the smallest and LARGEST at everything. It started to hurt my relationships. When I saw another girl getting praised for her small body I would hate her for taking my spot. When someone else was given praise for their generosity at church or creativity at work I became jealous and distant from them.


Nevertheless I found that my quest to be the small or be the BEST at something didn’t come from a genuine place of me using say my writing skills, my compassion or my love for children…my quest to be small and the best was simply an avenue for me to quiet the voice of my Eating Disorder, because I thought, “When I am small enough and the BIGGEST success that voice that tells me I’m a piece of crap will finally go away.”

I started to see just how neurotic the voice of my ED was after a conversation I had with my friend Jessica who does not have an Eating Disorder. She asked me why I looked so sad and I told her, “I’m worried about my writing. I’m worried that I spend so much time everyday trying to perfect my craft and what if I never publish one of my books? What if I don’t ever make it on the New York Times Best Seller List? What if I never sell my work?” With a puzzled expression Jessica asked me, “Why are you trying to be the best? I mean I love to paint. I’ll paint until the day I die. I don’t care if my art never gets hung at the Louvre or if children don’t read about me in 100 years. I paint because I love it. I know you love writing, why don’t you just do it and stop worrying about other people reading it and just enjoy your art?” I was shocked by her words, “Just do it for the sake of doing it? Not be the best? Is she crazy? I HAVE TO BE THE BEST!”

But as time has gone on, as life in recovery has settled in I have discovered that I am actually a lot happier when I am not striving so hard to be the best or the smallest. I am more authentic in my writing, I’m not starving trying to be so tiny and I am not spread thin among projects trying to be Super Woman. I may not get as many compliments or all the praise that I was used to, but I guess I don’t need as much because I give it to myself, I don’t look for it from others.

Learning to live life like a “medium” is difficult. You have to give things a lot more thought, like, “Is it really healthy to stay up until 3am writing?” “Do I really need to knit 50 scarves for my friends and family for Christmas?” “Do I really need to only eat a latte for lunch?” I’ll admit it is uncomfortable at times to be a medium. American society focuses on the best and the shiniest. I may not always be the center of the focus and the praise, but I know that I don’t need to be in the center to matter and feel loved.

Love ya'all!
Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Therapist Newport Beach, Eating Disorders

When someone has cancer they perform surgery to try and remove 100% of the growth or do chemo and radiology until the patient is “Cancer –Free”. The time that the patient is cancer free is called “remission”. However, all cancer patients have been told that the growth could come back at any time; it’s kind of the luck of the draw. Eating Disorders are very much like cancer in the way that someone with an Eating Disorder can go inpatient, have extensive therapy and eat healthy balanced meals for 365 days straight, but at any time the Eating Disorder behaviors could flare up and relapse could happen. Eating Disorder Behaviors can take over the body out of nowhere, just like cancer.



The only way that it has been proven to keep women abstaining from their Eating Disorder behaviors is through weekly support groups like Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and ANAD. Just like a cancer patient who would weekly try to exercise, eat right and remove stress from their life an Eating Disordered woman in recovery has to not only exercise, eat right and remove stress, but she also must…


· Work with a Sponsor to keep her accountable


· Maintain a support group of women that she trusts and is close to, to lean on for guidance when she struggles with food or the stress of life.


· Be of service to a women who has less recovery than her so she can cultivate an attitude of empathy and altruism


· Attend weekly recovery meetings so she can share her stress and struggles


· Periodically visit a therapist to keep her honest with herself and focused on recovery


In my time in recovery and working in the Eating Disorder field I have met quite a few clients, parents and spouses who think that 90 days of intensive Eating Disorder in-patient treatment should do the trick. That all it takes is for their daughter or wife to just “learn how to eat” or “get that dark cloud away from her” and then she’ll be fine. I wish I could share with those loving family members how many women I see return to the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous and Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous after they had 5 or 10 years of recovery and just stopped participating in their recovery. They thought they could do it on their own and that they didn’t need to attend meeting or work with a sponsor to keep their behaviors in check. They were “cured.” Many, many, many women return to the rooms of OA and ABA in tears saying, “I thought it was gone.” “I thought I was cured.” “Why is it back?”


In all honesty, I was not a fan of the idea that I would need to make my recovery my top priority for the rest of my life. I said, “I don’t want some Sponsor telling me what to do and I have enough supportive friends, thank you very much.” But after a year of stomping my feet against the process I found that the people with the healthiest lives, with the smiles on their faces who actually liked themselves were the people who were dedicated to daily recovery.


Today, I know that my Eating Disorder if very much like cancer if not worse. I say that not to put cancer patients down in anyway, but just that I think in society if a cancer patient says, “My cancer came back” Most people think “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry.” Where when someone with an Eating Disorder relapses people tend to think, “Well what did YOU do wrong.” I know that there is a whole world out there of diets, detoxes, ads of under weight models; skinny celebrities and accepted eating disordered behaviors. I know that if I don’t keep my mind focused on recovery I can very easily be sucked back into a disease that will invade my whole body like cancer.


Recovery is a ton of work, but it is worth it to be Eating Disorder free and when we are Eating Disorder free we can help another woman struggling to join us as well.


Happy Recovery and Healing,


Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Anorexia is deadly, Bulimia, cancer, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

Filippa Hamilton is the former Ralph Lauren model featured here who was fired from Ralph Lauren for "being unable to fulfill her contract." Hamilton says, she was told that at 5'10 and 120 pounds she was too big to fit their clothes so they "let her go." The following picture is a Ralph Lauren ad of Hamilton that ran. It is obviously incredibly photoshopped as seeen in the proportion of her hips to her head, yet the advertisement ran. You can read more about the story here.

While I was thinking of something to blog about today, I was thinking of what was currently going on around me; Halloween is coming up, I live near a high school and teens are walking to school and I guess I'm just pondering all the pressure there is out there to be a teenager today. Then I thought of this story we discussed a few weeks ago at The Victorian. My boss Michele Lob brought it up and the whole staff gathered around the computer and looked at the photoshopped image of Hamilton. Considering that we are a group of dieticians, therapist, counselors and women in recovery from our own eating disorders we were of course appaulled. But, I wonder about the teenage girl who sees this ad and hasn't walked in our shoes. Does she see this ad and think this is normal? Does she see this ad and think thats what she should look like? I mean Ralph Lauren has a line of clothng for every gender and age. From babies to grandmas you can see that little polo player on anyone. So if a teen or even an adult woman or man sees a Ralph Lauren ad of a woman as emaciated as this one looks does that become their standard of dressing, style and beauty?

It's hard to be a teenager right now. You can't even celebrate Halloween without being expected to dress provacatively with a garter belt, fish nets and 4 inch skirt. I'm not gonna lie, I've done it in the past. But, when I think about why I did it I can honestly say because "everyone else was doing it." If everyone brings a sandwich for lunch in their brown paper bag I'm not gonna want my mom to pack me lasagna and if everyone is dressing like a revealing nurse for Halloween I'll want to dress that way too and I'll probably also want to look like the Ralph Lauren ad because, well isn't it normal too?

I have enough recovery from an Eating Disorder and knowledge about myself to know that what other people consider "normal" doesn't exactly make me happy or even a very nice person. If I was trying to become that Ralph Lauren model today I would probably do a liquid diet of coffee and soups and skip meals which equals "not happy." Then when I ran into my friends who were having lunch together and just enjoying the California sunshine I would probably be jealous that they got to eat food and I couldn't and I'd probably act passive aggressive with them and bitchy which equals "not nice." My point is I've had enough trial and error in my life to know that the "worlds normal" my "families normal" and "my normal" are all very different things.

Today I don't live by a magazines expectation of "looking good in jeans" or my anorexic friends idea of "a meal" today I live by whats going to make me a happy, healthy woman who can help other people recover from their eating disorders. Whatever that looks like is what I consider "normal." I challenge you to consider what the norms are in your life. Are you being true to yourself? Or are you living by someone elses expectations. It's an interesting thought.

xoxo,

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorder, Ralph Lauren model fired

When I came into recovery for my eating disorder I heard just about everyone from therapist, sponsors to other women in recovery tell me, "Don't date until you have a solid year of recovery." They explained that the recovery process is pretty dramatic in and of itself and adding a guy to the mix only adds to the already messy knot of emotions, food, uncomfortable situations and insecurities. But like any arrogant addict I blew off the words of the wise and went off dating as I pleased. My argument was that my case was definitely the exception to the rule. I had established boundaries with friends and family and I knew what I wanted from a relationship.

Like many others who date during their first year of recovery, my experience was not a good one. I discovered that even though I had good boundaries with the people I was close to, those boundaries became muddled when I was trying hard to get the approval of someone new. I also found that dating brought out my ED voice and made me hypersensitive and insecure on dates, which resulted in messy food at home. I kept doing and saying things that I wasn’t proud of and that my true self didn’t agree with. After talking out these relationships with sponsors and therapist, I agreed…I’m just not ready for relationships right now.

If I could give you a metaphor I would say dating in recovery is kind of like baking cupcakes. We all love cupcakes. They are cute, fun to look at and delicious to eat. But, if you take them out of the oven before their down cooking (and cooling) you know what will happen…a big goopy, disgusting mess that tastes like raw eggs and makes a mess all over your cute dress. Yup, that’s what dating in recovery is like. You put all this time, effort and energy into your recovery. You eat your 3 meals and 3 snacks, you go to meetings, you go to therapy, you do yoga and then you take a huge jump and go date the dude down the street and you’ve got a whole mess of tears, emotions, weird food and drama. Not so much fun (or cute.)

Whether or not we’ve had 5 minutes of recovery or 5 years of recovery we all have that voice inside us that tells us right from wrong. It’s our true self trying to get out. It’s our job to relentlessly pursue that voice until in manifests into our entire being. That’s what recovery is all about becoming who we truly want to be. Then eventually sharing that person with someone extra special and deserving of us.

Love you beautiful ladies,

Irvina

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Therapist Newport Beach, Eating Disorder Treatment

One of the things I despised hearing the most in recovery is that "Fat is not a feeling." I would argue with the therapist on the purple couch that "I really do feel fat! My waist, arms and even fingers feel fat don't tell me that what I'm feeling is not real!" But, alas after many relapses, diets, detoxes, support groups, journaling and visits to the infamous purple couch I have waived the white flag of surrender and do cross my heart and I definitely agree, "Fat is not a feeling."

What I know now that I didn't know then is that when I said "I feel fat" it was really my way of covering up a deeper feeling, a scary uncomfortable feeling that I just didn't like...well...."feeling." For instance I remember being very deep in my anorexia and going to a party with a bunch of friends. I was sitting at a table across from a guy who was trying to get to know me. I couldn't hear a word he was saying because I was so consumed with how uncomfortable I suddenly felt in my jeans. I felt like I had rolls hanging out. I felt that he was looking at how fat I was. I kept looking at all the other girls in the room and watching what they ate and how much. At the time I would have definitely have said, "I feel fat right now" What I couldn't say at the time was the truth that "I feel inadequate. Scared that I am not chill enough. Fearful that I am not pretty enough. I don’t feel funny enough or smart enough." But, those things are too hard to admit. Those things are too scary and are the things at the core of who I am as a person and that is scary stuff to touch. So instead I take a route that I think I can control...my weight and appearance. Because I may not be able to argue with you on how intelligent and funny you think I am, but you can't deny that I am a wearing double zero jeans.

After a couple years of recovery I still have moments when "I feel fat" but the beauty of that now is when I hear myself saying I'm fat I see that now as a signal to go deeper and see what’s really bothering me. Do I really feel uncomfortable in these shorts or do I really feel a lot of pressure to be perfect at work? Do I really need to lose 5 pounds or am I still upset about that look my sister gave me at Thanksgiving two days ago?

A widely held misconception of Eating Disorders is that they are rooted in vanity and self promotion. The truth is that they are the exact opposite, they are rooted in fear and inadequacy. An Eating Disorder is nothing but a symptom of the loss of self preservation, basically they are form of slow suicide.

I challenge everyone this week to really think about the events leading up to the moment you utter the words, "I feel fat." If you're anything like me you might hear that voice quite a bit, the trick is to start noticing it and shutting it down before it’s too late. In other words, there are a lot of women in rehab who "feel fat".

Thanks for letting me chit chat with you today! We're getting some other Victorian Staff on here to blog this week! Stay tuned for some amazing blogs!

Keep in Recovery!

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Diets, Feeling Fat, Rehab, The Victorian Newport Beach, Treatment

If you've never had an Eating Disorder then you don't know what it's like to try to stop having an Eating Disorder. And if you have never tried to stop having an Eating Disorder than it's pretty difficult to understand why those skinny anorexic girls won't "Just eat" or those bulimic chicks won't just "stop throwing up" or why that compulsive overeating gal can't "eat just one and stop." Let me put it this way, it is just as easy for them to stop as it is easy for you to breathe underwater.

And that is exactly what its like for us, breathing under water. It is physically impossible, no? You bet it is. The second you try to breathe your lungs are filled with water and you suffocate to death. The same happens to an anorexic when she tries to eat food. Her body starts to react as if she was drowning. Her adrenaline starts to rise. She goes into sensory overload and fills up with fear, she feels nauseous, anxious, angry, her pulse starts to race. She'll do anything in order to not allow that food into her body because if she does she believes she just might die. The same way you believe breathing under water just might kill you.

I bring this up today because it seems that relapses are the topic of discussion lately. Relapses are pretty common with eating disorders. Yet, are still looked upon with dissapointment and shame. I find that odd considering how that it is rare for any ED client to have a clean path from an eating disorder to a treatment facility and then to recovery. The majority of clients need to first learn how to even sit in the uncomfortable waters of recovery before they can even tread the water of it. But, for some reason everyone thinks that they should be able to go into treatment and miraculously be healed? Did you ride a two-wheel bike perfectly the first time you picked it up? Did you walk the tight rope without falling the first time you placed your foot on the rope? Did you surf a 20 foot wave the first time you picked up a board? Exactly. So why on earth would you expect to be able to eat like a normal person the first time you tried?

Eating Disorders are not like alcohol or drugs where you, "Just don't drink" and "Don't use." You have to see food EVERYDAY for the rest of your life. So mathematically there are millions of more opportunities to mess up. It is my personal opinion that relapses are common in the first year of recovery. Adopting a new way of life, a new way of thinking a new way of reacting is not easy, it is not fun, but one thing it is a ton of WORK!

Whether or not you're in your first year or first 4 years of recovery and are still having trouble relapsing I would say, "Recovery is a process." Try, try, try, pray, pray, pray, be honest, honest, honest and keep giving it up and it will eventually happen for you. It took me a full year of relapsing before I got a solid year of recovery. I learned just as much from my relapses as I did in my abstinence. The trick is to stay in meetings, stay connected to your treatment facility, keep calling your sponsor and never stop working the 12 steps. Abstinence does happen and it will happen for you too! I promise.

Keep swimming!

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Rehab, Relapse

At The Vic every woman gets a packet of assignments she is supposed to complete before exiting treatment. One of the assignments is a Goodbye Letter to ED. (If you haven't caught on yet "ED" is a nick name for an Eating Disorder. It's easier to identify ED as a person because of the loud voice it has in our head.) Anyways, this is one of my FAVORITE letters to ED that I have ever read. One of our clients wrote it and with her permission she has okayed me to publish it here (she actually wanted me to put her name with it! Hows that for PROUD recovery?) Here it is...

Dear Liar,
I must write you this letter so that you completely understand what I intend to do about our relationship.You have been an important part of my life from the very start, and you were the best tool i had to keep me from understanding the pain i felt deep inside. You've been with me through thick and thin, deep and shallow water. You helped me get where I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful. Without you none of this may have happened. Who knows what could have happened? Only God knows, and thats precisely why she gave you to me, to be where I am now, getting rid of you. To me you were a message, a challenge, and a life lesson. This is why I must be sincere, clear, and completely thorough. You have been a curse, and somewhat of a blessing. What you did to me was so physically and emotionally damaging. I felt like you wanted me to die a slow and painful death, I felt like you wanted to make me the scum of the earth, a miserable woman without a heart or a soul. Thank you for showing me this. You've shown me how deep and broken your sadistic world is, you whispered lie after lie until suddenly my entire world was fabricated. You raped me and abused me, made me dance on the strings tied to your finger tips. You were always so angry. That rage in you created a rage in me. A fury that I will never ever forget. You were all I ever knew for so long, but i've asked god to help me deal with you now. She gave you to me so that I could see the infinite and amazing power I hold. Know that I know God, she is helping me remove you from my thoughts, my actions, and my life.

I cannot trust you anymore, only god. I've decided there is a new way for me to live happy, joyous, and free, and that is surrendering my will to God, your will, and everything else that is beyond my control. Liar, you are no longer invited into my thoughts, or welcome into my life. You do not control me anymore. I refuse to believe any of your grandeous ideas, they are all lies. You cannot hurt me anymore. I've found someone else. Someone much bigger, and much more powerful than you. Someone who fills me up with love instead of hate. I'm sorry liar, but there just isnt room for you anymore, we're through. thank you for showing me pain, because without that i wouldnt know how to love.

Love,

An Awesome, Amazing Victorian Client

Aint she a rockstar?

Strength in Recovery,

Love, Irvina

Labels: Alumni, Anorexia, Binging, Body Dysmorphia, Bulimia, California Rehab, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorders, Newport Beach Eating Disorder, Purging, Treatment, Womens rehab

My name is Irvina and I am an Anorexic, Bulimic, Compulsive Overeater and support staff at The Victorian House in Newport Beach, California. The Victorian House is a rehab for women with Eating Disorders and Chemical addictions.

If I could describe the "The Vic" in one word it would be "Integrity."

If you were to visit the house you wouldn't find locks on the refrigerator doors or a security guard at the front gate preventing people from leaving, like you see in other rehabs. You would find a house filled with people willing to support women in their recovery. No one MUST finish their meal, MUST attend a meeting or MUST work the 12 steps. We let our clients make choices, they reap the rewards and or consequences. We are open, direct and loving when we see behaviors that do not match up with integrity, but we always stand firm that we are a source of support, but the healing can only be done by the client. Healing from an eating disorder is an inside job. No rehab, therapist, anti-depressant or money can buy you healing, but a person WILLING to heal can find recovery and many, many have.

The Victorian houses six women at a time and walks with them on their journey of recovery. Some stay for as short as 30 days and others stay as long as 9 months. As well, we have a step down facility called "The Lido Track" that allows women to do life but still utilize the support needed.

This blog will be a source of recovery for Victorian Alumni, potential Victorian clients and any other women in recovery or seeking recovery from her eating disorder. We will discuss all topics eating disorder related, from body dysmorphia to cross addictions and self-care. We hope this blog will be a source of healing and understanding about yourself and your disease. I am looking forward to blogging here! I love to write so you'll be hearing a mouthful from me. There will also be other doctors, therapists, dieticians, staff and alumni writing on this blog. It will be a ecclectic group all focused on recovery. Check back soon for a new post.

Happy Recovery,
Irvina

Labels: Alumni, Anorexia, Body Dysmorphia, Bulimia