Eating Disorders Recovery Blog

I am so honored to share the following Recovery Testimonial by Victorian Alumni, Christina Duncan Collins. Christina left the Victorian House about a month ago. Having worked with her during her recovery makes this story so valuable to me. To hear Christina talk about what her life used to be like and what it's like now can only be summed up as miraculous and magical.



instead of getting to my classes. The overwhelming degradation that never ceased to
exist, seemed to always land me in another secret, another lie, another trip to the liquor
store; the shame coincided with the deep depression Iʼd foregone addressing over the
years, and somewhere along the line Iʼd seemed to have accepted that there was no
longer a way out of the deep seeded hole of this eating disorder that I didnʼt even acknowledge
anymore; my pained existence had become a form of warped normalcy.

Before I came to treatment, I recall feeling helpless, pathetic, depressed, guilty, ashamed,
humiliated, desolate, vacant, numb, and I am most certain that the light in my eyes had
been gone for quite some time.

Iʼd reached the end of the line, my lowest of lows; it didnʼt seem that my life could have
gone to shit any more than if someone was trying to singlehandedly destroy it; I had already
done that with no one else to blame but myself. In variant forms of self sabotage,
Iʼd wreaked havoc so thoroughly into my life and my own sense of being, that Iʼd become
far too sick--body, mind, and spirit--to come out of this repulsively base, melancholy
tenebrosity; I was blind, sick, weak, and I knew I needed help. I never wanted to
die, though Iʼd come close several times, hospital wristbands kept as reminders; I luckily
always managed to hold on to that little bit of hope we all look to in times of need.

As my substance abuse issues had functioned primarily as tools for my eating disordered
way of life, I found the black and white nature of sobriety much easier to handle; it
was almost a relief to be sleeping restlessly or not at all for that first month, anything not
to feel continuously anymore like I was dying before nodding off. The eating disorder, on
the other hand, had become a masochistic means of coping that, despite all reason,
had given me a sense of safety, what I learnedly turned to at the young age of six, as
my eating went from odd to restrictive to fucking abnormal; by the age of seven, eating
was no longer a necessity, but rather an outlet for me to manifest my need of power,
control, beauty, love, and validation that was never received as a child.

I came to treatment, went straight to detox for the night, had purged all day even when
itʼd come down to stomach acids & bile, and decided my day 1 of recovery would begin
as soon as I arrived at The Victorian. I think I had initially expected to be staying in a
place where I wouldnʼt be able to act on any of my eating disorder behaviors, that staff
would magically know when I threw up or when I was lying; in other words, I thought Iʼd
been sent to a place where I wouldnʼt have to be working wholeheartedly for my recovery,
that the staff would be crutches to hold me up. I was acting out in my eating disorder
for the first month of treatment, with the mindset that I was helping myself the way I
“needed” and kept the majority of it a secret, only divulging brief nuances of strife; truth
be told, I was struggling so immensely, that I could share maybe a quarter of my contention
and sound like I was telling the full truth, little bits being so thoroughly entwined in
ugly details and misery.

After finally coming to the realization of choice, that Iʼd chosen to get the help I needed
and was still keeping secrets in the belief that I knew what was best--which had overtly
failed in past trials--that I was still very sick and if I didnʼt let it be known the garishness
of my disease, Iʼd leave 90 days later with the same issues to settle; I was choosing to
let my chance of recovery from my eating disorder dissipate and diminish day after day.
I made a vow to tell the whole truth, when I wanted to purge, when I was struggling to
eat, when I was obsessing about exercise and calories, when I wanted to sneak into the
kitchen to binge & purge, when Iʼd given in to the repulsive voices in my head & sneak
off to the bathroom to throw up. I remember new girls arriving at The Victorian a month
or more after me, picking up chips of abstinence, and feeling embarrassed for having
been in treatment for twice as long and not being able to say the same if not more about
my progress.

Just after Christmas and into the new year, I was struggling immensely; after gaining
just over 10 days of abstinence, the longest Iʼd had in nine years, I relapsed, and there
were days I claimed myself sick, sleeping through days and only seeing the light of day
to smoke a cigarette. The word “choice” stuck out to me yet again; essentially, my recovery
was dependent on the choices I decided for myself, and just because I was in
treatment didnʼt mean Iʼd come out cured, healthy, happy, or even abstinent; I knew I
didnʼt want my disease, and the program showed me that I no longer had to suffer, mulling
the bane of my diseaseʼs existence, so I made a second vow to get on my feet again
and continue the work despite all contrary thoughts in knowing my health had yet to be
regained.

 However, the next day was treatment team, and staff had assessed that I
needed to be moved to a higher level of care to get some time not purging, to be
watched around the clock. I understood each concern, but remained distraught in that
Iʼd finally been getting real and honest with myself; my determination to overcome the
past obstacles and following hurdles led me to take a stand for myself, and I signed yet
another behavioral contract to resume my treatment at The Victorian, not going down
without a fight of course. I stayed true to what Iʼd signed, knowing wholeheartedly from
the start that I would in fact prove everyone wrong; my head and my heart were finally
on the same page.

It took me a long while to realize that I was at The Victorian so they could teach me how
to walk again; essentially, it wasnʼt going to help me if everyone was just trying to hold
me up to keep me from falling down; I needed to be re-taught, re-trained, and that light
in me had to be rejuvenated. I learned that Iʼm not automatically a burden, I can ask for
help when I need it, that my voice is amazing, and paramountly that I am beautiful. The
tools I acquired in treatment allowed me to take back my life, and really begin living it
again. I still live by my Socratian oath to “always question authority,” but I know to no
longer bend it to extremes of overriding my own principles and values that Iʼd seemingly
discarded of long ago.

Exactly 153 days after my intake date at The Victorian of Newport Beach, I can definitely
say that light is back, and what a long strange trip itʼs been. Not to say every day isnʼt a
struggle, because it certainly is, but the difference is the rejuvenation Iʼve gained
throughout my entire treatment process--mind, body, and spirit--thatʼs given me the
freedom in my life that I felt so far from before. Itʼs been countless years since Iʼve been
able to feel, sit with my feelings, be present, equate my life to opportunities and happiness
rather than doom, and simply feel like myself again.

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

So when I am not writing this fabulous Eating Disorder Recovery blog and facilitating meeting at The Victorian I work at an Art School, teaching art to kids ages 3 to 18. Since a lot of the parents know that I work in the Eating Disorder field they like to double check with me that the way they are raising their daughter is kosher and she will end up "Eating Disorder Free".

As much as I would love to tell them the exact way to parent their child to avoid an Eating Disorder that is impossible. Eating Disorders have been proven to be a psychological disease and genetically predisposed from birth. However, the environment the child is raised in can have an affect on the severity of the Eating Disorder. Thus, the questions from my students parents flood in. One I got last week was very interesting to me. One mother asked me, "I tell my 2 year old she is 'so beautiful' probably 15 times a day. That's okay right?"

I think this is a great question and the answer is Yes and No. Yes, in that every child does build self esteem knowing that their parents think they are beautiful and attractive. Esspecially at the age of 2 a child considers a parents words to be gospel, telling a child they are beautiful is a positive thing because it builds their sense of self in a positive direction.

Where this can go wrong is if the parent doesn't give equal importance of being beautiful to being smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, a good friend or friendly. Children need to learn that besides their beauty they have worth in multiple other areas as a human being.

I would encourage parents that for every time you tell your child, "You are beautiful" you also look for opportunities to tell them, "You are so kind. I love being around you!"

Have a great week!
Love, Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Eating Disorder Treatment

At the Victorian House we use the 12 Steps used in Alcoholics Anonymous for Eating Disorder Recovery. The Victorian women attend Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous Meetings and Overeaters Anonymous Meetings, where the 12 Steps are practiced and taught. Everyone on staff at the Victorian understands and implements the 12 Steps with clients as well. But, do the 12 Steps really work for Eating Disorders?


To answer that question we have to be on the same level of understanding. As trained professionals who treat Eating Disorders we treat it as a disease, like diabetes or a heart condition. If someone is diagnosed with diabetes they will have to treat it for the rest of their life. We see Eating Disorders in the same way, our client has a disease that they will have for the rest of their life, it’s our job to teach them how to cope and care for themselves. Like someone with diabetes who takes insulin daily, people with Eating Disorders have to work on their recovery, daily. Because Eating Disorders are a disease of the mind, a 12 Step program works well because the program is structured under mental, physical and spiritual recovery. Participants are encouraged to be held accountable to a sponsor, share their struggles and triumphs in a group format, journal and reflect on their actions. A 12 Step program is a lifestyle of living opposite of addiction. The biggest difference is the amount of accountability the members hold each other to.

But, lets say (like many women who come into the Victorian house very sick and resistant say) that “12 Step just isn’t for me. I can do recovery on my own with a therapist.” Would that work just as well?

As much as I would love to say that, “There are different strokes for different folks” I have been around the 12 Step rooms for Eating Disorders for quite some time now and I have repeatedly found handfulls of women who come in every week sharing stories like this:
“I went into treatment. I had 3 years of recovery…I thought I didn’t need a 12 step group…..I didn’t throw up for 3 whole years….Then I started studying for my nursing exams and POW…My bulimia was back.”

Or:

“I had 5 years of recovery. I worked with a therapist and dietician monthly. I was so sure I would never binge again that I would have given you my right arm. I didn’t think I needed meetings…then BANG out of nowhere I became Anorexic all of the sudden…I thought after 5 years I was done with all of this nonsense!”

This repeating tape leads me to believe that there really is something that works in the 12 Step programs. The people who maintain their attendance in 12 Step meetings more often than not maintain their abstinence and grow stronger against their Eating Disorder.
The bottom line is recovery from an Eating Disorder is a lifelong process. You don’t put someone in rehab for 9 months and expect them to walk out a recovered person without a trace of Eating Disorder on them. I like to refer to an Eating Disorder as cancer…it is always in remission. You never know when it’s going to strike back again. I believe one is better off maintaining a lifestyle of recovery in a 12 Step program so they are stronger to battle ED when he comes knocking again.

Whether or not you choose to participate in a 12 Step group or work with a therapist and dietician for the rest of your life, recovery is inevitably a life long process. The Victorian believes that the road to recovery is a process full of milestones and failures, there is something to learn from every experience good and bad. If you’re struggling to find what works for you I encourage you to listen to the voice inside you and always BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
Love,
Irvina

Labels: Anorexia information, Bulimia treatment, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Rehab for Eating Disorders

Just this past week The Victorian Recovery Rocks – Alumni Group had, Lindsay Elliot PsYD, MFT come and be a guest speaker at our Sunday night meeting here at the Victorian House. Dr.Elliot chose to speak to the women about staying present and how that affects their recovery. She started by point blank asking the woman, “Who doesn’t want to be here?” Three raised their hands, Dr.Elliott then spoke to each one and asked them, “What would you rather be doing?” she then went on to ask them, “How does wanting to be somewhere else affect what you are doing now?” The point of this exercise was to have those women observe their thoughts of feelings.


This detachment from their feelings makes it easier to engage in harmful eating disorder behaviors because they have no thought connection to the binging and starving. They think, I want to be thin…don’t eat…exercise…don’t eat…exercise…” They never get the opportunity to pause and say, “Hey what is going on in this moment in my life. WHY do I want to be thin?” Eventually clients find that the lack of food or excess means something greater than their feeling at the moment.

After living in the NOW is used daily to combat eating disorder thoughts in can also be used to help clients discover who they really are. Many clients come in to Eating Disorder treatment and discover that they are a completely different person than they thought they were. Sometimes they have a new favorite color or favorite band, some even dabble with the thought of a new occupation. It’s the act of being still, listening to their inner dialogue that they are able to discover themselves and heal.

Staying in the NOW allows an Eating Disorder patient to be mindful of her feelings. To center herself and find what kind of role she want to play in the world she lives in.

xoxo Irvina

Labels: Anorexia rehab, Bulimia treatment, compulsive overeating help, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Treatment

Eating Disorders are not a disease of vanity, self absorbtion or an aversion to food, they are a disease of the mind. For a person without an Eating Disorder addiction it is normal to have some feelings of insecurity when "Keeping up with Jones'" It's the human condition to look around and ask, "Where do I measure up?" "Where can I improve?" But, for a woman or man with an Eating Disorder the question isn't "Where do I measure up?" It's "Am I the BEST?" If we are not the BEST, we honestly, hate ourselves and we cope with putting the focus and attention on our bodies.

Research has proven that women with Anorexia Nervosa have IQ scores between 120 and 140 (Thats pretty stinkin' high) Obviously it is in the genetic disposition of these clients to be naturally high achievers. The goal in Eating Disorder treatment is to take that drive for perfection and channel it into a healthy avenue that looks like a "Perfectly Imperfect Life." Now, to you, maybe you're a parent or a concerned loved one you think, "Well duh. Life isn't perfect. That sounds simple. I'll teach my girl that myself." If that's your stance then I have two words for you: "Good Luck." I have worked in the Eating Disorder field for about 2 years now and I have experienced an ED myself. If there is something I know about "us" it's that this relinquishing of perfection and constant comparing takes a lifetime of recovery work.

At the Victorian we talk about being the best "Phoebe, Chloe, Liz and Irvina you can be." Doing our personal best each day and being patient with ourselves. More times than not this new way of thinking sounds repulsive to clients, I remember one client insisting, "NO! I have to be the BEST! I won't settle for the best me! I want to be THE BEST!" As she broke down in sobs.

As a woman in recovery, the thing that I have to remember about being the "BEST" is that because I have a voice in my head called "ED" my best will never be good enough. Once I accomplish straight A's, I'll be told "Anyone can do that. Wheres your 7 figure job?" Once I have the job I'll be told, "Everyone can make money. Wheres your husband?" Then I'll have him and I'll be told, "He's not much....she has a better husband...you should get a new one." The comparing, the achieving, the having never lets up with an ED. Thats why it takes a lifetime of recovery, meetings, a support group of friends who understand and periodic therapy.

I think that because Eating Disorders are so taboo in the media and not many people know that they are indeed an addiction, it seems as if a woman should just learn to "eat again and move on with her life." Hmmm...the women I know who have done that have come back after 8 years asking for help again because they thought the bulimia and starvation was gone. This disease is stuck in between the crevices and the corners of our brain. It's always waiting to pounce on us and take us down and kill us, like drugs and alcohol. That is the nature of the disease to kill us. I'm not trying to sound dark and dramatic, I guess I'm just trying to relate how something as simple as the act of comparing my body to your body can send me into a tail spin. That if I let myself look at how awesome your job and boyfriend are and then look at my single self I might come up short and then want to starve over my feelings of insecurity. So whats the solution? 1.) Meetings: Where I can say, "Hey I think I suck cause she looks cute in that dress. Is that normal?" 2.) A new way of thinking: Remembering that I am on my path and you are on yours. Sometimes I'll be in a sunnier spot and sometimes you will be, but it's my job to focus on my path, not yours.

I pray that whoever you are who is reading this blog that you learn to not compare yourself to others. That you appreciate yourself and explore your uniqueness and gifts and utilize them to the best of YOUR ability.

Much love,

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia is deadly, Bulimia, California Rehab, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery

Valentines Day is coming…. And though the moans and sighs of Victorian clients fill the house, there is some wisdom amongst the women without a partner to share the lovers holiday with. I have seen the women rally around each other and finding the positive side of being in Eating Disorder treatment over the holiday. Many note that being in treatment will make them a better wife, girlfriend and mother in the long run. Treatment allows them the opportunity to love deeper and better.

As I hear the women talk I am reminded of an old adage, “Before you can love anyone else, you must first love yourself.” The first time I heard this was when I was about 17. These words sounded like a foreign language to me. I envisioned myself on a football field, all suited up and ready to play, but before I could even step on the field the referee stopped me before I ever touched the sidelines with the prerequisite, “You must love yourself first, BEFORE you can step on the field and play.” Up until that point I had always believed that love was an open game for anyone to play, that is anyone who had the “courage” to play.

Since the first time I have heard this saying about loving yourself first, I have learned that courage definitely is necessary to love, but the courage must be rooted in a deep love to love yourself through thick and thin. The best way I can paint this picture is with a high school. All high school teenagers go through a phase of insecurity, self doubt and confusion. While they are trying to figure out where they belong amongst cheerleaders and the artsy crew, they cling to their close friends for reassurance and praise that they do in deed have a place to belong. I’m sure all of us remember “cliques” in high school. Not loving yourself first is like being a hormonal teenager in a clique. You cling to a group or best friend to validate you, define you and give you purpose. Eventually though we all learn that our best friends are flawed too. That just because they are in our clique doesn’t make them infalliable. This realization that our clique isn't perfect sends us into a tail spin, that we aren't safe in the world any longer.

The truth is when you love yourself you can step out of a clique and say, “Wow, I’m not as loud as a cheerleader. I’m not as deep as the drama kids. I’m not as charismatic as the ASB president. In honesty, I’m a talented individual who can make great tea pots with clay, I’m an average student, but I’m a kind person and I’m a great friend and I draw well with pastels. And now that I see that I am not perfect I can also see that other people aren’t perfect. I can see where I have a temper, insecurity and fear and I still love myself for that. I don’t need anyone’s validation that I am smart or pretty enough, because I know that I am just fine where I am. When we get to this spot of accepting ourselves and not clinging to anything or anyone to keep us safe we can freely and openly love people. We can see our partners for their weaknesses and flaws and say, I know you’re not perfect and I know I’m not perfect, but I still love you and I still love me.

In all honesty I think it’s actually harder to love yourself than to love another person. Because at the end of the day we know our flaws. We know where we are ignorant, rude and inconsiderate. The hard thing is to be able to look at ourselves honestly and say, “I know you’re not perfect and I still LOVE you.” When we can do that for ourselves we can honestly and sincerely grow close to other people. We can see where they are not perfect and instead of being disappointed or critical of them we can instead relate to that imperfection and in turn say, “I know you’re not perfect, but I still LOVE you.”

Happy Valentines to all! May you love much and well this year and may you most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
 
xoxo,
Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating disorder recovery, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

Happy New Year everyone! I am writing to you today from India! Just another one of the "mobile" blessings of blogging. I have been here for the past two weeks and have been profoundly moved by the Indian women here in Tenali, a small region of India here in Andarha Pradesh. I came here on a mission trip with a group of people to serve the Harvest India orphans,  elderly, leapors and women rescued from sex trafficking. Considering that the empowerment of women is of great importance to me I asked quite a few questions about the women rescued from sex trafficking. I knew that this kind of traumatic experience would lead a woman to self harming behaviors like eating disorders. I asked around if these women were exhibiting eating disorder behaviors? The answer was an undoubted, "Yes". My next question was "Well, do they have therapist or support groups in the area?" The answer was a solemn, "No".

It has been explained to me that in the culture of India women are considered to be "worthless". As a whole the culture does not believe that women deserve dignity and respect, therefore when it comes down to trying to do therapy or counseling with these women the message doesn't translate into this culture. The way they see it, "If I am worthless why should I talk about my feelings? What purpose does it serve to say I deserve respect if I demand it and no one gives it?"

Thankfully there is research being done on how to translate this message of "self worth" to these women rescued out of sex trafficking. But, until this goal is accomplished, until these women understand that what has been done to them is undeserved I feel the darkness of this reality in a painful way. I guess I just remember getting therapy for my own Eating Disorder and thinking how foreign the concept was that I "deserved" to nourish my body. It makes me sick to think that the women I saw with beautiful smiles wearing colorful saree's and clutching small children won't grasp that concept for a very long time.

On the flip side, I have a tremendous amount of gratitude on the subject. If it wasn't for the compassion of women in recovery from Eating Disorders, violence, rape or sex trafficking who would care to help these women? I have always found it moving that without women willing to get recovery there would be no group of Overeaters Anonymous or Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. It is with each woman who goes into Eating Disorder Recovery that we give the gift of recovery to another woman. The world is a place of great tragedy and great beauty. I know that this year I am going to try my best to be apart of the beauty, the recovery and the healing, I hope you all do too. Happy New Year 2010!

Love,

Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab

When I was active in my Eating Disorder the word "medium" was just about as bad as calling me F-A-T. Crazy, I know. But, for me I was only okay if I wore a "small" shirt or was able to soothe myself with seeing a "LARGE" A+ on an essay….I lived to hear people say, "you are the smallest girl I’ve ever seen" or you are the "BIGGEST help I've ever had." To me, medium stood for mediocre, good, but not great, nice, but definitely not the best. The voice of my Eating Disorder always told me, “If you can’t win, then don’t play.” That thinking works for a while, but for me I found as time went on it became impossible to be the smallest and LARGEST at everything. It started to hurt my relationships. When I saw another girl getting praised for her small body I would hate her for taking my spot. When someone else was given praise for their generosity at church or creativity at work I became jealous and distant from them.


Nevertheless I found that my quest to be the small or be the BEST at something didn’t come from a genuine place of me using say my writing skills, my compassion or my love for children…my quest to be small and the best was simply an avenue for me to quiet the voice of my Eating Disorder, because I thought, “When I am small enough and the BIGGEST success that voice that tells me I’m a piece of crap will finally go away.”

I started to see just how neurotic the voice of my ED was after a conversation I had with my friend Jessica who does not have an Eating Disorder. She asked me why I looked so sad and I told her, “I’m worried about my writing. I’m worried that I spend so much time everyday trying to perfect my craft and what if I never publish one of my books? What if I don’t ever make it on the New York Times Best Seller List? What if I never sell my work?” With a puzzled expression Jessica asked me, “Why are you trying to be the best? I mean I love to paint. I’ll paint until the day I die. I don’t care if my art never gets hung at the Louvre or if children don’t read about me in 100 years. I paint because I love it. I know you love writing, why don’t you just do it and stop worrying about other people reading it and just enjoy your art?” I was shocked by her words, “Just do it for the sake of doing it? Not be the best? Is she crazy? I HAVE TO BE THE BEST!”

But as time has gone on, as life in recovery has settled in I have discovered that I am actually a lot happier when I am not striving so hard to be the best or the smallest. I am more authentic in my writing, I’m not starving trying to be so tiny and I am not spread thin among projects trying to be Super Woman. I may not get as many compliments or all the praise that I was used to, but I guess I don’t need as much because I give it to myself, I don’t look for it from others.

Learning to live life like a “medium” is difficult. You have to give things a lot more thought, like, “Is it really healthy to stay up until 3am writing?” “Do I really need to knit 50 scarves for my friends and family for Christmas?” “Do I really need to only eat a latte for lunch?” I’ll admit it is uncomfortable at times to be a medium. American society focuses on the best and the shiniest. I may not always be the center of the focus and the praise, but I know that I don’t need to be in the center to matter and feel loved.

Love ya'all!
Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Therapist Newport Beach, Eating Disorders

When someone has cancer they perform surgery to try and remove 100% of the growth or do chemo and radiology until the patient is “Cancer –Free”. The time that the patient is cancer free is called “remission”. However, all cancer patients have been told that the growth could come back at any time; it’s kind of the luck of the draw. Eating Disorders are very much like cancer in the way that someone with an Eating Disorder can go inpatient, have extensive therapy and eat healthy balanced meals for 365 days straight, but at any time the Eating Disorder behaviors could flare up and relapse could happen. Eating Disorder Behaviors can take over the body out of nowhere, just like cancer.



The only way that it has been proven to keep women abstaining from their Eating Disorder behaviors is through weekly support groups like Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous and ANAD. Just like a cancer patient who would weekly try to exercise, eat right and remove stress from their life an Eating Disordered woman in recovery has to not only exercise, eat right and remove stress, but she also must…


· Work with a Sponsor to keep her accountable


· Maintain a support group of women that she trusts and is close to, to lean on for guidance when she struggles with food or the stress of life.


· Be of service to a women who has less recovery than her so she can cultivate an attitude of empathy and altruism


· Attend weekly recovery meetings so she can share her stress and struggles


· Periodically visit a therapist to keep her honest with herself and focused on recovery


In my time in recovery and working in the Eating Disorder field I have met quite a few clients, parents and spouses who think that 90 days of intensive Eating Disorder in-patient treatment should do the trick. That all it takes is for their daughter or wife to just “learn how to eat” or “get that dark cloud away from her” and then she’ll be fine. I wish I could share with those loving family members how many women I see return to the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous and Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous after they had 5 or 10 years of recovery and just stopped participating in their recovery. They thought they could do it on their own and that they didn’t need to attend meeting or work with a sponsor to keep their behaviors in check. They were “cured.” Many, many, many women return to the rooms of OA and ABA in tears saying, “I thought it was gone.” “I thought I was cured.” “Why is it back?”


In all honesty, I was not a fan of the idea that I would need to make my recovery my top priority for the rest of my life. I said, “I don’t want some Sponsor telling me what to do and I have enough supportive friends, thank you very much.” But after a year of stomping my feet against the process I found that the people with the healthiest lives, with the smiles on their faces who actually liked themselves were the people who were dedicated to daily recovery.


Today, I know that my Eating Disorder if very much like cancer if not worse. I say that not to put cancer patients down in anyway, but just that I think in society if a cancer patient says, “My cancer came back” Most people think “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry.” Where when someone with an Eating Disorder relapses people tend to think, “Well what did YOU do wrong.” I know that there is a whole world out there of diets, detoxes, ads of under weight models; skinny celebrities and accepted eating disordered behaviors. I know that if I don’t keep my mind focused on recovery I can very easily be sucked back into a disease that will invade my whole body like cancer.


Recovery is a ton of work, but it is worth it to be Eating Disorder free and when we are Eating Disorder free we can help another woman struggling to join us as well.


Happy Recovery and Healing,


Irvina

Labels: Anorexia, Anorexia is deadly, Bulimia, cancer, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Rehab, Eating Disorder Treatment

Last night I met with one of my Sponsee’s at Alta Coffee in Newport Beach. She was telling me about a difficult visit from her mom. She found it triggering to stick to her meal plan and eat nutritiously while her mom barely ate and restricted her food. I can’t blame her, if the person who is supporting her treatment and recovery from her eating disorder displays Eating Disordered behavior why would she want to stick to her meal plan? Unfortunately this one trigger is just one of the millions of triggers that lay ahead of my sponsee on here road to recovery. The facts are that we live in a very “Pro-Eating Disorder Society” where dieting, cutting carbs and over exercising is not only acceptable, but praised. So the question is “How does one maintain and grow away from their eating disorder when everyone around them is pushing them back towards it?

The answer I had for my sponsee was fairly simple, “You could very well toss out your meal plan and just go back to not eating. And if you did eat you could always purge it. There’s no one physically stopping you so why wouldn’t you do it? I’ll tell you why, because you know where the road of starvation takes you. Starving, binging and purging leaves you out of control without a job, a college drop-out, a victim of rape, depressed, angry and alone. The people around us who are active in their eating disorders are not happy people. They are terribly frightened that they aren’t good enough so they starve themselves to be good enough, but unfortunately it is never enough. If starving, binging and purging was the answer to happiness than there would be no rehabs or eating disordered therapist. No one who starves, restricts, binges and purges is a happy person. It’s your choice. You can participate in your eating disorder and compete with people in theirs or you can start taking care of your body and having integrity over it.”
There is a saying in the recovery world, “You can spot it, if you got it.” It means that you can see other peoples eating disorders because you yourself have an eating disorder. I am all too aware of peoples behavior around food and exercise and it does a lot of the time make me angry to see people active in an Eating Disorder. I see the anger as a good thing though, I’m not angry that I choose not to participate in their disease, I am angry that there is a disease controlling the people around me and they don’t know it. They don’t know how dangerous an eating disorder is. How small and lonely your life can become with it. When I think about that I then feel a bit of sympathy for the people struggling and still trying to figure it out. I say a little prayer that they’ll figure out soon that a size zero won’t guarantee you a husband, awesome friends or a six figure job and that I pray that I remember that too.
Xoxo,
Irvina

Labels: Eating Disorder Help

When I came into recovery for my eating disorder I heard just about everyone from therapist, sponsors to other women in recovery tell me, "Don't date until you have a solid year of recovery." They explained that the recovery process is pretty dramatic in and of itself and adding a guy to the mix only adds to the already messy knot of emotions, food, uncomfortable situations and insecurities. But like any arrogant addict I blew off the words of the wise and went off dating as I pleased. My argument was that my case was definitely the exception to the rule. I had established boundaries with friends and family and I knew what I wanted from a relationship.

Like many others who date during their first year of recovery, my experience was not a good one. I discovered that even though I had good boundaries with the people I was close to, those boundaries became muddled when I was trying hard to get the approval of someone new. I also found that dating brought out my ED voice and made me hypersensitive and insecure on dates, which resulted in messy food at home. I kept doing and saying things that I wasn’t proud of and that my true self didn’t agree with. After talking out these relationships with sponsors and therapist, I agreed…I’m just not ready for relationships right now.

If I could give you a metaphor I would say dating in recovery is kind of like baking cupcakes. We all love cupcakes. They are cute, fun to look at and delicious to eat. But, if you take them out of the oven before their down cooking (and cooling) you know what will happen…a big goopy, disgusting mess that tastes like raw eggs and makes a mess all over your cute dress. Yup, that’s what dating in recovery is like. You put all this time, effort and energy into your recovery. You eat your 3 meals and 3 snacks, you go to meetings, you go to therapy, you do yoga and then you take a huge jump and go date the dude down the street and you’ve got a whole mess of tears, emotions, weird food and drama. Not so much fun (or cute.)

Whether or not we’ve had 5 minutes of recovery or 5 years of recovery we all have that voice inside us that tells us right from wrong. It’s our true self trying to get out. It’s our job to relentlessly pursue that voice until in manifests into our entire being. That’s what recovery is all about becoming who we truly want to be. Then eventually sharing that person with someone extra special and deserving of us.

Love you beautiful ladies,

Irvina

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana

Labels: Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive Overeating, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Help, Eating Disorder Therapist Newport Beach, Eating Disorder Treatment