Eating Disorder Help

When someone asks you to Sponsor them it means they see something in your recovery that they want themselves. Therefore I always consider it an honor when a woman asks me to Sponsor her in her eating disorder recovery. Sponsoring requires a commitment of giving time and energy. Over the years I have made some mistakes as a Sponsor. Learning from my mistakes I have learned that setting up the proper foundation and boundaries is pivotal to both my own and my Sponsee’s recovery. Today I’d like to share how I approach the Sponsor/Sponsee relationship.

1^st – Email – I give the Sponsee my email address and ask them to email me what they would like from a sponsor .

2^nd – Coffee – At coffee we discuss the list they have made. I let them know what I can and can not do. For instance, I let them know, “Yes, I can call you back within 48 hours.” I also let them know, no I can not help them with their meal plan.

3^rd – Sponsorship – Once we are on the same page and lay out what we each need and want Sponsorship begins.

Below I have laid out what I require of my Sponsee’s and what I’am willing to give as a Sponsor. I have found these guidelines to be very helpful in the Sponsoring process.

Your Job as a Sponsee

·         WRITE - down what you want in a Sponsor

·         PICK A DATE- and stick to it (*We both establish a date)

·         PICK AN ABSTINENCE- and stick to it (*We both establish an abstinence)

·         WORK- the steps

My Job as a Sponsor

·         I HELP YOU apply the steps to your life

·         MEETING UP- I do not set up regular times to meet with Sponsee’s. When you have worked a step/tradition you call me and we set up a time to meet and work the step/tradition

·         PHONE CALLS – You may want to call in at a certain time and that's fine.  If you need me to call you back then you need to say in your message, “I need you to call me back.” Long voice mails should not be necessary each day.  

If you are going to call me and leave me a message I need you to include:

1.)   Whatever it is you’re struggling with

2.)    Tell me how you are feeling (the emotion)

3.)    Three things you’re grateful for

4.)    What you are doing for someone elses recovery today

·         MY RULES:

1.)     Must go to meetings

2.)     Must work steps

3.)    Must take meds as prescribed

You might imagine that in the midst of the exhausting fight to beat an eating disorder one doesn’t have a lot to be thankful for. Rather they are devastated at the circumstances of their disease and the outcome of their life altogether. A struggle for anyone, eating disorder or not is to have an “attitude of gratitude” even in life’s most challenging moments.

Having worked at the Victorian – eating disorder treatment center, I can say it is two things:

1.1.)     A challenging place to work.

2.2.)    A rewarding place to work.

The amount of dedication, intellect and love that is exuded from the staff at the Victorian is quite extraordinary. This Thanksgiving I would like to take a moment to thank those inside the Victorian home for making eating disorder recovery possible in our world.

Clinical Director – Michelle Smith, LVN

Michelle is one of the best Clinical Director’s the Victorian has ever seen. She is personable, intelligent, poised and down to earth. Known to personally pick up clients from the airport and welcome them  to The Victorian, Michelle goes above and beyond to make sure that not only the Victorian clients feel valued, but also that her staff is valued and cared for as well. We are so thankful for Michelle being the leader of the Victorian. She has taken eating disorder recovery to a whole new level that is admired in the field.

Program Manager – Andrea Brokaw

Andrea has brought Neurofeedback into the Victorian this year. Within the first few days at the Victorian the clients get their brainwaves scanned for the purpose of participating in Neurofeedback. This process has made the women better able to understand their emotions and their eating disorder. Andrea innovative and creative therapy has been a blessing to the Victorian.

Case Managers – Joi Prendiville,  Katie Rose Wingert and Susan Bailey

These women have the privilege of working one-on-one with the clients to map out their recovery. Helping the women set goals and achieve them takes tons of mental and physical strength. These women add so much to the recovery of women by being their confidants, cheerleaders and coaches. The Victroian simply would be non-existent without these women.

Nurse – Becky Gordon

Many eating disorder clients are in need of meds to assist them in their recovery. Becky helps the clients find the meds that are appropriate for them. Her professional demeanor and support make her a stand out.

Dietician – Dawn Navarez

Dawn helps the clients reach their recovery goals around food. Dawn is not only the Victorian dietician, but also holds nutrition groups with the women, educating them on food, vitamins and metabolism. Dawn is known to not only be a Dietician, but also a trusted confidant.

Art Therapy - Robin Lamoure, CADAC, MA, ATR

Women with eating disorders are known to sway heavily on the creative side and Robin takes advantage of that interest by holding amazing Art Therapy  sessions. Sessions are always inventive, creative and thought provoking around recovery. Robin creates a safe, non-intrusive way for women to process their emotions good/bad on an inventive level.

Intern  - Jennifer DeVore, MFTi

Eventually the baton will be passed to another generation of healers who passionately care about eating disorder recovery. The Victorian is so thankful for the interest of so many psychology majors, nursing students and new dieticians who want to contribute to our field. Their dedicated work with the Victorian clients will be rewarded in the recovery that happens in the years to come.  

The Victorian Clients

The thing we are daily grateful for is the brave Victorian clients willing to confront their eating disorder. We are humbled by the strength they have to go step into the unknown and discover the women they are without their eating disorder. The willingness of these women constantly amazes us. We are so honored to work alongside them and are incredibly grateful that we get to witness their transformations into confident, strong, successful women they are proud of.

I hope that if you are struggling with an eating disorder this Thanksgiving you would find some gratitude in the vast amount of people in the eating disorder recovery field willing to help you. On behalf of our very thankful Victorian team, we would like to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and a Happy Recovery!

Irvina

Greenie Marie via www.etsy.com

The News Herald serving Northern Ohio posted an article today with jaw dropping statistics of the rise in eating disorders among children.

“Nationally, hospitalizations for eating disorders have increased with staggering speed. The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality found a 119 percent increase, between 1999-2006, in hospitalizations for children younger than 12.”

The article goes onto speculate “Have eating disorders really risen in the past 10 years or are we just more aware now and able to properly diagnose?” It is hard to say and I’m not an analyst so I can’t help you there. What I can help you with is preventing eating disorders. Like any addiction, eating disorders have a genetic component making one more susceptible to developing one, yet environment and family dynamics play a large role. We often discuss this with concerned Victorian clients who report their siblings or children showing signs of a developing eating disorder.

In response I have put together some of my own tactics to use with raising a child in order to prevent an eating disorder. Everyone should remember S-M-I-L-E, SMILE! 

S – Speak Slowly

From birth through their teenage years children are learning how to be people by modeling and watching their parents and care givers. If they see their parents complaining about their weight, their wrinkles or overly concerned about the way look in some jeans they are going to complain and hold concern over the same things. Speak slowly before you voice your insecurity’s and also get to know the people who are caring for your children. Do they speak obsessively about their appearance? Asking a potential nanny “How do you feel about your own body image?” Is not an outrageous question these days.

M – Movies

No, the Disney princesses are not to blame for eating disorders, but an over consumption of them may contribute greatly to a girls values. In therapy many eating disorder clients refer to “wanting to be saved out of their eating disorder” and “Waiting for that someone who will make it all better.” When a child is still molding their values the images they see have a lasting impact. Therefore it is very important to show movies and films of strong, independent heroines some of my favorites are Anne of Green Gables or Little Women.

I – Individual

Whether it’s a boy or a girl each kid wants to know that they are special for something. Girls get praised for being “cute” and “beautiful” therefore they try to embody this constantly for praise. Boys get praised for being “Strong” and “tough” therefore they try to embody this constantly. There isn’t anything wrong with being beautiful or strong, but it’s the over emphasis that drives addiction. The children feed of the praise for their self esteem. Considering that beauty and strength are external the praise is very fickle and doesn’t help the child develop a strong sense of self. What does help a child is praise for their individuality such as, “Wow! You are such a good artists!” Or “Wow! You are such a good friend!” or “Wow! You are so smart!” or “Wow! You are so kind!” Every kid is good at something, it’s up to you to show them their individuality which in the long run will make them a confident adult, not an insecure one constantly looking for external affirmation.

L – Like

Again children mimic what we say, making it equally important for us to verbalize what we “Like” about other people. If we show children through our conversations that “I LIKE your new hair!” or “I LIKE your new car” or “I LIKE your new dress” or “I LIKE your new house” Children will also learn to like these things as well. We need to show children that we “LIKE how well Mrs. Simmons loves on her animals.” Or “I really LIKE how Mr. Sanchez donates his dental services to kids who don’t have a dentist.” When kids hear this dialogue they will try to fit the mold of your ‘LIKING’.

E – Excitement

A lot of times children develop an over concern with their looks and body, by parents excitement. Does this sound familiar, “Wow! You look so beautiful!” or “Wow! You look so handsome!” There is nothing wrong with this, but try to show the same about of excitement around their creativity, kindness and strength. Children need to know that their value lies not simply in their external appearance, but in how they are each uniquely made.

I hope these tips helped anyone currently worried about the children in their lives developing eating disorders. Check back at The Victorian Recovery Blog next week for more news, research and tips on eating disorders!

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

*Note:  Irvina Kanarek is not a counselor, mother or psychologist. Her tactics are from her experience working in an eating disorder treatment center, as a nanny and art teacher .

Model Katie Halchishick started an online firestorm last week as she became a human diagram of what she would have to go through to get the 'perfect' Barbie body via plastic surgery. In the latest issue of O Magazine, Posing for photographer Matthew Rolston, her glamorous, Marilyn Monroe-type features are surgically outlined according to Barbie's proportions. Several eating disorder treatment centers, non-profits and prevention groups posted the article online. Many commenters applauded Halchischick and the attention she was bringing to the ludicrousness of Barbie’s figure being marketed to young girls. Though I think Halchishick’s picture is quite a conversation starter I wonder how that image will help anyone who is actively struggling with an eating disorder?  When you are in the middle of the throws of an eating disorder it takes a team of counselors, support staff, clinicians, dietitians and doctor’s to help bring the client back to rationalized thinking and a healthy body weight.

I thought it might be helpful for some readers to understand that Halchishick’s image is great for preventative purposes, but eating disorder treatment is a whole different ball game. Here is a sample of Victorian classes around body image:

Body Image Group

This group is led by a professional counselor. The subject of body image, media, family dynamics, hopes, dreams and fears  is the focus. Developing a connection to body parts and their functions is central to this group.

Feelings Group

This group is led by a Victorian Support Staff member. Held after every meal , the clients are encouraged to share how they feel after eating a meal. How they liked the meal and how they rate their emotions afterward. The purpose of this group is to allow the clients to identify any emotions the food is triggering them to think/feel.

Spirituality Group

The group is led by a professional counselor. The group  encourages the clients to build a connection to a higher power. It is proven that a connection to a higher power helps clients attain eating disorder recovery faster and longer.

Psycho Drama & Play

This group is led by a professional counselor. The client’s are encouraged to act out their emotions around their eating disorder. This method helps them to authentically get in touch with their pain and communicate it to a group of supportive individuals advocating for their recovery.

Art Therapy

This group is led by a professional Art Therapist. The clients are given new projects each week, either unmasking their hidden emotions of pain and anger through the art or revealing who they truly want to become. Art Therapy is one of the most beloved counseling groups we hold at The Victorian.

This is just a sample of some of the treatment offered at The Victorian. If you are currently struggling with an eating disorder we suggest you seen help immediately.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina 

If you have ever sought professional help for your eating disorder you know how difficult it can be to get your health insurance to cover it. The reason for this is that many health insurers do not acknowledge eating disorders as a mental illness. This is of course ludicrous considering the studies that have been done proving that eating disorders are indeed an addiction much like alcoholism and drugs (which are covered by health care providers for intensive in patient treatment.) Due to this dismissal of eating disorders as a mental illness, many of those struggling with eating disorders never receive treatment; leaving their disease to get worse which results in fatality.

Thankfully a group of eating disorder professionals, therapists, survivors and legislators have gathered together and formed the F.R.E.E.D. Act which is advocating for the government to take a look at eating disorders in the following ways:

Summary of the FREED Act (H.R. 1193)

The EDC worked with Members of Congress to conceptualize and draft the Federal Response

to Eliminate Eating Disorders (the FREED Act), which is a comprehensive bill on eating disorders addressing research, treatment, education and prevention. The bill addresses the

following:

Research Initiatives

• Know the numbers through a national data base and other initiatives.  Determine the prevalence, incidence, and correlates of all eating disorders (anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder and eating disorder not otherwise specified).

• Know the death rates.  Determine the morbidity and mortality rates associated with all eating disorders and provide a public report of this data annually.

• Know the costs or “economic burden” of eating disorders. Undertake the necessary investigations to conduct an economic analysis of the costs of eating disorders in the United States, including years of productive life lost, missed days of work, reduced work productivity, costs of medical/psychiatric treatment, prescriptions medications, hospitalizations, costs of medical and psychiatric comorbidities, (cost to family, cost to society) etc. 

For all Health Professionals. 

Train and healed days of work, reduced work productivity, costs of medical/psychiatric treatment, prescriptions medications, hospitalizations, costs of medical and psychiatric comorbidities, (cost to family, cost to society) etc.

• Establish Centers of Excellence.  Develop an integrated system of Centers of Excellence for eating disorders, which will provide training opportunities for research, fund research programs, and coordinate the development of a research infrastructure nationwide.  Access to Adequate and Appropriate Treatment.

• All Americans with eating disorders deserve access to care.  Any insurer that provides health coverage for physical illness must provide coverage for eating disorders.

• Care according to universally accepted criteria. Insurers are to follow standards of care as written in the Practice Guidelines for the Treatment of Patients with Eating Disorders by the American Psychiatric Association. The treatment setting must be appropriate to the patient’s needs and clinical presentation. Decisions regarding the treatment setting must include individual variables such as age, sex, ability to manage severity or comorbidity, family involvement, and staff expertise and training.

• Eating Disorders are complex conditions and require comprehensive treatment approaches. All treatment modalities should be covered, including but not limited to family, individual and group therapies, nutrition counseling, psychopharmacology, body Image therapy, and medical treatment.

Education & Prevention Initiatives

• Study mandatory BMI reporting in school. Determine the outcome of measuring BMI in schools and reporting the results to parents (including measuring eating disorders symptoms, and incidence of teasing or bullying based on body size).

• Grant Program of the Education and Training for all Health Professionals.  Train health professionals, to identify, prevent, appropriately treat and address the complications of eating disorders (using a team approach).

• Grant Program for the Education and Training for School/Higher Education Professionals. Train education professionals in evidence-based education programs about eating disorders, education professionals include teachers, professors, school nurses, school aides, community liaisons, cooks, dieticians, social workers, counselors, coaches, athletic departments, and other.

• Educating the public through Public Service Announcements (PSA's). Use PSAs to educate the public on types and the seriousness of (prevalence, comorbidities, health consequences –both physical and mental) eating disorders, how to obtain help, discrimination and bullying based on mental illness, body size, and the effects of media on self esteem and body image.

• Bring eating disorders into already existing obesity initiatives.  Federally funded campaigns to fight obesity should also address eating disorders. Federal studies should include eating disorder related questions.

The lobbying starts on Tuesdsay, October 4th in Washington D.C. We wish all the advocates success and blessings in getting the F.R.E.E.D. Act heard! If you would like to know more about getting involved with the F.R.E.E.D. act please check out the following link: 

http://www.eatingdisorderscoalition.org/LobbyDayOctober2011.htm

Happy Recovery!

Irvina

The more insurance claims, doctors visits and treatment facility enrollments for eating disorders, the more awareness, research and PREVENTION spreads. The Victorian is in the business of treating eating disorders, but we also have an urge to prevent them. Eating Disorder prevention is on the rise.  Some of the most noted preventative and awareness campaigns are:

Dove True Beauty – Dove skincare has launched it’s own campaign to reveal the onslaught of self deprecating ads that women are bombarded with on a daily basis in our culture. They seek to reveal that True Beauty is being exactly who you are, flaws and all. They have also invested in teaching young girls about True Beauty through their True Beauty campaign taught by mothers and teachers in schools. Their True Beauty curriculum can be found on their website. 

Rewrite Beautiful – Promotes eating disorder awareness through Street Art Workshops. Rewrite Beautiful teaches that beauty isn’t found in your aestehetics but, in women’s actions of Creativity, Kindness and Strenght.  Rewrite Beautiful will actually be visiting The Victorian and Sober Living By the Sea on Saturday, September 10^th.  Find out more about Rewrite Beautiful on their website or search "Rewrite Beautiful" on Facebook. 

The National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) - Hosts several walk-a-thons every year in and out of the USA to promote eating disorder awareness. The money raised goes to eating disorder research.

The New York Times- Noted for last years photo- documentary called, Patient Voices which chronicled the lives of those living with eating disorders. Currently in a journalism series directed at adolescent health, they created a curriculum to teach Jr.High and High School students about Body Dysmorphia and Eating Disorders. A curriculum is offered on their website.

Prevention and treatment combat eating disorders on both ends of the stick! Please research the above groups and organizations and see where you can lend a preventative hand to the mix! 

Happy Recovery!

Irvina

1.)   All meetings are FREE. You can donate a few dollars if you like, but there are no dues for attending.

2.)  All meetings are anonymous. All meeting attendees know that what is said in the meeting, stays in the meeting.

3.)   Give it a chance, all meetings are different. Attend a few before you decide that recovery meetings are/aren’t for you. Many meetings focus on different aspects of the disease. i.e. Anorexia. Give each meeting a chance even if you don’t relate at first.

Support groups

Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders offers these free support groups:

Monday, 10 a.m. – 11:30 a.m.

St. John's Episcopal Church

183 E. Bay St., Costa Mesa

Contact- 714-557-1308

Monday, 7 p.m. – 8 p.m.

The Victorian
505 29th Street,

Newport Beach, CA 92663

Contact – 949-279-1632

Monday, 7:30 p.m.-9 p.m.

307 Third St., Suite 205,

 Huntington Beach, CA

Contact: 562-884-6827

Tuesdays, 6:30-7:30 p.m.

 Patient support group

1201 Dove Street, #585

Newport Beach, CA 92660

Sovereign Health Eating Disorder Program offers these groups

Tuesdays, 7:00-8:00  p.m.

209 Avenida Fabricante, Suite 100, San Clemente

Contact: 949-369-1300

Wednesdays 7:00 p.m. -8:15 p.m.

Fountain Plaza (call for directions and to get buzzed in)

23461 South Pointe Drive, Suite 190, Laguna Hills

Contact: 949-498-5018

Overeaters Anonymous offers these groups:

Tuesdays, 7-8:30 p.m.

Bulimia/anorexia meeting

St. John's Episcopal Church

183 E. Bay St., Costa Mesa

Contact: 562-221-1705

Tuesdays, 5:30-6:30 p.m.

The Grange

Everyone dealing with food issues is welcome

2144 Thurin Ave Costa Mesa, CA 92627

Contact: 949-903-4784

Wednesdays, 5:45–6:45 p.m.

Anorexics, bulimics & overeaters, open to women only

Her Place

23181 Verdugo Drive, Suite 104A, Laguna Hills

Contact: 949-296-5340

Thursdays, 6-7 p.m.

Family/friends support group

Rebecca's House, Chase Bank on the seventh floor

23861 El Toro Road, Lake Forest

800-711-2062 or rebeccashouse.org

Fridays 10am – 11:30am

St. John's Episcopal Church

183 E. Bay St., Costa Mesa

Contact- 714-557-1308

Faith-based group:

Every Monday, 7am – 9pm

ROCKHARBOR Church- The Refuge

3080 Airway, Suite 100

Costa Mesa, CA 92626

Contact: refuge@rockharbor.org

Every other Wednesday, 7-8:30 p.m.,

Saddleback Church

1 Saddleback Parkway, Room 304.

Lake Forest, CA

Contact: 949-609-8392

Happy Recovery!

Irvina 

Balance is a hard thing for a lot of us. For those of us with eating disorders it’s the thorn in our sides that sticks us in the most inopportune times. At work we either give it our all or don’t give it a glance. At the Victorian, we once had a client who got a recovery job working on the peninsula. Her boss asked her to clean an old pop corn machine. When he returned he found that rusty, gritty, grimy old popcorn machine was sparkling like it had just been taken out of the box. When her boss told her how impressed he was she responded, “Well, I’m an addict either it was going to look brand new or I wasn’t even going to touch it.”

 This is funny, but so true for many of us with eating disorders; we either give it our all or give it nothing. A key element to this is finding out our motives behind what were doing. Lets explore:

Bosses –  The awesome thing about life is it gives us opportunities to share what we have learned; how to be honest and kind while communicating our needs to others. Often times it is with bosses. Some of us have bosses who load us with work and keep us late and don’t compensate us for our time. Businesses are big, time is limited so it happens, but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s right. The trick here is to first assess the situation, asking ourselves “Is this moral? Is this right?” If it isn’t then we need to use our voice and ask our boss if we can sit down with them. Then we can say, “I love working for you and I love the challenging work, however I need to stick to the hours that I was hired under. I also need to be compensated for the hours I have worked and have not been paid for. I love this job, but I can not work for free. How do you feel about this?” This statement doesn’t attack anyone it simply states the facts and gives room for the employer to respond. It sounds a lot scarier than it is. This statement is also creating a boundary. It lets the employer know that you have self respect and it lets your employer respect you and your time also.

Co-workers – Some co-workers can become your best friends, some can smell like B.O. and spit when they talk. The world is like a spice rack…lots of flavor. It’s easy to get into a  clique in a work environment. Some people grow closer than others which is natural, but gossiping about others is not. Gossiping taints an office environment for everyone. Even if you think you’re really sly at it, it does something to you. If you find yourself being invited into gossip you can:

a.)   Say, “I hear you.” And change the subject.

b.)   Say, “I hear you, but I don’t agree I think Shelly just has a lot going on at home right now. “

c.)    Say nothing. This gets the message across very well. When someone sees that you are unwilling to engage with them they won’t come to you to gossip about others and voila you’re off the hook.

When you say and do the above things you are setting a clear boundary with your co-workers that you are your own person. You won’t agree for the sake of being liked because you like yourself enough not to say/do something that would hurt yourself or others.

Lunches – It can get busy in a work environment. People tend to skip lunches and breaks to keep up with their work. However, this is dangerous territory for someone with an eating disorder. In recovery we often say that the most important thing in our lives is “our recovery.” Meaning that when making little or big decisions in our day we ask ourselves, “what is the best choice to protect my recovery?” Sometimes we don’t like the answer we get. It can make us uncomfortable, but most things worth fighting for are uncomfortable. Therefore, when everyone in the office ignores the lunch hour and just keeps working it’s important to tell ourselves, “Going to lunch alone may be uncomfortable, but the discomfort of a returning eating disorder is much worse. Yes, people might judge me for going to lunch while they are staying in, but I know what I need to do to take care of myself. No one else will take care of me if I don’t.” Sometimes the healthiest thing to do for ourselves is to stay in check with the thoughts we create. If we don’t like the ones we are creating, make new and healthy ones and of course…eat lunch!

These are just a few ideas on how to set boundaries in the workplace when  you have an eating disorder. Check back next week for more boundary tips from The Victorian of Newport Beach, California.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina  

I visited India once with a humanitarian group called Harvest India. They are based in the city of Tenali in Southern India. With this group I met orphans, former prostitutes, lepers and AIDS patients. The women and men I met had been through more pain and terror than I could ever imagine (and I’ve been through a hellish eating disorder.) I wondered how they dealt with their pain? I thought back to my own pain that I managed with an eating disorder. I never woke up and decided, “Today I’m going to have an eating disorder.” It kind of just happened. I wondered if anyone in India experienced the same thing? I started to ask around. I spoke to some locals and found that some of the women who were rescued from prostitution were known to self mutilate and harm themselves. I also found some teenage boys who told me that girls in high school do diet and purge. And being “thin” is sought more so than being larger.

Bollywood actress, Anushka Shetty

On one hand I knew that the genetic element of eating disorders would not leave the culture untouched. On the other hand I was still quite surprised. The media in India still greatly favors voluptuous women. Curves are celebrated and seen as a sign of good health and wealth. Bollywood actress Anushka Shetty is one of the celebrated curvaceous goddesses of India.

But psychiatrists in urban areas of India are reporting cases of anorexia nervosa. Most people in India have still not heard of the condition but Delhi psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh says he has seen an explosion in anorexia cases over the past few years. Some do believe that the influence of western films and television in affluent areas has given today's Indian teenagers the idea that thin is beautiful. If women do succumb to pressure to be ultra thin and develop anorexia, says Dr Chugh, the public has little sympathy.

He says everyone is aware that hundreds of millions of people do not get enough food every day.

 "For them, a person who's starving herself to death must be stupid," he says.

But shame and ridicule will not make this disease disappear.

What it may stop is people reaching out for treatment.

Thankfully India is developing places for those suffering from eating disorders to go. The very first addiction rehabilitation clinic is called, Caim India and located in Bangalore.

Please share the information you learned today about eating disorders in India with others. Knowledge is the biggest tool we can use to prevent and stop eating disorders from spreading.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Image by Studio Jones www.etsy.com

 A few years back I read a study done on two separate sets of boys. Group One was being raised by a single mother. Group Two had both parents raising them and present in the home, but in this group the father was absent due to work and travel commitments. The study found that the boys in Group 2 ended up under performing at school, abusing alcohol and drugs and were far less socially and psychologically developed than the group of boys with a single mother. Why? Well according to the study the boys in the second group felt more rejection from the father that was present, but absent. The boys without a father had no expectations of a father and therefore were less angry and hostile people. 

Over the past few years many studies have been published finding that the role of a father in a child’s life is much more powerful than that of a mother. Surprising, that since the beginning of civilization child care has been assigned to women and hunting to men. It seems as if Adam and Eve made more mistakes than one eh? But, who can blame them? Naturally one would assume that the sensitivity of a woman would make her a better care taker and a man’s ability to chop down a tree would make him a better provider. However, if we take a step back and look at what makes a well rounded, responsible human being it is undoubtedly discipline and strength. Masculine traits.

These kind of studies make me reflect on the character of my own father and how his strengths and weaknesses affected my own development and eating disorder . My dad’s strengths were that he is incredibly intelligent and challenged me. As a child, he constantly bought me books above my reading level, took me to museums and gallery’s and challenged my opinions with entertaining and witty debate. He was very aware of global events and had images of starving children in Africa from TIME magazine framed and put in the dining room of our home, in his chicken scratch writing he inscribed, “For all of us to see.” My dad was a confident, charismatic man. He taught me how to invite the homeless to have a 3 hour lunch with us, to never pass a blind person without helping them across the street and to never pass a beggar without giving them a couple of bucks. My dad is a good man.

However, somehow I ended up creating so much trouble on the school bus in Junior High that I was suspended from riding the bus for 3 months. I started drinking alcohol when I was 14. Skipping classes when I was 16, jumping out of moving vehicles as practical jokes and much more theatrics that I’ll save for my book, but you get the idea. I remember having an insatiable need to please others. To make them laugh. Somehow making people laugh turned into an eating disorder. Ironically, jumping  between anorexia and compulsive overeating can be exhausting and left little room for laughter.

So what happened to me? My father was present, but what was I missing? According to the following studies being present is one thing, but young girls need a lot more than just presence from their fathers:   

Affection:

One study shows that adolescent daughters' self-esteem is best predicted by fathers' physical affection. - Western Connecticut State University.

Housework:  

Recent research from UC Riverside shows that when fathers do housework with their children, their kids turn out to be better adjusted and more socially aware.  - University of California Riverside

Intimacy:

Since men in our society are "encouraged to achieve but not to feel" fathering is often a difficult task for men, especially with their daughters because the relationship requires "more intimacy then most men can handle" - Vanderbilt University

Freedom:

Overall, fathers of daughters with eating disorders emerged as a complex mixture of frequently distant, sometimes punitive, but also overprotective parents.  - Eating Disorder Review

Genetics

Some people do not have much of a choice when it comes to eating disorders, because genetics play a big part. - Mental Health Matters

I have my own theories on things my father did and did not do that led to my eating disorder. However, I sway greatly to the side that eating disorders are genetic, much like alcoholism and drug abuse. Yes, environment and parenting can trigger the disease, but I don’t blame my dad for this disease.  I think my dad (and most dad’s for that matter) do their best when it comes to parenting. I think we can all agree with Oprah’s statement that, “Parenting is like owning an ocean.” For that reason, Oprah said that she chose not to be a parent. Bravo on the self awareness Oprah, bravo. But, I ask is anyone ever ready to own a ocean? I don’t think so. But, if you gave me an ocean, I would definitely do my best to protect and care for it, I couldn’t promise that everything would turn out safe, sound and healthy, but I promise I would do my best to love it and care for it. I think that’s all we can ask of parents; just love and care.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

 “Change your thoughts and you will change your life.” That sounds like a very generous offer doesn’t it? I think so. Almost as generous as the size of a pyramid, which is never too far from a “Pyramid scheme” is it? I mean come on, so if I have cancer I can just think, “Healthy! Healthy! Healthy!” and my human tissue will instantly change? Probably not. Like you, I’m a skeptic and I’ve lived long enough on planet earth to know that when something is too good to be true, it’s usually because it most certainly is. But, after some trial and error I have found a morsel of truth in the power our thoughts have over our lives….

Our thoughts are the background music to a party. Everyone knows that a bad DJ will kill a great party. Likewise, bad thoughts can literally kill a good life. In between breakfast, school, work, movies and parties we listen to the background music. If this background music is positive, say U2, Sheryl Crow and The Jackson 5 most likely our interactions over breakfast, at school and at work will be positive. But, if they are negative, like Fiona Apple, Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails most likely we will have negative interactions. The same way music gives us a feeling in our bones we can’t describe; the thoughts in our head either put us at ease or make us a little jumpy.

This theory makes me both disappointed and hopeful. Disappointed in that it scares me to think of how many years I let ED be the “DJ of my mind”. I let him tell me how lousy he thought my body was, how stupid he thought I was, how insignificant I was, how much better the world would be if I was just gone…. I almost died from the Spin Master Lady Killer ED… that was until I got spun in to a much better, upbeat, upscale, classy, fun party called, “Recovery.”

In Eating Disorder recovery I have learned that I have many, many, many choices. That I don’t have to let Spin Master Lady Killer ED be the DJ of my thoughts. That actually I am the Rock Talkin’ Recovery Jockey of my thoughts. That I get to be still and ask God, “What songs/thoughts are the best to run through my head?” With God’s help I have the raddest play list that ever hit the Eating Disorder scene. It’s kind of like when you’ve experienced really bad music for a long annoying road trip and finally someone plays some tunes that put you into post-massage relaxation status… you just know you’ve found the real McCoy.

Today, in between sets of breakfast, school, work and friends I tell myself mantras over and over and over and over and over again… stuff like,

“I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m blessed. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m blessed.”

Sometimes if I start to hear ED play his emo-trash and play on my insecurities I’ll play,

“I’m not everything, I’m enough. I’m not everything, I’m enough.”

When things don’t turn out the way I want them to (which us controlling Eating Disorder girls experience often) I think,

“God’s plan is perfect. God’s plan is perfect. God’s plan is perfect.”

And when the eating disorder tells me that I’m not beautiful enough or thin enough, I again say, “I’m not everything. I’m enough.”

“I’m not everything, I’m enough.” Is actually the first melody I learned in Eating Disorder recovery. It’s meaning is quite profound.

If you look at the first part, “I’m not everything….” This means I can never be everything to everyone. Which means I can’t be everyone’s best friend and I can’t be everyone’s enemy either. I can’t be the smartest to everyone and I can’t be the dumbest to everyone. Physically it’s impossible, therefore it is true. I’m not everything.” This gives me some peace. It evens out the playing field that I have never really accurately understood. I have always thought it was a good thing to be many things, but it really isn’t. Because if everyone and everything liked me that would mean some shady characters would like me too and that’s not necessarily who or what I want to be either.

In the second part, “I’m enough.” Is where I learn that who I am exactly at this moment is actually enough to stand on two firm feet in the world. I have already established that I can’t be everything to everyone, but I can be me, abstinent, un-abstinent, sober, alcoholic, depressed or happy…. It doesn’t matter, because no matter what I do, I will always be enough because of the first word in this phrase, “I’m” the second part is defining the first, “Enough” and as long as  I am an “I’m” I will always be “enough” no matter what “I’m” looks like, sounds like or acts. That gives me so much peace.

 I hope you girls learn how to be your own "Mix Master Miss" upstairs in your head. Because you’re worth the good tunes. Life is too good for bad music!

Some of my most difficult moments at the Victorian have been watching a family hand over their daughter, sister and mother to us. Often times the client is screaming, crying and pleading the typical statements of, “This is a mistake! I do not have a problem!” and “Please don’t leave me here! I’ll eat! I swear!” The clients behavior is typical for anyone who would be scared and frightened of giving up their disease and being left in this new place with all of these new people (who are allegedly going to take away the disease that gives them the only aspect of control that they have.) Having worked in the field I know that the clients are going to be more than okay.  That actually this is the best place in the world for them and in just about 48 hours they will realize that too and will be hugging and periodically laughing and yet still crying soon.

The difficulty for me has always been watching the parents leave. Their usually crying and sad as well, but it’s the looks on their faces that kills me. I can only describe it as the look on someone’s face if their home of the past 30 years was just demolished by a tornado. You can’t see a tornado coming, you are shocked, heart broken and at a loss for words at the devastation in front of you… but, they can’t do anything about it now… but just walk away and start over.  It’s in the “walking away” part that there is a fine line… “how far exactly should the parents walk away?”

Parents usually take two routes. Route 1: Helicopter Parent. Out of love they want constant contact with the client, out of fear they question the therapeutic process and the staff, out of anger they are impatient with the recovery process of their loved one.

Route 2: The family expects that the staff “fix” the client. They don’t want to show up for, Family Week. They don’t want to be bothered with updates on the clients progress. They just want the bill and the date to pick up their “fixed” loved one. These families aren’t “bad” or “insensitive” people, in fact they are very sensitive. They are in so much pain that they can’t bare to witness the healing process because it means they might have to get some healing themselves and healing usually involves a lot of pain to walk through before you get to the other side.

I would like to show you some stats that are pretty impressive regarding how the family plays a part in Eating Disorder Recovery:

One study involving 80 teens with bulimia put about half in a treatment program that included family therapy and the others in more traditional psychotherapy. Six months later, the success rate for those given family therapy was twice as great as it was for the others.

About 40 percent of teens whose families participated in their treatment had stopped bingeing and purging, compared with 18 percent of those treated without family involvement. The study was published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.

Another study, published in the journal Eating Disorders, followed 32 teenage girls with anorexia and found that 75 percent of them were in full remission three years after treatment that had included family therapy.

So if you really want your loved one to recover long term you’ll show up for every therapy session and Family Week right? Well, half right… Right in YES, show up, as Woody Allen says, “90% of success is just showing up.” The other half is you have to show up WILLING to also look at how you as a FAMILY have played a part in the Eating Disorder. I remind you that Eating Disorders are genetic. It’s no one's fault, just like Bipolar Disorder is no one's fault… it’s a psychological disorder… however, environment factor and FAMILIES greatly trigger these disorders… meaning every woman out there with Eating Disorders, yes all 10 million in the United States alone, have a family that also needs to be in therapy. That family needs to change their own family dynamics, boundaries and values while the client is re-feeding themselves and trying to combat the most fatal disease of all psychological disorders.

All that to say, I hope see you at Family Week. It’s hard. It’s not pretty. It will be exhausting. It will be painful. It will be shocking. It will also be the difference between the girl you love living the life she was put on earth to live, or dying and becoming another statistic. Choices… we all have choices. Make yours a good one.

We have all seen the elephant in the room with an Eating Disorder. She is the girl who seems to live at the gym and talks to no one. Though she looks like a frail walking skeleton you’re pretty sure her glare could quite possibly kill you on the spot if you get to close to her coveted treadmill. Then there is the shy co-worker who hides her obese frame in her cubicle.  Her drawer is full of sweet and salty binge foods that she eats all day. She refuses to go out to lunch with the office and instead isolates. 

So how do we help someone we suspect may have an Eating Disorder?  We have to answer the CALL which definitely isn’t an overnight process….  

Connection – Part of the reason you feel compelled to help this person who possibly has an Eating Disorder is because you notice the lack of connection in their life. You’ve noticed this person has no friends, no hobbies, a lot of anger, a ton of hatred and some serious depression. On the flip sometimes  they are possibly the opposite extreme as an “Achieve-a-holic” and are so hyper and busy that they can’t build connections. A lot of the reason for these behaviors is somewhere in their past this person learned that connections are dangerous and hurtful. You are going to try and break down this barrier by building a connection and being their friend. Take an interest in one thing they like: Animals? Books? Science? Fashion? Let them know that you care about what they care about and maintain that connection. Be the same person you are each time you see this person: stable and loving. A person with an Eating Disorder will look for any reason possible to turn on you and consider you “ dangerous just like everyone else.” Try and keep your commitments and your word with this person. Let them know that this “connection” with you is important to you.

Authenticity –  From an Anorexic to a Compulsive Overeater, people with Eating Disorders don’t believe that the world allows them to be their authentic selves. They truly believe they will combust if they actually speak their mind and stick to it. It’s your job to mirror authenticity to them. Show this person what authenticity looks like. Be humble, talk about your own struggles with insecurity, self worth, pain and anger. Show this person that you accept yourself for all your gifts and equally for all of your flaws. This will shock them like seeing snow on the beach. They will be attracted to that element of authenticity because essentially that’s what we ALL want. 

Laughing – When you’re introduced to a new baby what do you do? You try to make them laugh. When men take women on dates, what do they try to do? They try to make them laugh. Why do we do this? Because we all know that when we are laughing it signals that we feel safe with the other person. This may sound trite, but try to find the humor in life with the person you suspect has an Eating Disorder. When you make them laugh their brain will fire serotonin that will then fire a signal to their frontal lobe that you are a safe person to be with.

Loving – Now the hard part…. Loving…. Is a hard thing to do. I was recently introduced by a friend of mine to a guy that I dated for a couple of weeks. It didn’t end well and when my friend heard about this he asked me, “Do you mind if I have a man to man talk with this guy the next time I see him about this whole situation?” I thought about it for awhile and I realized that if my friend said anything to this guy I was going to look like an immature little girl who ran to her friend and tattled. On the flip I also realized that in my recovery from my Eating Disorder that I had many people lovingly call me out on my behavior and that made me realize the gravity of my disease. So my answer was, “If you feel that’s on your heart to do go for it. People being honest with me is the most loving thing I have ever experienced.” The guy was spoken to. Will he change his behavior? Will he treat the next woman differently? I don’t’ know.  But at least I know that I was willing to make a loving decision even though it was uncomfortable to do so.

The fact of the matter is talking to someone about their Eating Disorder is a very uncomfortable, awkward thing to do; which is why so many people let the elephant stay in the room. But, if you can get over that fear of uncomfortable and awkward feelings you just might be doing someone a favor … or even saving their life. When I think of love I don’t think of Cinderella, The Notebook or Romeo and Juliet… I think of Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus…. I think of people who put themselves in the most uncomfortable situations for the sake of other people being able to experience FREEDOM at its fullest.

I think that no matter our education on Eating Disorder we can all see that the person in this disease is in chains. The only way we free them from that is by lovingly saying, “I care about you. I adore you. I’m also worried about you and I think you might have an Eating Disorder that’s killing you and it’s killing me to watch it.” Then sit there and listen. See what they say, they might deny it. They might laugh in your face. They might scream in your face (that one is always intersting ;) ) and they might (which I have also experienced) say, “How did you know? Can you help me? “  

You never know what comes from loving someone. It’s scary. It’s heartbreaking, but most of the time… it’s worth it. Thanks for reading this post and thank you for answering the CALL to love someone out of their Eating Disorder.

Eating Disorders are not a disease of vanity, self absorption or an aversion to food, they are a disease of the mind. For a person without an Eating Disorder addiction it is normal to have some feelings of insecurity when "Keeping up with Jones'" It's the human condition to look around and ask, "Where do I measure up?" "Where can I improve?" But, for a woman or man with an Eating Disorder the question isn't "Where do I measure up?" It's "Am I the BEST?" If we are not the BEST, we honestly, hate ourselves and we cope with putting the focus and attention on our bodies.

Research has proven that women with Anorexia Nervosa have IQ scores between 120 and 140 (Thats pretty stinkin' high) Obviously it is in the genetic disposition of these clients to be naturally high achievers. The goal in Eating Disorder treatment is to take that drive for perfection and channel it into a healthy avenue that looks like a "Perfectly Imperfect Life." Now, to you, maybe you're a parent or a concerned loved one you think, "Well duh. Life isn't perfect. That sounds simple. I'll teach my girl that myself." If that's your stance then I have two words for you: "Good Luck." I have worked in the Eating Disorder field for about 2 years now and I have experienced an ED myself. If there is something I know about "us" it's that this relinquishing of perfection and constant comparing takes a lifetime of recovery work.

At the Victorian we talk about being the best "Phoebe, Chloe, Liz and Irvina you can be." Doing our personal best each day and being patient with ourselves. More times than not this new way of thinking sounds repulsive to clients, I remember one client insisting, "NO! I have to be the BEST! I won't settle for the best me! I want to be THE BEST!" As she broke down in sobs.

As a woman in recovery, the thing that I have to remember about being the "BEST" is that because I have a voice in my head called "ED" my best will never be good enough. Once I accomplish straight A's, I'll be told "Anyone can do that. Wheres your 7 figure job?" Once I have the job I'll be told, "Everyone can make money. Wheres your husband?" Then I'll have him and I'll be told, "He's not much....she has a better husband...you should get a new one." The comparing, the achieving, the having never lets up with an ED. Thats why it takes a lifetime of recovery, meetings, a support group of friends who understand and periodic therapy.

I think that because Eating Disorders are so taboo in the media and not many people know that they are indeed an addiction, it seems as if a woman should just learn to "eat again and move on with her life." Hmmm...the women I know who have done that have come back after 8 years asking for help again because they thought the bulimia and starvation was gone. This disease is stuck in between the crevices and the corners of our brain. It's always waiting to pounce on us and take us down and kill us, like drugs and alcohol. That is the nature of the disease to kill us. I'm not trying to sound dark and dramatic, I guess I'm just trying to relate how something as simple as the act of comparing my body to your body can send me into a tail spin. That if I let myself look at how awesome your job and boyfriend are and then look at my single self I might come up short and then want to starve over my feelings of insecurity. So whats the solution? 1.) Meetings: Where I can say, "Hey I think I suck cause she looks cute in that dress. Is that normal?" 2.) A new way of thinking: Remembering that I am on my path and you are on yours. Sometimes I'll be in a sunnier spot and sometimes you will be, but it's my job to focus on my path, not yours.

I pray that whoever you are who is reading this blog that you learn to not compare yourself to others. That you appreciate yourself and explore your uniqueness and gifts and utilize them to the best of YOUR ability.

Much love,

Irvina