Eating disorder recovery

www.etsy.com

During the time I worked as Support Staff at the Victorian I met hundreds of different clients. Each were different ages, demographics with different stories and back grounds but, all of them had one thing in common, powerful addictions. Many of the women in their 50’s had been in several treatment facilities. I met women as young as 18 who had been given treatment at 9 different rehabs since the age of 9. For myself, as a staff member it was incredibly discouraging. I can only imagine that as a parent or a loved one with an addiction, this news is devastating.

The only hope I can offer, is that though I have seen many women suffer with an eating disorder for years, I have also seen those same women accumulate years of abstinence. Some of those same women have worked at The Victorian and are able to offer support and hope for those in similar situations.

So the question is, “What is the magic combination that makes someone with an addiction ‘get it’? What makes recovery stick?” The only thing I have seen help women maintain abstinence from an eating disorder is DAILY working on their recovery. The best method I have seen for doing that is the 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous. The 12 Step program requires women to incorporate recovery as a part of their lives. As it is said in the Overeaters Anonymous literature. “The addiction to food  and/or absence is it is a spiritual, mental and physical disease which needs to be treated accordingly.” Therefore, being a part of Overeaters Anonymous requires:

·         Attending Meeting weekly

·         Working with a Sponsor

·         Serving others

·         Being authentic and accountable to a group of women who are also in recovery

·         Working on yourself through the 12 Steps

Time and time again I have seen women who thought they “had it this time” and didn’t need any more counseling or 12 step meetings and then lose their recovery due to stress in their life. Recovery is a way of life, I encourage anyone who is searching for the solution to this disease to check out the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous. They also have specific meeting available for Anorexics and Bulimics as well which we take our Victorian client too.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina 

The mixture of Holiday food, family members and nostalgia can brew a strong cocktail that is hard to swallow for anyone, but especially those struggling with an eating disorder. New Year’s Eve is just a couple days away and most of us have big expectations on how to bring in the New Year. For the majority of women it includes a sparkly new dress, a champagne toast, being surrounded by our closest friends and a hot New Year’s kiss! However this pictures is easier staged with a stylist and paid models than with demanding real life friends and places elicit the joy that we expect.

It’s kind of like the perfect Christmas picture where the family sits around the fire, laughing at each others jokes and drinking hot cocoas. This Christmas picture is one we are all familiar with, but very few have actually been in it. Therefore in eating disorder recovery we learn to adjust our picture. We change what we deem, “Picture Perfect” in life and on Christmas and that takes away a lot of the stress off the Holiday and our loved ones.

I suggest we do the same for New Year’s. Forget the New Year’s picture some stylist from Macy’s created years ago in order to sell more dresses and crystal and create your own traditions! Some of the following alternatives are some of my favorite, that I have done the past couple of years.

Game Night + Fire Works – Gather a bunch of friends together and hold a kick-back game night at someone’s house. Watch the countdown to New Year’s on TV in New York and when New Year’s hits go outside and light some sparklers or fire works to celebrate the New Year!

Sober Party’s  - Many of our women are also struggling with alcoholism. Thus a New Year’s surrounded by alcohol isn’t ideal. However, Alcoholics Anonymous holds great sober party’s for young people and older groups  that I have been told are a ton of fun.

New Year’s Day Hiking – My personal favorite is to gather a bunch of friends and go on a New Year’s Day hike! Southern California has the most amazing frontier and we never lack in amazing new trails to enjoy!

New Year’s Open House – Some of my friend’s host this every year and I love it! They open up their house to all of their friends from 11 am to 11pm. They have movies going on their TV’s, old records to listen to, puzzles, games and even some concoctions for those with hangovers to nurse themselves. Everyone enjoys just staying in their PJ’s all day and hanging with the friends they love. Good times!

I hope that this post helped you to think outside the box on the way you celebrate New Year’s this year. Whatever you do, I hope that just like eating disorder recovery that you practice listening to your inner compass and that it leads you into a beautiful and healthy 2012!

Happy Recovery,

Irvina 

Our beloved Program Director, Michelle Smith LVN recently taped a show for  Public Affairs – Joy in Our Town on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.  The topic was eating disorder treatment and prevention.  Michelle was joined by the non-profit Rewrite Beautiful and Robyn Baker, an eating disorder survivor. The women spoke about what causes eating disorders, treatment, prevention and the responsibility of the media. It was an amazing, informative and dynamic show that we’re all very proud of it! The show runs for a half hour. Be sure to check it out!

 Public Affairs – Joy in Our Town

Eating Disorders

January 13^th at 10 am

January 16^th at 8:30 am

January 19^th at 3 am

When I share about eating disorders with people who haven’t experienced them I wish that I could build empathy for the fact that  this addiction takes over your entire life. A person with an eating disorder is so enthralled in it that they lose touch with reality, forgetting the things they love and enjoy. When I was working at the Victorian it was especially difficult to help the women remember the things they loved, due to depression playing a part in the disease. I often encouraged the women to make a list of 20 things they could do instead of  starving, binging and purging. Their lists were always beautiful variations, showing each women’s gifts and talents. 

Today, the Victorian blog brings you some creative, fun and healthy ideas for your own recovery. Feel free to tweak some of these ideas to better suit your gifting. 

1.)   Beach walks  - If you’re blessed enough to be in Newport Beach like us, the beach is a great place to go for a mellow walk. Take in some vitamin D and enjoying the beautiful ocean

2.)   Bike Rides – We love our boardwalk in Newport Beach! Bike rides down the peninsula are the best! Whether with friends or not a bike ride always gets endorphins flowing!  

3.)    Blogging –Whether it’s commenting on someone else’s creative blog or starting your own, eating disordered women are known to very creative and quick witted writers!

4.) Bubble Bath’s – Fill up the tub, light some candles and soak up some self care surrounded by bubbles!

5.)    Calling friends – Sometimes just checking in to ask a friend“How are you?” Can completely change their day. Many of us have friends who are also struggling with an eating disorder. Giving a random call just to say hello can help someone tremendously.

6.)    Coffee Dates – The Newport locals love Alta Coffee which is just a block down from the Victorian. Bring a book or a friend to a coffee shop and soak in the joyful energy of others caffeine affecianados! Pick the right coffee shop and enjoy some art too!

7.)    Crocheting + Knitting – Such a thearapeutic, rhythmic skill! Make scarves and blankets for the ones you love while you watch your favorite chick flicks!

8.)    Dog Walking – Who doesn’t love pups? Ask your friends that work if you can help them out by walking their pup during the day while their at work!

9.)    Gardening – What woman doesn’t love flowers?! Enjoy flowers every day by staring your own little flower garden! Seeds, dirt, water and a little internet research and you’re green thumb will start to ripen!

10.)   Hiking – I am always in gratitude whenever I am on a hike. Realizing that I am blessed  to be healthy enough to use my body to enjoy the beauty of nature is an incredible feeling. Take some friends with you and make it a day trip!  

11.) Kayaking – Take a friend with you to enjoy the fun! Locally we have the Newport Aquatic Center for all nautical needs!

12.) Jewelry Making – Whether it’s beads or jewels, you can build such an appreciation for jewelry once you try to make it!

13.) Journaling – So therapeutic.

14.) Recovery  Meetings  - I have never left a 12 Step meeting without feeling better than when I entered the room. Meetings are a place of growth and reflection for us all.

15.) Movie Days – Get some movies  and don’t forget your Snuggie and head on over to the couch!

16.) Painting – Whether it’s your bedroom walls, a canvas or your nails, painting is a very cathartic action that gives the painter a calming feeling.

17.) Photography – Cannon, Nikon, Toy camera or disposable, capture the world through your new eyes in recovery.

18.) Reading  - Save some buckaroo’s and check out your local library!

19.) Volunteering – Find a local non-profit that interests you and volunteer with them

20.) Writing - Share your sassy, classy and poignant observations in print

Whether you’re a Victorian client, parent or still on the journey to find your own eating disorder recovery, you must know that knowledge is power in combating this disease. In honor of the fall weather that is rolling into Southern California we thought we would give you a list of some of our favorite eating disorder recovery books. These books are treasures and have been included in Victorian book clubs, meetings and some are the foundation of our recovery program. Many of the authors are highly accomplished and respected professionals in the eating disorder field. Please take a look at the list and head on over to your local Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com to pick one (or a few) up!

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food 

By: Psy.D Susan Albers

Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous: Fellowship & Stories 

By: Faith Farthing

Brave Girl Eating: A Family's Struggle with Anorexia

By: Harriet Brown

Breaking Free from Emotional Eating

By: Geneen Roth

Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling

By: Anita Johns PhD

Gaining – The Truth About Life After an Eating Disorder

By: Aimee Liu

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life

By: Jenni Shaefer

Life Doesn’t Begin 5 pounds from Now

By: Jessica Weiner

Life without ED

By: Jenni Shaefer

Starved – Mercy for Eating Disorders

By: Nancy Alcorn

The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous

 By: Overeaters Anonymous

The Eating Disorder Source Book

By: Carolyn Costin

Thin

By: Grace Bowman

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

By:  Marya Hornbacher 

 Why Weight? A Guide to Ending Compulsive Eating 

By: Geneen Roth

 It seems like we say it all the time, but Southern California truly is the best place to be for eating disorder recovery. Not only are the most renown eating disorder therapists and doctors based out of So Cal, but the dozens of treatment facilities and support groups far out number any other place in the world.

 Back in 1985, a few eating disorder professionals gathered and founded the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals (IAEDP.) Today IAEDP is well recognized for its excellence in providing first-quality education and high-level training standards to an international multidisciplinary group of various healthcare treatment providers and helping professions, who treat the full spectrum of eating disorder issue.

IAEDP has grown to develop regions in Los Angeles, San Diego, New York City and beyond. I have attended the Orange County region meetings and I can attest that the most noted professionals  and leaders in the eating disorder field gather in this group. Kindly, IAEDP would like to invite you to their Winter Fundraising Event. Whether you are a professional, a student, a parent or a survivor wanting to know more about preventing and treating eating disorders this would be a great event to attend and network with others.

SAVE THE DATE!

DECEMBER 3^RD 2011

IAEDP WINTER FUNDRAISING EVENT

“CASINO NIGHT”

 AT THE CHERYL BURKE DANCE STUDIO

LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA

RSVP to RaeEllen Ellis at (626) 696-­9019 or by email at ociaedp@gmail.com

Hope to see you there!

Happy Recovery,

Irvina 

The National Eating Disorder Association, based out of New York, New York exists to advocate for research, treatment and prevention of eating disorders. This Saturday, October 15, 2011 N.E.D.A. will be holding a charity benefit at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Los Angeles, featuring a screening of Ides of March, starring George Clooney and Ryan Gosling.

To purchase tickets, please visit the following link:

http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/Calendar/716403283?view=Detail&id=100481

Happy Recovery!

Irvina 

The women of The Victorian and Sober Living by The Sea got the opportunity to do a Street Art Workshop with Rewrite Beautiful this past Saturday. The goal of the workshop was to creatively change how the women see beauty in themselves.  The workshop was kicked off with Rewrite Beautiful, Creative Director and Founder (and former Victorian Support Staff) Irvina Kanarek (me!) who shared what Rewrite Beautiful’s mission is and why prevention is so important to her. (*From my experience working at The Victorian and seeing the gruesome toll eating disorders take on people I want to be apart of prevention.)

Then  Janna, a woman in eating disorder recovery shared her own story and what the Rewrite Beautiful mission means to her. The meeting was then transitioned into a creative workshop. Sunny, an Art Professor at the Art Institute of San Bernardino led the women through a creative experience called, Mind Mapping. 

Here the women learned how one thought can rapidly turn into another. The mind mapping was then transitioned to 3, 3 x 6 foot wooden panels where the women explored their thoughts and emotions around: Beauty, Recovery and Victory. I guess we could call this “Beauty Mapping”. 

Each time someone wrote out their opinions on Beauty, Recovery and Victory they ended with a foot print to symbolize the journey we are all on trying to attain these things. The next person who built on the previous persons though added another foot print to the existing foot print making one pair of heart shaped foot prints symbolizing the journey we all embark on together.

After the mapping the women read aloud what the others had written about the subjects. Their statements were powerful and a sense of struggle, pain, seeking and at times triumph was felt.

Then the panels were flipped around allowing the women to creatively draw, paint and spray paint any visions they received from the workshop.

The workshop ended with each women being given a Rewrite Beautiful bracelet with our vision printed on it: “Creative + Kind + Strong = Beautiful”. The hope is that these women remember that their participation in this workshop was beautiful actions on their part. They took the time to be creative, kind and strong in order to change their mindset on beauty and hopefully their opinions about themselves will rub off on their friends and family.

Thank you to all of the Rewrite Beautiful  volunteers for visiting The Victorian and Sober Living by the Sea! You rocked it! 

Currently, I sponsor 3 women in eating disorder recovery; they range from the ages of 23 to 65. The youngest, Brittany, called me on her birthday this year at 6 am (ON HER OWN BIRTHDAY) to thank me for being her sponsor. She went on to go into detail about how much my recovery means to her and how thankful she is for me in her life. I was overwhelmed and as I listened to her voicemail I was visually able to see the domino effect that had happened in both of our lives. Ya see I’m not naturally a ‘Great Person’ who mentors women out of their eating disorders. When left to my own devices I can be quite selfish. I had to be taught how to be a great person. I was taught by a very amazing woman named Cathy who is my own sponsor.

It gives me chills realizing that if Cathy didn’t have someone teach her how to get recovery, she never would have taught me and I never would have taught Brittany and Brittany currently sponsors other women. It blows me away thinking about how each and every one of us matter more than we can truly comprehend.

Cathy not only taught me the 12 Steps, she taught me that I had value as a human being. She invited me to go hiking with her friends, we got coffee and walked her dog and when I had to distant myself from my family on holidays she was there for me, ready to go for a walk and just ‘be’ with me. As kind and loving as Cathy was she also taught me that I wasn’t allowed to pull any BS with her. When I binged at four frozen yogurt stores in a row she laid into me loud and clear and said, “That isn’t acceptable. You don’t just head out and wreak havoc on yourself and others. You make a phone call and reach out for help.” I needed a Sponsor who wouldn’t let me push them around. Someone who would call out my weaknesses and encourage me to continually work on them. Cathy is not only a Sponsor to me, she is what I call a ‘Fairy God Mother’ someone who guides me through life with wisdom and love.

However, I never could have received Cathy’s wisdom and love had I not chosen to SURRENDER my eating disorder to God. To me the word, ‘surrender’ is a big and intimidating. It is defined as To yield something to the possession or power of another.

It took over a year of me going to meetings, losing my abstinence, falling on my face, picking myself up again, losing jobs, almost losing my car and trying to control the uncontrollable food and body image.... I finally surrendered my disease to God. I was driving down Pacific Coast Highway, with the sun setting behind me I was thinking about how painful the binge was that I experienced the night before, how long I had tried to control this thing, what a mess my life had become and how much I hated myself. I realized that my great ideas on how to stay skinny and abstinent really sucked. I realized that I was in so much pain that I really didn’t care anymore if being abstinent meant I got fat, was homeless and had no friends. I just wanted out of the evil eating disorder. That was June 8, 2008. 

That was three years ago and I can tell you that that was the most difficult, painful decision I have ever made in my life. I have probably cried more tears in the past three years than I have in my entire life, most likely because I wasn’t numbing my feelings with starvation or food. In the past three years I have worked on my relationships, boundaries and making amends to those I have hurt while in my eating disorder. It has been a humbling and painful process and I would confidently do it again because I have been given 10 times more from my recovery than I ever imagined. I have amazing friends that I truly love and adore, fun, creative jobs that use my talents and challenge me and I have a faith in God and myself that I never knew was possible.

One of the things that helped me to initially get recovery in those difficult first few months was a verse that I kept up on the mirror in my room. I read it every morning and repeated it to myself throughout the day: 

“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” – Philippians 4:8

This verse helped me to remember that my thoughts are choices and what I BELIEVE is a choice as well. I could easily believe that I am a doomed anorexic, bulimic, compulsive overeater and will die this way, or I could believe that the little voice within me (that I call God) was guiding me and showing me where to go and that voice would not harm me. I’m glad I believed that little voice because three years later I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my entire life and I have many kind hearted people and God to thank for that. Happy Recovery Birthday to me and I hope to one day say, “Happy Recovery Birthday to YOU!”

Happy Recovery!

Irvina  

It’s funny, when I think of boundaries I visually imagine Newport Beach, CA on the 4^th of July. The police install barricades as long as an entire street block that force people to walk around. Most of the time the barricades are seen as a nusance for beach goers and partiers who have to walk the stretch around the barricade in order to get to the other side, but as annoying as the barricades are, they keep us safe. Boundaries in friendships are the same way, though we may find them difficult to execute and adhere too they keep our friendships healthy and safe.

Some find the word “boundary” to be misleading. It arises the thoughts of distance and if you’re friends with someone why would you want to push them away right? On the contrary, boundaries aren’t made to push others away, they are made to take care of ourselves.  For those of us in eating disorder recovery, taking care of ourselves is a difficult task. We fear that people will reject us if we tell them how we truly feel, what we truly need or what we really think. Thankfully boundaries can help us to take care of ourselves in friendships. Starting with Sharing and Watching…

Sharing and Watching….

For those of us with addictions its easy to be impulsive; meet someone, call them our best friend and indulge them with all of our struggles and secrets that go with living. Of course we’re human and we’re females; we love to share; however, we need to make sure that the people we are sharing with are trustworthy. Just like in a romantic relationship, take your friendships SLOW. Share a little bit of information and then wait to see to how they handle it. Do they tell others? Do they listen intently and ask follow up questions? Do they relate? Do they not care? The answers to all of these questions will determine if you share more information with your new friend in the future. If you find that your friend does over share you might want to set up the following boundary, “ I share personal information with you because I trust you and respect your opinions. However, when I hear that you share this information with others it makes me want to share less. Can we change that?”

Time….

Opposites tend to attract in romantic relationships and friendships. It’s not uncommon for a loud and extroverted person to befriend an introverted and shy person. This can turn out to be an awesome friendships where each one teaches the other about new hobbies and interests. However, the energy level of each person varies quite dramatically. Telling someone that you can’t hang out because you’re too tired or just don’t feel like it is okay. Sure, they might be bummed but that’s for them to deal with, your job is to take care of yourself. If they guilt trip you for not being able to hang out then you might not have the healthiest friend. If you need to set up a time boundary you might want to say something like the following, “I’m stoked to hang out tonight, but just so you know, I can only hang out until 11. I need to get some rest.”

Drinking/ Eating ….

A lot of us in eating disorder recovery no longer drink alcohol and abstain from certain foods. It’s important that our friends support our decisions and don’t poke fun or single us out for not participating in certain activities. If they do, it’s our responsibility to put up a boundary and tell them, “You mean a lot to me, but so does my sobriety/abstinence. My choice not to drink is a choice I have made for my own health. Can you try to support my choice instead of singling me out?”

Distance…..

Some feel that if you’re friends you have to be in each others lives every waking moment – Not true. In fact distance is a healthy thing. It’s important that each person in a friendship be independent of the other with separate friends and hobbies. If you notice a friend feeling left out or annoyed at your independence, you might want to set up the following boundary, “I sense that you’re angry with me. Can we talk about it?” From this vantage point one can express their fears and hesitations.

The bottom line is you deserve to have healthy, loving friendships... we all do. It's your job to make sure that the people you let in your life are adding to your life, not taking away from it or causing you to stumble in your eating disorder recovery. There are tons of people out there to be friends with, look at friends the same way you look at romantic relationships...don't settle!

There is something about dating the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your fancy) that makes all the hard work of eating disorder recovery slip right out of our hands. Dating make us revert back to pre-eating disorder recovery where we had no voice, no opinion, no boundaries, we were simply at the whim of others preferences. Who would want to go back to that?  And what is this mysterious power that potential companions have over us?

My theory is LOVE. Potential companions, suitors and dates have the one thing every person with an eating disorder is starving, binging and purging over, it’s love. Love encapsulates the same idea that if “I just get to the right weight…I will feel lovable” or “If I just make you like me….I will feel lovable.” However, more often than not being the right weight or finding the right guy only makes us feel lovable for a short period of time and then we’re back to square one. In fact it’s the process of working so hard to be the “right weight” that gets us into rehab. As well, it’s the behaviors that go along with “doing anything to make someone love me” that keeps us alone.

So what is the solution to these problems? They are boundaries. Kind of like a meal plan that keeps us physically healthy, boundaries in dating keep us emotionally healthy. Being a woman in recovery from an eating disorder, I have made my mistakes in dating…a lot of mistakes. Here are some of my personal favorite dating boundaries:

Reservations – Women with eating disorders like to get into relationships very fast. We divulge personal information, backgrounds, traumas and it’s not healthy. One reason it’s unhealthy is you don’t know this person yet; so take the time to get to know them. Tell them a little bit of information and see what they do with that. How they react. If they prove to be trustworthy give them more. Stay in check with yourself too, it’s an unhealthy sign when someone just spills their guts in front of a stranger. Think of it like making reservations at a restaurant; you call ahead and ask someone to save your seat, but you don’t have to go. You could always call and say, “I changed my mind.” Check this person out and if they aren’t what you want don’t be scared to cancel your reservations. It happens all the time.

Car Door – You know how guys open your car door for you? It’s a chivalrous thing to make sure that you get in safe. Girls with eating disorders have a hard time protecting themselves and making sure they’re safe. If you’re gonna be getting physical with someone make sure that you

1.)    Ask them if they’ve been tested (Note: If you’re too uncomfortable to have this conversation with the person, sex might be pretty uncomfortable too.)

2.)    Make sure you’re physically protected.

Dinner – For many of us food has held the our worth in its hands. If we don’t eat we’re lovable, if we do we’re not. This thought process easily transfers over to men. We think that if he says the right thing we’re lovable, if he doesn’t we’re not. This is dangerous territory for both people. The best boundary a girl with an eating disorder can put up in this scenario is an Emotional Boundary. A girl with an eating disorder needs to come to a place where she realizes that her worth is counted in much more than scales, calories, cute texts and dates. Her worth is in the fact that she was put on this earth for a beautiful purpose, that there is a God/ Higher Power that loves her beyond she could ever imagine and the love of that power is the only love that truly matters.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina 

Recently a friend of mine in recovery told me that she was sharing with a group of friends about the boundaries she had to make with her mother. The word “boundaries” was foreign to her friends and many asked, “What are boundaries?” My friend went on to explain, but her friends couldn’t wrap their minds around the concept saying, “Boundaries sound mean.”

This scenario got me thinking about when I first entered therapy. Psychology jargon like boundaries, co-dependency and narcissism were shocking to learn about. I had no idea that it was healthy to tell someone, “No” and not feel bad about it. For many of us in eating disorder recovery boundaries are terrifying to set up and equally to abide by. We think a boundary is someone else being mean or we are.  This thinking is simply a result of the information that has been filtered through our addict mind.

Boundaries are actually a really good thing. They allow us to protect ourselves emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. Over the next 4 weeks The Victorian Healing Blog is going to be discussing boundaries in

• Friendships
• Family
• Work
• Dating

We hope you join the conversation and learn something new to add to your eating disorder recovery.

We would like to kick off our series by first addressing what boundaries are and why they are an issue amongst those with eating disorders.

Boundaries are like drawing a line in the sand between oneself and others. A boundary many of us are familiar with is showing up to work on time. Many employers have the boundary that you must show up to work on time or there are consequences. The 1st time you are late you get a warning, the 2nd time you are written up and the 3^rd time you are terminated. This boundary is put in place between employer and employee so that the working environment is a healthy productive one. If this boundary wasn’t in place, employees might show up whenever they wanted, which would make for chaos and stress which might lead to the deterioration of the company.

The first element of a boundary starts with a human being having a healthy level of respect for their self. If you value something, you protect it right? Which is why we lock our cars and front doors. We value what we have and don’t want people taking what is ours. The same goes for our time, energy and emotions. We put boundaries in place so others don’t harm what is ours.

The problem for those in eating disorder recovery is that many have low self esteem and a lack of confidence in themselves which leads to not valuing oneself and then leads to poor boundaries which perpetuate the eating disorder behaviors.

Try and think of areas you may need to increase your boundaries. Journal about it and bring your questions here to The Victorian Healing Blog, we would be happy to talk about them with you. See you in a few days we discuss boundaries in friendships.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

I was introduced to Overeaters Anonymous by a therapist who believed that some of my behaviors might be conducive to looking into attending an OA meeting. In her words, “Ya know, just check it out. You might learn something. What’s an hour?” Amused by this ludicrous suggestion, I looked up the website www.oa.org and found a list of questions asking “Do you have issues with food?” Answering all but one of the questions with the answer with “yes” I figured stopping by a meeting for kicks would give me some great writing material.

Coincidentally I found a meeting only a few blocks from my house. It was held in a small church meeting room down the street. I was surprised by what a humble building it was and the fact that I had never noticed it before (funny what you miss while on a psychotic binge, racing to the grocery store.)  Being prejudice I expected to walk into a room full of middle aged, divorced, overweight, depressed women. You can only imagine the look of shock on my face when I discovered healthy, trendy, hip, cultured, girls, my age (if not younger than me) joking amongst themselves as if they had been best friends since the days of sipping Mott's Juice boxes. Their confidence and bouncing jauntiness pissed me off and triggered involuntary eye rolls. It seemed like I had entered the set of a Woody Allen movie just blocks from my house. Here I am this neurotic, depressed girl with an eating disorder who thinks she is the ONLY person in the world with this disease who is suddenly transported to a “password only” club house full of girls just like her. Except these girls hold the magic potion that will heal her of this disease. She scans each and every girl looking for a hint of the coveted pill box protruding from the pocket of one of the girl’s jeans.  

Then just as soon as she thinks she might have a lead on finding this magic pill box the sweet hussy of girls form a circle and start talking. Talking about the same ex-boy friend they all had, the one named, E.D. (This is when my pulse started to race and sweat started to drench the back of my tank top) they started talking about feelings! Good god! Yes, feelings! Sick right? They gave details in broad day light. Some said,

“I thought if I was just thin enough I would get the husband, suburban and job I always wanted.”

 While other girl bluntly said,

“I’m sorry, but there is just something in me that wants to be better than all of you in every way.”

 With each and every confession and revealing secret the girls in the room, nodded and laughed as if they were reminiscing on their childhood friendship by the sea. I found their serenity around these conversations to be increasingly uncomfortable.  I sat their squirming in my metal fold up chair, trying to shelter my ears from the grotesque authenticity that made my stomach turn. I think I would have been less uncomfortable if the girls trashed the feeling and emotions talk and instead took turns taking off all of their clothes and parading around the room talking about why they love their vaginas. Up until that morning in that shabby little church, I thought I was the ONLY person in the world who thought the things I thought, who did the things I did with food, who lied, cheated, stole and tried to cover it up with being perfect. I thought I was the only person who was angry, financially f’d up and yet still trying to so hard to act “fine.” To learn that my life, was not unique and that there actually was a solution to this madness sounded almost too good to be true. At that moment, had someone pulled my arm and pointed out a place in the sky where the clouds parted and you could see God and Santa Claus drinking latte’s and playing X-Box I probably would have believed them in that moment. Because what was in front of me was something I thought was completely impossible. As the meeting continued I thought I was either a.) in some bizarre dream or b.) my system of picking out bottles of wine from Trader Joe’s based on the art on the label was not serving my brain cells very well.

Today, almost 4 years later and having attended countless recovery meetings I am coming up on 3 years of eating disorder abstinence. I too have joined the ranks of a happy girl from a Cover Girl ad who laughs and jokes with her friends while meeting in another random recovery meeting place out in yonder. I now welcome the girls who come in sobbing with the same perplexed and angry look on their faces that I used to have. Part of me is relieved to have them there finally getting recovery and the other part of me is rather angry.  Angry that for some of them the at the age of 22, 30, 40 and yes even 50 years old women come in and say, “I had no idea this place existed.” In hindsight I wish I would have known about OA sooner. I wonder sometimes, is our anonymity getting in the way of people’s recovery?

Considering that question I looked up anonymity and why it is apart of our 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Tradition 12 states:

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principals before personalities.

I read the stance that the 12 Steps hold on anonymity. I found that in the past some people have used their recovery for their own personal gain. Others bring the organization under public controversy. The belief is that if the strength of the organization relies on its anonymity, that if they build the program on “attraction rather than promotion” the program will stay honest and true to it’s number one purpose, helping others recover from their addictions.

 However, our own preference to stay anonymous OA Members and eating disorder survivors is up to us. My personal stance is an uncomfortable one; I choose not to be anonymous. Though I was stunned, shocked and mortified by the stories of the women at the first OA Meeting I attended, I was also very relieved. Relived there was a place to go and get help and a group of woman who would support me. Recovery has given me so much more than I ever imagined when I first looked it up online. It’s my own personal mission to give others recovery too which for me means being authentic about my eating disorder on a very public level... When the subject of people with addictions, body image or diet come up amongst my friends and co-workers I make sure to educate them on what this disease is, what it looks like and yes, the healthy woman in front of them (myself) one day did suffer from this.

In the past I have worked at The Victorian as a support staff. Though, our website is quite serene and pleasant I will tell you that the clients of The Victorian are not. They are depressed, angry and lost women looking for a way out of their eating disorder. Besides my own eating disorder, there is nothing as painful as watching someone painfully go through their own. The clients of The Victorian are the reason I choose not to be an anonymous eating disorder survivor. I believe if I am brave, if I am strong and if I am honest about my eating disorder it will give someone else the opportunity to be brave, strong and honest about their own and maybe get help or (here’s a shocker) help someone else.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Colorful vegetable sautéed in butter, parsley and sea salt inspire me. Not only are they a source of Vitamin A and fiber, they are one of those inanimate objects that exist without objection. As long as there are farmers, harvesters and hungry families these colorful vegetable medleys will continue to appear on our dinner tables. But, what if one sunrise the carrots crept up from the dirt, grew some lips and vocal chords and said, “I don’t want to be apart of this vegetable medley any longer” and rolled right off the plate. It would throw off the color scheme a bit, wouldn’t it? I imagine too that there would be quite a bit of emotion from the peas, the cauliflower, the parsley, the salt and the butter. They might feel betrayed and raise questions, “Was I sitting too close?” “Was I too salty?”  

This visual might seem reaching to you or for you cartoon aficionados, it may seem like a dramatic season finale of Veggie Tales. For me, this scene is quite familiar. Not that vegetables play out theatrics in my head (not on Wednesdays anyways), but I have experienced the profound guilt and confusion that goes with putting some distance between oneself and their family during eating disorder recovery.

On the scoreboard of appearances my family is definitely a high profile competitor. My dad is a fascinating, brainiac, hysterical, witty and accomplished. My mom is the charitable Mother Teresa of the OC and in her off time, she acts as the best host on the coast. My 4 sisters range from classy suburban house wives from the wine country to a cultured, Grad School attending, San Francisco hipster. Our differences make for some pretty loud and memorable gatherings; full of opinions, humor and affection. On the flip side, these creatures I love dearly are human beings, meaning that just like me, they are imperfect, still learning and growing.

I have learned a ton in recovery and a great deal of that learning has been discovering myself. What my likes and dislikes are, my personality and preferences. Early in my recovery I slowly and hesitantly discovered that I am more different from my family than I originally thought. I found that the activities they enjoyed and the topics that they chose to discuss were not of interest to me and likewise. I found that in some relationships I didn’t feel there was a great deal of respect for me as an individual. I felt put down, small and uncomfortable in their presence. As I instigated distance from them I was confronted with quite a bit of questions and guilt. It was an incredibly uncomfortable process, but I survived. I survived to realize that though I was born into a family, I am an individual separate from them, free to choose where I spend my time and my energy. For me it was liberating to venture off on my own and meet people I could connect with, who did respect my boundaries and understood me. I found myself welcomed into other families and chose to spend some holidays away from my family. Years later I have a nucleus of people that love me, protect me and nurture me. People who know me and have my back come rain or shine. In essence, I have “another” family. Each year that I gather more recovery I am able to spend more time with my original family, not as much time as I did before recovery, but definitely more. I am still learning.

I find it quite fascinating that as human beings we never stop growing. For someone like myself who struggles with an eating disorder, my focus is geared towards accomplishing, conquering and winning. To know that as a human my growth will never be completed until the day of my death is quite humbling. It reminds me that there is no race, no contest, that we are all simply students trying to do our best with what we know so far. There are some things we must learn, such as talking, reading, writing, friendships and relationships. I think relationships are the trickiest thing to learn. Relationships are a balancing act, you have to give a little and take a little and strike a good balance or you’ll fall. It’s kind of like cooking for yourself. For instance I think  Martha Stewart’s recipes are too complicated and Rachel Ray may be cute and funny but her recipes are unhealthy. I have opted for looking online for good recipes I like. What I learned from my family is that there isn’t just one way to do something. There are many routes to creating a family and I have created and accepted my own as fitting for me. But, I know what I want. The question of the hour is what do YOU want for dinner?

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Whether it’s a sitcom, music or food, people love to love things and share them with others. It’s how we connect. If you need proof you can visit www.yelp.com for some very loving, opinionated, picky eaters. Some of our loves have become so deep that we have claimed February as the month of commemorating them. The first Saturday of the month the love of football and beer is honored with The Super Bowl. The love of each other and watching children transform shoeboxes into ‘mailboxes’ is celebrated on Valentine’s Day. Then there is the love of recovery, Eating Disorder Awareness Week. February 20^th – 26^th to be exact.

Maybe like me you're wondering, can you really call eating disorder recovery and awareness something people "love"? Love is a strong word. I didn't understand the passion behind awareness until I discovered the passion others have for promoting eating disorders. And people are passionate…

Exhibit A: Magazines

Exhibit B: Diet Pills

Exhibit C: Sexy Halloween Costumes

So now that you’re depressed and ready to move to a remote island in the Bahamas, I’d like to ask you to do one thing. Don’t. Don’t run away from this problem. Use the muscle you could use to pack and instead prevent the problem by bringing awareness to this issue. The whole idea of awareness is that we may be an awesome country of wealth and higher education, but the majority is pretty dumb on what eating disorders are, the sociological impact, what they look like, how to prevent them and how to stop them. The people who created those ads are just trying to make a living. It isn’t their fault that they aren’t educated. It’s actually our fault. If you have experienced an eating disorder, have a child with one or are simply someone that genuinely cares about how we value people on this earth than it’s your job to use the knowledge you have and share it with those who don’t.

But where do we start? I say, start by just TALKING.

• Share – Have you ever been in a conversation where a bunch of girls are talking about dieting or how unattractive they are? If you can hear within a 2 foot radius you most likely have. Here’s a thought, why don’t you share a little bit about your experience with an eating disorder? You don’t have to blow your whole dramatic story, but you could simply just say, “I personally don’t diet. I struggled many years with an eating disorder. I learned that diets don’t work or make me happy. I have spent so much of my life hating myself, I want to spend the rest of my life loving myself and making up for the time I lost” Then pause. Take a deep breath and be quiet. Most likely you’ll inspire others to question their own diets and motives. This has always turned into some great conversations for me.
• Drop- Maybe talking just isn’t your thing. How about dropping off fliers and information about eating disorder support groups in your local high school, college and doctors office. It’s amazing how many people go untreated because they are unaware of the services provided to them. Get some brochures here and go drop some recovery on your city.  

Once you mastered TALKING you can move into INVITING…

· Meetings – As a woman I hear a lot of gossip. Kind of goes with the lower organs I guess. I hear about young teens that are purging, co-workers who are binging and so on and so forth. A difficult, but powerful thing I have learned to do is to first of all stop the gossip by asking the women around me, “How can we help her?” They usually don’t know. I then suggest, “Maybe I could invite her to an eating disorder recovery meeting. What do you girls thing?" I admit it is difficult to approach someone about their eating disorder, but I wouldn’t have recovery if someone didn’t take the initiative to awkwardly suggest I go to a meeting myself.  Overeaters Anonymous has meetings all over the world. If you would like to take someone to one of these meetings I highly suggest them.

· Mentoring – Those of us that have recovery never would have been given it unless someone else took the time to teach us the tools of the trade. How to get abstinent from our eating disorder and how to stay abstinent. If you have recovery, consider mentoring girls younger than you. Talk to them about them about values, confidence and what being a woman is all about. Your experience is a lot more valuable than you probably give yourself credit for.

After you have the INVITING down you might have a ton of people who are amped on recovery and want to GATHER together for the same cause. Awesome! I would suggest that you all do one of the following:  

·Walk – The National Eating Disorder Association promotes fundraising walks to give people the opportunity to raise awareness and money for eating disorder prevention and research. If you would like to spread more awareness and recovery within your local community a walk is an awesome way to go! Find more details on planning a walk here.

·Video – For you creative aficionados out there. The National Eating Disorder Association is looking for a new Public Service Announcement created by cool, recovering peeps like you. What you do is create a PSA Video and submit it into a contest. If you win your PSA Video gets broadcast by NEDA across YouTube and you get a free trip to New York and are able to attend the NEDA fundraiser. Get your inner Spielberg out and start creating. Details here. But, please no E.T. looking, anorexic girls….so played out.

Whether you speak up about your own eating disorder or hit the streets with your video camera, I hope you do one thing within the next couple of weeks. Acknowledge your recovery. Think about where you have started and where you are now. Whether or not you have 20 years of recovery or 20 minutes, be AWARE that your life, your existence is not an accident. Thank you for choosing to use your existence for the cause of living, helping others and leaving this world a better place than it was before you got here.

Happy Recovery,

Irvina

Amanda Palmer

As much as I love writing on these subjects there is a heaviness that goes with eating disorder recovery. Even though I may have recovery under my belt I daily read stories and medical studies about those that do not. My mind is filled with the anguish of parents at a loss of what to do with this disease that is killing their child, I hear about people I once knew dying of this disease and of others refusing treatment. I hear about studies coming out about children developing eating disorders as young as the age of 8 and of rehabs and doctors overwhelmed with the amount of clients and trauma they are dealing with. Maybe this is why it’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Maybe I secretly fear what new eating disorder death sits in the Health section of The New York Times.

However, there are some days like today that I am given a morsel of HOPE and it’s always great when that hope is delivered with a melody. That hope came from a Los Angeles Times article featuring Amanda Palmer, who asked to split with Roadrunner Records in April. Palmer claimed the label sought to cut or alter shots of her stomach in the music video for the “Who Killed Amanda Palmer” song “Leeds United,” Palmer asked to be dropped in late 2008. As fans bared their own bodies in an online protest dubbed “The ReBellyon,” the singer took to performing a song pointedly titled “Please Drop Me” in concert. Palmer has gone on to join Band Camp an online music publishing platform that allows artists to have more control of their sales and merchandising.

This story blew away my “Debbie Downer Syndrome” and made me smirk at the audacity this young Rock & Roller has to ask to be dropped from her record label. In a day and age where celebrity eating disorders are as acceptable as celebrity divorces I was pretty shocked to see Palmer give “the bird’ to her record label. Here’s a chick who is edgy, popular and punk rock and won’t let the powers of “approval” alter who she truly is. This story gives me a good 500 mg of hope because this is a woman who very easily could have been motivated by fear and just gone along with edits on her body. Instead she stayed steady with what she knew was true, right and just and choose to stay stick with it and not sell out. It was a risky choice, but she definitely made a fan out of me.

Palmer gives me hope for 2011. Hope that if one girl can stand up and say, “I refuse to agree with you. My body IS good enough exactly as it is thank you very much.” I wonder what the rest of us could say?

Happy New Year!

Irvina  

Image by: Sam Niguel

The beginning of the year is a popular time for Eating Disorder Rehabs to get an overwhelming amount of new clients. Whether it’s the client or the family that has decided this year is going to be different, the goal is the same: RECOVERY. A new year is a shiny new toy that makes us all excited. It’s like a newborn baby, it gives us hope for the future and the possibility of change.

 I looked up the Top 10 most common New Years Resolutions. They are:

1.)    Spend more time with family and friends

2.)    Fit in fitness

3.)    Lose weight

4.)    Quite smoking

5.)    Enjoy life more

6.)    Quit drinking

7.)    Get out of debt

8.)    Learn something new

9.)    Help others

10.) Get organized

But for someone with an Eating Disorder goals and lists are part of the everyday regime. Those of us with Eating Disorders tend to be incredibly driven, intelligent and accomplished individuals. If we make a list of something to do, we’ll probably do it faster and more successfully than most. So what’s the New Years Resolution for those of us in Eating Disorder Recovery? It’s: GIVE UP.

The hardest thing for someone with an Eating Disorder is giving up; which might be why Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other psychological disorder. Giving up an Eating Disorder takes more bravery, humility and courage than anyone can imagine. The tricky thing about an Eating Disorder is the vice of fear that it keeps ones brain while it operates. Taking that vice off takes a ton of strength. Believing you’ll be okay without it takes an avalanche of blind faith.

As a woman in recovery myself I won’t lie, giving up is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I spent so many years convincing myself that being thin was the answer to all of life’s problems. Admitting to myself that I was wrong and just the thought of attempting another route erupted tears and fear that raced through my blood. But, here’s the thing, giving up not only saved my life, it GAVE me a life. I had no idea how amazing life could actually be until I gave up my Eating Disorder. My prayer for you is that you would GIVE UP this New Year. I promise that if you make that your only goal for the year, 365 days from now you’ll be smiling like me and not dying.