eating disordered

In my short 26 years of life I have found that the average Joe Shmo on the street thinks that “Eating Disordered thoughts” go a little something like this…

Eating Disorder Thoughts...

Girl looks in the mirror at her skeletal appearance; she thinks, “OMG, I’m so FAT”

Girl is offered a cookie, she thinks: “I can’t eat that…. I’ll gain 10 pounds.”

Girl looks at carrot sticks and dip: “If I eat 200 calories now I’ll have to run 200 laps on the track at school.”

And on it goes…what many people don’t know is that Eating Disordered thoughts go much, much deeper into a persons psyche than just body image. It attacks a persons character, intelligence, substance, worth, expectations and simple existence.

A day of Eating Disordered thoughts goes something like this…

- Girl doesn’t hear her alarm and is woken up by mother for school, mother says, “We’re running late. Please dress quickly.” Girl thinks, “I can’t believe I overslept! I am so lazy!”

- Girl raises her arm in class. Teacher calls on her for the answer, she gives half of the right answer. The teacher says, “Not quite, but good try.” The girl thinks, “I’m so stupid. Why do I raise my hand at all, ever?”

- Girl sees cute guy smile at her in the hallway, she thinks: “He was smiling at me because he feels sorry for me. No one would like me. I’m stupid, clumsy and fat.”

- Friends invite girl over to hangout at house after school, girl goes while there she thinks, “I am boring them. They are so disappointed that they asked me to come over. I should leave.” And on and on it goes.

At The Victorian we encourages our clients to “watch your thoughts”. They are encouraged to speak up and freely say, “I feel fat today.” Or “I fell like such an idiot.” From there we backtrack. Meaning we go back in time and see what it is that brought on that thought. A good 99% of the time it is usually fear of their unknown future, a conflict amongst clients, a conversation with mom or their interpretation of a strangers glance at them. What we find is that it is usually a fear outside of their body that bring on the scrutinization of their body. The client feels unable to control or manipulate the situation so the disease takes that fear and puts the focus on the body. Since “of course” the body is easier to change than someone else’s perceptions of you. In turn this makes “Watching your Eating Disorder thoughts” a very big job (and slightly exhausting if you ask me.) But, all together vital for recovery. It’s when a client is able to see that “I’m fat” really means, “I’m scared that you don’t like me” they are able to see themselves clearly for where they are.

Myself and one of our Support Staff members, Katelyn holds the “5 Policy” with our clients. If we hear our clients putting themselves down by saying, “I’m fat” or “I’m so stupid!” we have them name 5 things they love about themselves. It can be anything from their hair, their laugh or their personality, but they must immediately shut down the negative with 5 positive. *It’s pretty cute when we make our staff do it too! Everyone is held up to the “5 Policy”. The idea is to constantly remind clients that Eating Disordered Thoughts = Bad Thoughts and they are not allowed here at The Victorian or in their thoughts. I personally have my sponsees call me everyday before 1pm with 3 things they are grateful for and 3 things they love about their body. That way they start their day a step ahead of their disease. Some of the women have a hard time coming up with the 3 things they love about their body so if they don’t finish I just call them back later and give them their 3. The more we all recognize ED thoughts and call them out, we will get stronger and it will get smaller.

Have a great weekend!
xoxo,
Irvina

They explained that the recovery process is pretty dramatic in and of itself and adding a guy to the mix only adds to the already messy knot of emotions, food, uncomfortable situations and insecurities. But like any arrogant addict I blew off the words of the wise and went off dating as I pleased. My argument was that my case was definitely the exception to the rule. I had established boundaries with friends and family and I knew what I wanted from a relationship.

Like many others who date during their first year of recovery, my experience was not a good one. I discovered that even though I had good boundaries with the people I was close to, those boundaries became muddled when I was trying hard to get the approval of someone new. I also found that dating brought out my ED voice and made me hypersensitive and insecure on dates, which resulted in messy food at home. I kept doing and saying things that I wasn’t proud of and that my true self didn’t agree with. After talking out these relationships with sponsors and therapist, I agreed…I’m just not ready for relationships right now.

If I could give you a metaphor I would say dating in recovery is kind of like baking cupcakes. We all love cupcakes. They are cute, fun to look at and delicious to eat. But, if you take them out of the oven before their down cooking (and cooling) you know what will happen…a big goopy, disgusting mess that tastes like raw eggs and makes a mess all over your cute dress. Yup, that’s what dating in recovery is like. You put all this time, effort and energy into your recovery. You eat your 3 meals and 3 snacks, you go to meetings, you go to therapy, you do yoga and then you take a huge jump and go date the dude down the street and you’ve got a whole mess of tears, emotions, weird food and drama. Not so much fun (or cute.)

Whether or not we’ve had 5 minutes of recovery or 5 years of recovery we all have that voice inside us that tells us right from wrong. It’s our true self trying to get out. It’s our job to relentlessly pursue that voice until in manifests into our entire being. That’s what recovery is all about becoming who we truly want to be. Then eventually sharing that person with someone extra special and deserving of us.

Love you beautiful ladies,

Irvina

Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
-George Santayana